I just read a post by cloudseeker where she asked if it was normal to not want sex after discovery. Zorweb responded that some people feel that way and others go though the stage of "like honeymooon sex". <P>I would like to know from everyone:<BR>a) Was it EA or PA?<BR>b) Sex - abstinence or honeymoon sex (or in between)?<BR>c) Did spouse come back?<P>My H and I are the the "honeymoon sex" category even though he moved out 3 weeks ago. Actually, it's better than our honeymoon or any other time in our relationship. I tried to tell him my desires and interest in sex at this point are not a ploy to get him to come back home and he informed me that he doesn't need to be in love to have sex. Doesn't want to lead me on because he still isn't sure what he wants to do.<P>I know sex does not mean love. But I feel that the passion that we are experiencing now stems from our love for each other. I also think that this is about the only time I can meet his EN. And if he leaves here happy won't it be hard for him to leave permanently. (OK, maybe subconciously I AM plotting to keep him here with sex, LOL)<P>heck

Well, this probably isn't going to help you at all, but my experience is about as opposite as you can get. No affection, no sex, no nothing at all since I found out about the A. And for a year before that, I felt that my hugs and kisses and ovations toward sex were not wanted.<P>I think you will find everything and no real answers. I think everyone is different. For me, I needed to know love to "do it" but my WS was able to "fake it" after a fashion, but she couldn't really. I could feel something was really wrong. I think I've figured out that sex really doesn't tell you much. If you have a good relationship, it strengthens it. If you have a bad one, it may strengthen it for one person, but just be "release" for the other person.<P>I wish I could tell you, "Hey, this means you are on the right track, but it ain't necessarily so. <P>Good luck to you, but I would believe him if he says it's just physical. He may be telling you the truth.<P>Sorry for the downer post but it's what I think.<P>Ishmael

Well, this probably isn't going to help you at all, but my experience is about as opposite as you can get. No affection, no sex, no nothing at all since I found out about the A. And for a year before that, I felt that my hugs and kisses and ovations toward sex were not wanted.<P>I think you will find everything and no real answers. I think everyone is different. For me, I needed to know love to "do it" but my WS was able to "fake it" after a fashion, but she couldn't really. I could feel something was really wrong. I think I've figured out that sex really doesn't tell you much. If you have a good relationship, it strengthens it. If you have a bad one, it may strengthen it for one person, but just be "release" for the other person.<P>I wish I could tell you, "Hey, this means you are on the right track, but it ain't necessarily so. <P>Good luck to you, but I would believe him if he says it's just physical. He may be telling you the truth.<P>Sorry for the downer post but it's what I think.<P>Ishmael

I'll give you a little more detail here...

a) Was it EA or PA?

from April 1999 - March 2001 My H has affairs with at least 10 women he met on the internet. Were engaged in April 1999 and married 6/6/2000. D day was March 22, 2001.

PA (In person) - 1 in 6/2000 the week after we got married

PA (phone sex and cyber sex) - 9 over the time period.

He also met about 5 of these women for dinner/lunch. Both he and they claim there was no sex during those dates.

He seems to have had no real emotional attachment to any of the women. Just friends.

b) Sex - abstinence or honeymoon sex (or in between)?

Honeymoon sex... Of course we've always had honeymoon sex. But after D day I needed the physical contact and reasurance. I guess he did too.

c) Did spouse come back?

He never left.

When I found out he was already breaking contact with all of the women. He was the one who brought up no contact immediately. I contacted each of them by phone and in chatt and asked them to get out of our lives. He later sent no-contact letters to all of them.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Sex was always good w/ me and W. After d-day, my desire not only didn't diminish, it exploded. I can't explain it really. I admit that for the first few weeks, it was hard to see her naked or complete the sex act, but all in all, sex is still great. I think it was my wild, unstable emotions that just made my labido go nuts. Go figure.<P>Good luck<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

My WH had an EA that turned into a PA just the once (so far). We have always had a fabulous sex life, so I know that wasn't the reason for his affair. d-day was April 13th - he moved out the next day, first into a hotel, then into an apartment. He's still in the apartment and is still 'confused' over what he wants to do - come back to me, go off with her, live on his own. The OW is very confused too. <P>I thought I might have problems with having sex with him - I got the chance to try it out a couple of weeks ago, when he was feeling lonely and made a pass at me - it was just 'sex' as a bit of fun, but it reassured me that the physical part of his affair hadn't really bothered me too much. The emotional attatchment he has with OW is far more worrying for me. <P>Having said that - it went PA only once - I may have problems if it goes back to being a full blown PA...only time will tell.<P>Paint.

My H had an EA/PA and immediately following DDay we had explosive sex. <BR>One year later - our sex life has never been better.<BR>Go figure.

Could I just chime in here and say: OK, I was wrong. Everyone else is having great sex. I haven't in over a year. God am I depressed now <p>[This message has been edited by Ishmael (edited June 26, 2001).]

Ok Ishmael, I'll chime in with you. My wife and I have had sex once in the 12 weeks since finding out about the A. I'm estimating three times in the eight months before I found out about the affair. I enjoyed sex with my wife previously even though it seemed like she was turning me down a lot. I really strived to be a good lover and felt a lot of satisfaction in thinking I was pleasuring her. I just figured I wanted it more because I was a man. Now she tells me that in 17 years of marriage she did not enjoy sex with me (funny, I can remember her screaming out occasionally, "Don't stop, more") However, she tells me that sex with the OM was incredible. She said she doesn't think I want to hear what she did with OM. She wants sex at least 5 times a week but not with me. She wants to make love in the morning and at night. Kind of hard for me to initiate sex after revolations like that. I don't expect her to initiate sex anytime either. Still plugging away with Plan A........<BR>SG

SprayerGuy,<P>Thanks... sort of. I do appreciate knowing I'm not the only one stuck in this spouse imposed celibacy. My wife's never told me what sex was like with the OM, but I'm sure it was the best she's ever had.<P>The thing is, and I don't want to sound like some kind of stereotype here, but if there had been affection and/or sex with my W and I, I could easily still be in Plan A. I'm not saying that "she wouldn't put out so I threw her out." But the truth was she wasn't meeting *any* of my emotional needs at all. None. And after 10 months, I was exhausted emotionally. I guess I think that if there had been any intimacy, I would have a lot more hope than I do.<P>Thanks again and good luck with your plan A<P>Ish

SprayerGuy,<P>Thanks... sort of. I do appreciate knowing I'm not the only one stuck in this spouse imposed celibacy. My wife's never told me what sex was like with the OM, but I'm sure it was the best she's ever had.<P>The thing is, and I don't want to sound like some kind of stereotype here, but if there had been affection and/or sex with my W and I, I could easily still be in Plan A. I'm not saying that "she wouldn't put out so I threw her out." But the truth was she wasn't meeting *any* of my emotional needs at all. None. And after 10 months, I was exhausted emotionally. I guess I think that if there had been any intimacy, I would have a lot more hope than I do.<P>Thanks again and good luck with your plan A<P>Ish

Ishmael,<BR>Sorry I couldn't be more encouraging. We're both kind of up the same creek. My WS has not shown any intimacy since my discovery and really not for sometime before. I hope that something changes in less than 10 months. I talk with Steve Harley again tomorrow and maybe he'll have some thoughts about how I'm progressing and my W reaction. All I can add is that if you love her, like when you got married, or even more so (that's my position), keep up the faith and God will help you work out your path. I'm depending on Him now but I'm sure he has time for you.<BR>SG

Thanks Sprayer,<P>You are right, we seem to be in the same boat. It gets pretty discouraging. If you have the time, I'd appreciate any insights you might get from Steve. If you are open to it you can write me at naib@mac.com.<P>And you're also right, I'm depending on God too, because there's no way I can fix this mess by myself.<P>Thanks for your thoughts.<P>Ish

Ishmael,<P>Sorry, I can't be much help right now I'm afraid. I found out that my W lied about where and how she and the kids spent their time today. I'm not feeling well right now. You know, it would not have been a big thing to tell me what they were doing so to lie about it just doesn't make sense. Steve is covering a lot of what is discussed on this website. We talked about love being conditional today rather than unconditional. Seemed to make a lot of sense. He told me to hold back the emotion right now and focus on doing what will convince my W that I am worth being married to. Then to come home and find out she lied to me......I really need one of those knock down, drag down yelling sessions so I can get all of this pent up anger and sorrow and hurt out of me. I haven't had one of those yet since d-day. Unfortunately, I guess only more pain will come from that. Best to you.<BR>SG<BR>

This is strange, do y'all realize that all the people having GREAT sex were female, except one and the one's that aren't are male. Interesting. So I will screw up the statistics by admitting I would love to have sex with my WH but he doesn't want to (sleeping in guest room). He claims to have only had an EA and he only finally admitted it a month ago. And that it is over. So its still a little early. Wish me luck<P>Roudy3

Hmmm.... interesting post....think there may be a common denominator? My hypothesis is this...if sex was the main reason marriage went bad before the A, and the WS finds someone sexually capatible...it's going to be a longer road back. My SO and I had a reasonably good-great sex life, BUT and this is a biggie, we weren't meeting too many other EN's. Specifically he wasn't feeling affection, anticipation from me..I wasn't going out of my way to look nice for him, I was mostly just tolerating him. His A started out as an EA, and she was really meeting the admiration and affection needs, and as he says, " it went to a PA because that was the next step..where else do you go in a basic male/female relationship?"<BR>As he looks back in retrospect, it was never that the sex was better..as he says "you can only do so many different things..sex is sex", it was that she really met the needs that I had neglected over the years. <P>Sexual compatibility will always be a big mystery....and I think A's based on an incompatible sex life with your partner may be the hardest to let go.<BR>T<P>

previous relationship: H refused to touch me for 3 years. I tried everything. To this day, I don't know what was wrong..sad.<P>current relationship: fiance had EA...sex remained stable...sometimes in the early days of A he seems a little tuned out. I sensed this but continued to Plan A through it.<P>In the case of "heck", it's obvious that there is chemistry between the two of you. HOWEVER, I'm hoping someone else can offer advice on the following: when is meeting sexual need part of Plan A, and when is it allowing oneself to be used?<P>XO<BR>Robyn