Well, where can I start...<P>Eight weeks ago my wife of twenty-six years and I separated after an issue with a neigbor's wife stopping over to talk with me. She finally approached me after I had gone to her in December about a possible affair between her husband & my wife. At that time she would not even hear of such a thing of her husband of 27 years!<P>During her brief visit, she showed me phone records of conversations but, she really believed there was no physical affair because of lack of time, etc.. I too also believed their was no physical contact. After her visit. I confronted my wife and she denied everything except "two friends talking." The discussion unfortunately got loud and intense. <P>Our first contact was after the incident where we met & talked. At that time she wanted to reconcile. As you can already imagine, I'm not a saint, I had alot of baggage over the years - alcoholism being the WORST of evils - combine alcohol and anger & we have yet another terrible mix. My sobriety now marks thirty-eight weeks with the help of my friends at AA. I am also in an anger management group.<P>Anyway, my wife and I have talked almost on a daily basis since our first meeting. I managed to get on her roller coaster. I obviously explained everything about the changing person which continues to evolve. In other words, there were several conversations where I definately thought we could "work it out," and no sooner than the next day would that be ripped out from under me to be left with "things were so bad, I won't go back." I always tried to stay away from conversations regarding the OM as she insisted her decision(s) did not revolve around him or an affair. It was continuously denied.<P>I had the opportunity to stay over night with our 4 children at home on Saturday night pretty much because she was hours late arriving home. <P>Well I waited until she got home late that night and asked to have a discussion with her. I was able to tell her in a couple of sentences that she is hurting the kids and the lies have to stop. She discounted everything as I was "filling the kids heads with junk" next she demanded I leave - if I did not, she was. I basically said I want to be here for the kids and did not want to leave - she did and here I am. <BR>So confirming, I actually... It was sickening - monthly anniversary cards (stopped at 5 months), love letters, sexual techniques and suggestions and then some. Then of course was were diary (only approx. 2 weeks) but it started on 10/28/96 (2 months prior then I originally thought).<P>When she called later that afternoon, I cued her that I knew. At first she STILL denied it! Then she broke down and tried to cast all blame on me. I just told her that i could not hear of it any longer. My big question to her was, where did she expect this to go?" By that I meant with the kids, as there is no way the kids would ever stand for this guy without EXTREME emotional upset. She told me to leave the house so she could come home. I said i was going to stay as I was the only stable thing the kids had at this moment She has been on an emotional roller coaster herself. I told her that if she chose to come home, "I would be here maintaining our distance and there would be no further discussion regarding it unless she wanted it." She did not come home. All signs point to she is with him to this very unfortunate moment!<P>Even though finding that "stuff" did finally bring "relief" after 7 months of torment, I'm not sure what pain is worse! Part of me wants her back SO MUCH - the other side NO! I'm not sure what to do. I do know that I've found such a "renewed feeling" with my children I ENJOY being with them, but they miss her so much. If she were to come in right now (as she is supposed to today) she will probably take them with her and I am helpless to do anything...<P>I'm not sure what my next card is??? At this point is she thinking "what the stakes really are (loss of family & potential loss of kids and respect)?" Or does she think, "it's finally out, now we can be open and run-away together?"<P>From there I don't know what to do??? I'm scared legally, emotionally and physically, but at the same time confident of what I now know.<P>Where does it go from here?<P>PLEASE HELP!!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by gz1234 (edited July 13, 2001).]

I am sorry for your pain. I agree that you should give this information to the OM's wife immediately as it will force the issue. My guess is that the OM will dump your wife when push comes to shove. Second and this is very important. Please contact a lawyer immediately to know of your legal rights and options. Thirdly whatever you do please do not leave your home and move out. Your wife could claim abandonment even if it is by mutual consent. Repeat Do Not Leave Your Home. Good luck and see a lawyer immediately to protect yourself and your children.

Ok, First, welcome to MB! You might want to check out some of the other forums...Emotional Needs is a good one for people dealing with all types of issues including this.<P>First of all, remember something here; YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR WIFE'S CHOICE. She did it. Not you.<P>Yes, you have had some issues in the past, but she is the one that has chosen this course of action.<P>You are right at the moment to assume that the needs of your children are and should be the MOST IMPORTANT thing right now.<P>Continue your AA and Anger Management. Don't give up on that. As for taking the diary to the Other Wife....there is both pro and con onthat if you page through the different forums. For me, my advice to you is to take it over to her, sit down at the kitchen table and go through it page by page and calmly dicuss what the impact is to both of you and your families. Remember that two families are being punished for two people's bad choices.<P>As for your children, as you already indicated, they have a heads up on what is happening....they will ask her their own questions and if they find she is lying, they will want to come to you.<P>Don't be afraid of what lies ahead. Make sure that you know in your own mind and heart what you want to do. Do NOT do anything to compromise your relationship with your children (I did and now regret it terribly)!<P>You already know that with this knowledge that you have, you have all the information you need to KNOW what to do.<P>Have faith and don't get down. See the other wife and between the two of you, figure out how you can both come at this thing. When the OM and your W figure out they have been exposed, something will have to give and they will be VERY uncomfortable!<P>Good Luck

Thanks brianp & freddyp...<P>I have already discussed this with my attorney at length. He wants me to go in tommorrow and discuss & possibly sign divorce proceedings. This to is obviously a BIG step but he feels it is necessary to protect my rights (just never thought it would come to this and I'm not sure if that is considered "throwing in the towel" which I don't really want to do YET). At this moment he is fully considering filing for full custody of the children because of the "circumstances." Something else that will be very uncomfortable as she is (was) a good mother - hopefully she will be again.<P>Thanks for the support, I do hope everything will be re-considered by them.<P>Just would love to let my mind rest for a few days but that cannot happen especially at this point in time...<P>GZ