My wife of two years met this guy on the internet in February. She talked to him on the phone a couple times and they got to know each other. I knew they were talking, but she hid it most of the time. She would wait until I fell asleep and sneak upstairs and call him. I would wake up some of the times, and notice her leaving. I approached her about it several times, wanting her to stay in bed with me, rather than spend all night talking to these guys. She got better for a while, but I guess this guy was too convincing. He is 45 years old, and has a 7 year old son and a marriage of convenience, just for their son. She said she started to confide in him about several things. She told him that she loves me and always has, but has been unhappy recently. <P>This guy, instead of being a good friend and counseling her on how to resolve her difficulty in communicating with me, took advantage of the situation and expressed his romantic interest in her. Eventually, in April, he flew down and she met him at a hotel about an hour away. She left early in the morning, after I left for work and met him. They spend the day there, and went back to his hotel room afterwards. She said they just did some kissing and groping that time, but the next day they returned and she had sex with him. She said she felt tremendously guilty afterwards, but as she was driving home, she said the feelings of guilt went away. He went home that day, and she continued to talk to him, every night, for the next few months. I started to ask her about him and she always assured me that it was an entirely platonic friendship. She lied to me, her friends, her family, everyone, just to cover up this relationship that she was getting deeper and deeper into.<P>He almost came down in May, then, and she was supposed to meet him at his hotel. But the night before he was to come down, we went to church and the Pastor prophesied that someone in church was having an affair on the internet. You can choose to believe as you wish about these "paranormal events" but they are a major part of my tragic story so I am going to tell them. He even specified that it was a young woman. And he said that this woman was supposed to meet this man soon. He said that God told him right then and there, that if she met him ONE more time, that she would be exposed. This frightened my wife, and she told him not to come down and they tried to back off. In the meantime, at this point, our sex life had dwindled to almost nothing and I was entering a deep state of depression. Nothing mattered to me and we hardly talked. She spent every night, talking with him, and falling more and more in love with this crooked man who did not belong to her, and was stealing the most precious thing to me.<P>Eventually, he convinced her that the prophecy wasn't for her, and convinced her to come up to see him. She stopped going to church almost completely and withdew from God. The painful stab in the back was that this trip was disguised as a trip to see my parents, last week. She stayed at my parents house, and during the day, while everyone was at work, he came and picked her up and they saw each other all week. On Wednesday, of last week, she slept with him again, and said she didn't feel any guilt at all by then.<P>She came home on Friday and I was so happy to see her. We spent Saturday at a Barbeque and I was so happy. That night, we went to sleep, and shortly after I was asleep, she stole upstairs and called him again. A couple months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and picked up the phone in our bedroom to see if she was online and I heard no dialtone, just silence. She was on the phone with someone and they stopped talking when I picked up. So she came downstairs, snuck in while I pretended to sleep and unplugged the phone. She made it a habit to unplug the phone then every time she went upstairs to talk to him. So last Saturday night at 2am, I woke up and thought she was online again, I plugged in the phone, picked it up quietly and I heard them speak. The sword that had been pricking my heart for the last few months, worrying that she was getting too close to this man, had just then been thrust all the way through my soul. I started shivering with cold like I was a dead man. I lay there, and shivered and felt that I couldn't breathe. She heard the noise and said something about to him about it. He said, "Well, maybe you should go to sleep." Then he told her that he loved her, and she said she loved him back. In a way that she hadn't told me in a very, very long time. She came down and stole into bed, and I lay there, shivering, cold, in the most pain I have ever felt in my life. With stammering lips I asked her "Who is he, honey?"<P>She took at least a full minute to respond, but it seemed like an eternity. She started weeping and confessed everything, the whole time holding my hand and crying uncontrollably. I lay there, in shock, not weeping yet, just in pain, not comprehending what had been going on behind my back. The woman I love more than life itself had fallen in love with another man. I asked her if she still loved him, and she said she did. I asked her if she regretted it, and she cried, but said she did not. I asked her why, and she said, it just went too far. We had not been talking, and this man obviously said all the right things, and she had let it go too far.<P>We cried and talked for hours. I asked her if she wanted to leave me, she said no. I asked if they had discussed moving in together and she said yes, but never planned on it. I asked her if she still loved me and she said "very much so". This beautiful woman I love so much was lying there, confused, broken hearted, and hurt. I told her that I want to make this work, but there were several conditions. She was to cut all communication with him off that very day. She wept bitterly when I said that, and I remained strong and told her to do it right then. She called him and spent nearly 20 minutes on the phone, when I came up and she said Good bye. She wept bitterly and it hurt me that she cried harder for missing him, than for hurting me. She had gotten WAY too deep in love with this man. In my pain, I felt blind. My heart felt empty. I felt, and still feel, completely worthless. As if every day of my life until that moment was completely wasted. I am a failure as a husband and this woman is not even sure if I can be everything she wants in me.<P>I decided we had to get out of the house, and it was 6:30 Sunday morning by then. We went to the beach and layed on a blanket, and watched the sun rise, mostly in silence. She had been up all night, obviously, so she slept. A restless sleep, in which she would cry occasionally, and toss and turn. I layed there, next to my wife, and wept, bitterly. The cool air was helping me, but I felt as if my entire insides were ripped out and I was a dead man, who was still conscious, yet I couldn't think. I couldn't see the future. Our future. I woke her, and we talked for a while. I told her I wanted to make this work. She said she wanted to, as well.<P>That day was pure misery. We went to church and we were like Zombies. I am sure everyone could see it. We came home after mornign service, and slept for a few hours and then woke, and talked for a few hours. Crying, most of the time. We talked about how we had grown apart. She asked me to forgive her for hurting me. I said I forgave her, and I do. I said I also forgave this man, even though I wanted more than anything to hate him and tear him limb from limb. I needed healing, and fast, or I felt like I would die. Death would have been welcome, and sometimes it still feels like it would be, since I feel so hopeless and I would do anything to stop this pain.<P>We went to church again that evening, and she was as numb in church as she had been for the past few months. She had blocked out God and sin and felt nothing but pain for hurting me, and for losing the new man she had come to love. Later, I cried and cried and prayed aloud, as everyone else began to pray and call out to God for their needs, and the louder the crowd got, the louder I cried out to God for mercy on us. She was still numb, as she had been, at first, but then took hold of my arm and began to call on God as well. That night, she said she felt a little bit stronger after the prayer. It gave me just an ounce of relief, but has started to give me hope.<P>Yesterday we had lunch together and I know, without a doubt, that she loves me. We embraced and kissed in a way that we hadn't in a long time. She is even looking for a job today! <P>I don't know what our future holds, but I know this much... I love my wife more than I love my own life. I would do anything for her. I want so badly for us to be as one again. Leaving her isn't even an option for me. If she chose to leave me, I could never replace her. I feel as if our biggest obstacle is getting her to forget her love for this man. She promised me to never speak to him again. At least until I think it would be ok. And I think that time is most likely never. If anything, it will be when she no longer *wants* to speak to him. Then she will have truly let that relationship go, and have commended all her love to me again.<P>I need help so badly right now. I am in so much pain right now, every time a sad song comes on the radio, I cry silently in my cubicle and try to keep working. <P>I guess I didn't intend to write this much, and it has been an hour since I began typing. Writing this out hasn't made me feel better, maybe a little. But I just feel a little numb from the complacence that putting my misery into words has caused.<P>I know this is a different situation than many of you might be acustomed to dealing with, since it deals with deep spiritual implications as well. I don't ask any of you to comment on those particular situations, if you don't wish to. But what I need right now, more than anything, is a hand to hold and some advice on what not to do.<P>Thank you for listening.<BR>God Bless you all.<p>[This message has been edited by GodlyMan (edited June 26, 2001).]

What a heartbreaking story. I think that you are a very strong person especially since this happened only after two years of message. There are a couple of things I find most disturbing. The fact that during this sexual affair she said she did not feel guilty about sleeping with him. The second thing is your statement that she said she would not talk to him again until you feel O.K. with it. This is very important for you to realize in that she must NEVER be in contact with this OM again. If you ever say you are O.K. with it then the chances are great that it will resume.<BR>The chances are good unfortunately that she will still try to contact him again so be prepared for this. You must get her into professional counseling or the chances will not be all that great for her to permanently cut herself off from him.<BR>Your message indicated how manipulative and how smart she was to fool you although having her talk so much to this guy virtually in front of you seemed quite obvious. I am going to suggest that you put a hidden phone tap on your phone. You have to have as much knowledge as possible. Expect your wife to try to contact him again. You have started a major rollercoaster ride. You must get into professional marriage counseling immediately. I wish you luck.

Agree with Bryanp. It was truly a remarkable post. So much pain. Couple of questions. I am a WS. In recovery for 9 months. Does your wife still go on the internet? Is she accountable for her time? <P>There is no way that her and that man could ever possibly speak again. Once you cross the line, you can never be friends. Ever. You are in a great deal of pain, and she is still in the fog. At two weeks the pain is incredible, she hasn't even begun to realize how much pain she inflicted. I'm not saying she is not, but I remember the first couple weeks, and it was hell. It seemed surreal. As I said, 9 months later, my H still has really painful momments, and I just lose it sometimes thinking about what I had done. I have had serious threrapy, went into a treatment center, and am on a high dose anti depressant. Somedays I still wonder how I could have done what I did. <P>Take care, and keep posting!<BR>PJ

I guess it is pretty clear that her speaking to him is pretty much an impossibility, then. I've been reading this site, and it's wonderful and easy to understand, unlike most of the sites I've been looking at for help.<P>Bryan, she never said that about not speaking to him again until I was OK with it. I was thinking of laying it out like that, but you guys have convinced me that is far better to completely eliminate contact. I've been reading the PlanA/PlanB thing and I don't know if I can handle Plan B. I would need to be on heavy medication, for sure, because when I am alone, is when I hurt the most. Last night, just being with her, instead of her being upstairs talking, was so amazing. It has been what I have been longing for, SO much.<P>She still does go on the internet. As a matter of fact, I was just chatting with her from my workplace. I suggested that we get rid of it, though. At least AOL, where she meets and chats with people. But you brought up another point that is kind of hard for me to deal with right now. Accountability. <P>I've always trusted my wife with all my heart. I let her meet several guys she met on the internet, and was completely convinced they were all platonic. Well, the last one turned out to be just a little bit more. Quite a bit more, actually. I still want to trust her, and I want to allow her the freedom she loves and appreciates so much. But will it actually be necessary for me to ask her to account for all the time she is not with me or at work? I think the phone tap is a good idea, but if she found out, wouldn't she be upset at me for not committing to trust her?<P>PlainJane, it was so wonderful to read your post. To see this situation somewhat from my wife's perspective. I am trying to be respectful of her situation as well, as difficult as it is to be sympathetic of what she did. But the fact is that she will be going through pain as well. My only hope is that since her relationship did only last a few months, that their love is not as strong as it seems. I have been trying to do everything I can in the past two days that I haven't been doing for the past year. I brought her a rose, and a card. And we were at the supermarket Sunday night and she feel in love with this silly yellow baloon and yesterday, after work, I stopped by there and picked it up for her. She almost cried, she was so happy I got it.<P>It's been only two days, and we have had good moments and bad moments, but my confidence in our success is building. But if she contacts him again, and doesn't tell me, that will just about destroy our chances. How can I make sure she doesn't do it again? She has already promised, but she was weak in the past, so she can become weak again. How can I make it easier for her to forget him?<P>Thank you all SO much for your replies and heartfelt concern.

I don't want to sound like the grim reaper, but, your wife having met other men on the internet is not a good thing! It sounds like you love her so very much and you are still in shock. One thing my husband did was he removed all of my internet access. I had none. Then after awhile, I was able to go on line, but only to "recovery" sights. I had a problem with all kinds of sights. My aol im was immediatley gone. My email went directly into his in box. Now, months and months later, I just recently got my email, and I have been venturing to other sights. Ebay....(differant story) <P>Another thing we did was every day either I would mention it, or he would and that was if there was any contact, or even if I thought about the OM. It may be uncomfortable at first, especially if she did think of him, but it is also a great trust building tool for the both of you. One, she can feel safe to tell you those things. After our d day, my husband told me many things that he had done prior to us even knowing each other. Differant mistakes, problems, he had, specifically relationships. That helped me in order to face my problems. I had thought my husband was on this high pedestal, that I could never be good enough.....I never would have dreamed that he could do something, so immoral. But, what I found was that he did make mistakes, he is human. That has helped a great deal too.<P>I applaud you for wanting to works so hard, so fast. Has she seen this sight? Perhaps she could post too? It has helped me and my husband a great deal.....<P>Take Care<BR>PJ

I mentioned this site to her just earlier, when we were chatting. I wanted her to read some of the advise the site gives, but I am not sure how she would feel about this forum and discussing this issue with strangers. I know it is helping me already, but she might see it differently. I will have to bring it up with her, though. <P>We have decided on a 100% honesty policy, though. No more secrets. The secret lives we led apart from each other are what killed us and that has to stop. I told her about a few girls even I had been talking to online, desparate seeking for companionship that I didn't have, but I never found it. So I don't want her to feel like she so far beneath me, either. If the circumstances came up, I don't know if I would have been faithful either. We have some genuine problems and she has such a hard time communicating her thoughts and feelings and every day is a struggle.<P>I did ask her to tell me if the OM ever tried to contact her, but I haven't considered asking her to even tell me if she thinks about him. I am not sure I could handle it. I even told her this morning that there are so many questions I have, but am afraid to ask because I am not sure I want to know the answer to them. But if she is thinking about him, I would like to know. How do I go about that?

Just a comment from a former WS; now a BS with my H filing for divorce.<P>Your W had the affair because there is something that she needs but that you are not meeting. <P>In my case, it was that my H said that he trusted his friends more than me, and believed them instead of me in a conflict that we had.<P>But I didn't realize what the real problem was at the time. I only knew that I hurt and that the OM gave something to me that I wasn't getting from my H.<P>As crazy as it sounds, I loved both. I loved them each for different reasons, because they met different needs. So I understand when your wife says that she loves both you and this OM. <P>The one thing that the OM did for me, and the thing that the OM does for your W is Conversation. TALK to your wife. Spend time with her. Find a recreation that the two of you can do together. Take a class in it, do your homework together, and use those conversations as steps to more intimate conversations. Call her from your work daily, maybe several times a day. Exchange e-mails with her. Share yourself, your thoughts and feelings, dreams, with her.<P>And I pray that your marriage does better than mine.<P>~Amy

There is absolutely no doubt that you are correct that we need to talk more. But my dilemma is that I have always wanted to talk more and she has been the one that avoids deep conversations. We talk about things that interest us, and other people, but we seldom talk about our feelings, and our wants and needs. This is mostly because she has an admitted problem with expressing her thoughts and feelings to me. Or to anyone. <P>I real the column on the Internet Relationships, and realized that we have a somewhat unique situation. I met my wife on the internet and we dated for a year and a half before finally marrying. (A year and a half seemed like an interminable length of time back then!) She expresses herself more easily through email and chat than she does in person. She acknowledges this difficulty readily. And when we got married, and she was faced with the task of expressing herself to me face to face, she fell short. In the meantime, her emotional needs were going unmet. Not because I wan't there, but because she couldn't do it. So she turned to the internet again to fill those emotional needs, and found it easy to express herself to these strangers, eventually falling in love with one.<P>What I need to figure out is how to help her communicate with me face to face, so that both of our emotional needs are met! In the meantime, I think your advice sounds excellent, and I will email her, and call her and chat with her as often as I can. If we do that, and she does learn to express herself face-to-face, we will overcome a huge hurdle that was a major cause for this affair in the first place. <P>My other problem then is going to be restentment. I find myself sitting here, at work, and finding images of them in each other's arms come into my mind. I have vomited several times as a result of this and everyone at work thinks I have a serious stomach flu and is encouraging me to stay home. But work is helping me keep my mind occupied and I need that. I've read the column on resentment as well, and man oh man, I hope it doesn't take ten years to help me overcome these images that cause feelings of remorse, disgust and inadequacy in me.<P>I understand that this post has become extremely lengthy, and to those of you that have commited the time to read and comment, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are helping me tremendously.

I'm also a lot like your W. I like to say that I like using e-mail because I can 'compose' myself. It's my H that I could never get to talk. He must be the only person in the world that doesn't have sexual fantasies. I was more than willing to try to fulfill his fantasies, but he always claimed that he never had any. Clearly, he had a problem sharing the more intimate parts of his life.<P>IF you are willing to spend some money, there is a set of classes that may help. They are designed to improve communication, specifically between couples, but also for people in management positions, etc. The website is:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.pairs.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.pairs.com/</A> <P>I tried to get my H to go with me to a PAIRS worshop when he first left, but he wouldn't even consider going.<P>~Amy

Today is a relatively better day. I woke up feeling in the dumps, but I didn't cry the whole drive to work like I usually do. And when I got to work, there was a message on my voicemail from my wife. Last night, while in the shower, she called my work number and left me a message saying she was thinking about me, and that she appreciates me SO much, and loves me with all her heart.<P>God, I love her so much. What I would give to just erase this affair entirely. But she says she still thinks about him occasionally and has had urges to call him. I told her to tell me about these urges every time she has them, so I could help her be strong. We are sticking with Plan A, and as long as I can encourage her, and give her the relationship she lost, I think we can do it =)

GodlyMan:<P>I would strongly urge you (and your wife) to try the phone counseling service provided by MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639 for appointments). Steve and Jenn Harley (Dr. Harley's adult children) do the counseling, and they're both terrific. They could help the two of you lay out a plan for successfully recovering and rebuilding your marriage---and I'm concerned that you're in a very "dangerous" time.<P>Your wife's affair has become an "addiction" of sorts, as you can plainly see. One of the issues with addicts is that if they're confronted and "forced" to give up their addiction---they may become better and smarter at hinding their "substance abuse", in this case, the OM. My wife had an affair too---and it started as an internet affair. Under the direction of Steve Harley, I did a Plan A while my wife sat on the fence regarding her affair---she wasn't able to end it of her own free will. After dealing with this for about 6 months (the "average" recommended time that a betrayed spouse should "Plan A" during an active affair), I decided to go to Plan B (and yes, heavy medication was very helpful... ). On the "threat" of Plan B, my wife ended her affair---much like your wife did (a long phone call). And she went through depression for a couple weeks---very low. But she pulled out of it. I remarked to Steve (and he agreed) that she was either feeling better about the marriage, or that she was in contact again with the OM.<P>It was the latter, unfortunately. Part of my concern for your situation is that you've "forced" her to give up the OM. That can work---but it's also possible that it'll backfire. Addicts often need to hit bottom all by themselves, and <B>they</B> need to realize for themselves exactly how their destructive behavior is ruining their life. I want you to be aware that there is a real possibility that you may see a relapse, and one of the reasons I suggest the MB counseling is that Steve (or Jenn) are excellent coaches who can get you through this period.<P>In my wife's case, it took a real Plan B (done a month or so after the affair restarted)---followed by her becoming pregnant by the OM---followed by a revision to Plan A by me, and threats from the OM to seek custody of her child (talk about a lovebusting way to end an affair!). But she ended up having to make these decisions for herself, to have them stick. And even after she did, and even with how horrible the OM was in the last weeks---it still took her nearly three months to get though the "withdrawal" phase of the end of the affair.<P>The good news is that we've had a happy ending. I hope that you find the same---but please consider trying the counseling.

I would definitely love to do the counseling. We are planning on reading through this site tonight and I hope to bring it up with her. She has so much difficulty expressing herself, though, and I am afraid it won't be as effective, although I know she will agree to it. She has agreed to anythign I have suggested and seems very committed to making it work.<P>One thing I'd like to clarify is that I didn't actually force her to break it off. I asked her if she wanted to, at first. And she said yes. I asked several times if she was sure, if maybe she didn't want to leave, and take some time off to decide (I unknowingly constructed PlanB without knowing about it at the time) and she adamantly said no, she wants more than anythign to be with me and reconcile. So at that time I told her she needed to cut off communication with him. I wish I had know Dr H's advice on writing the letter to end the affair instead of letting them have a private phone call. She even asked me if I would be listening when she made the call, and I knew she didn't want me to and I agreed not to listen, which I feel was a mistake. I have been doing this for 6 months and I need to stop.<P>But I have definitely resolved that if she does make contact again, I will immediately resort to Plan B. I know it will be extremely painful for her since she can't live with the OM and would have to go live with her mother, but it would force her to deal with the consequences of her actions.<P>I hope it doesn't come to that. But I have become stronger about resolving to that solution if it is made necessary.<P>Thank you for your suggestions. I really am going to consider the phone counseling idea since we don't have a lot of money and it would be much easier to keep confidential.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> But I have definitely resolved that if she does make contact again, I will immediately resort to Plan B. I know it will be extremely painful for her since she can't live with the OM and would have to go live with her mother, but it would force her to deal with the consequences of her actions.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>GodlyMan: One of the primary areas that you should be focusing on is in implementing the rule of honesty---complete and total, 100% honesty. It seems as though you recognize this, but I'd caution you to make sure that you realize that your job in this is to <I>encourage</I> honesty by providing a safe environment for your wife to be honest with you.<P>A threat of Plan B if she contacts the OM again will discourage her honesty, not encourage it. And, in fact, it's not a real "Plan B" if you're using it as a threat or as a reprisal for a one-time act. Plan A is used to create an improved environment in an affair-stricken marriage---so that the wayward spouse can see hope for the marriage and end the affair on their own. Although this can be hard for the betrayed spouse, they should strive to establish a consistant track record of eliminating lovebusting behavior (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands) and attempting to meet emotional needs that the wayward spouse will allow them to meet. This is the way that you would respectfully "negotiate" the end of the affair.<P>If the affair hasn't ended after a solid period in Plan A (at least 3 months), AND you are feeling the love for your spouse fading (due to the continued affair), you should then consider Plan B. Plan B is to preserve your love for your spouse by insulating yourself from them while the affair burns out (most affairs end within two years of being "outed"), as well as forcing the OP to provide for all your spouses needs in a less "fantasy-based" relationship. Plan B isn't a weapon, or retaliation for the affair.<P>I hope you can do the counseling---I think it'll really help your situation.

I think you misunderstood. I haven't communicated my resolution to go to Plan B if contact with the OM is made. It is just a personal commitment I made in my own mind. As far as she is concerned, she is the one that has resolved to end her relationship with him, and Plan A is working well so far. I have been encouraging her to be strong when she starts to think about the relationship, and I try to encourage her to focus on other things and she said it has helped her this far. I know, though, that it has been only three days, but it seems like the past three days have been weeks in themselves.<P>

GodlyMan,<P><B>I haven't communicated my resolution to go to Plan B if contact with the OM is made. It is just a personal commitment I made in my own mind.</B><BR>Perhaps YOU should read & understand what Plan A & plan B are, what they are designed to do and WHY you would/should do them.<P>Plan B is only after you have done a good Plan A and shown your spouse you understand how to be loving, understanding and caring, even in the most trying of times.<P>You sound like you “really want to teach her a lesson” by going to Plan B.<P><B>I would definitely love to do the counseling. We are planning on reading through this site tonight and I hope to bring it up with her. </B><BR>Do it even if she does not want to or is wishy-washy about it. It will help you to better understand & apply MB principles<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I definitely don't intend to use Plan B to "teach her a lesson". As a matter of fact, I have doubts that I will even be able to go through with it, if it became necessary. I love her so much and it would be pure torture to have to separate from her. That's why resolve is necessary, because I am not sure I'll do it, and I'll end up just letting her walk all over me again.<P>It's so hard to trust her now =(. The past few days, she's been getting online and chatting and she swears she hasn't so much as contacted this guy. I believe her, but it is so hard to just stay away when she is online. My mind races and I feel anxiety attacks come on. But I have continued to trust her and love her like I never have before. I have let her have privacy and space, because I am afraid to crowd her right now.<P>We've spent an awesome amount of time together, though =). We've ate out, and gone for walks, and just spent time snuggling on the couch, more than we have in a year. We don't have many other friends, though, and I am afraid that she will get tired of me again, but I am enjoying this now, and doing my best to be everything she wants me to be. To me, Plan B would be another failure on my part, and I am trying not to even think about it.<P>I have considered installing software on our computer to keep track of her Instant Messages on AOL, but have decided against it. Even if she never found out that I installed the software, it would be mistrust in my heart that would seem to compromise Plan A's effectivenes.

<B>I have doubts that I will even be able to go through with it, if it became necessary. I love her so much and it would be pure torture to have to separate from her. </B><BR>IT’s the lesser of two evils. Either she continues to have an affair in your face (which will cause you to resent & lose your love for her) and you start to do Love Busters all the time, or you do Plan B, which is to PREVENT all this from happening. Not easy, but necessary at some point TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE!<P><B>But I have continued to trust her and love her like I never have before. I have let her have privacy and space, because I am afraid to crowd her right now.</B><BR>Trust-You’d like to trust her but at this point it’s (probably) not possible.<BR>Love her-Great, but don’t smother her.<P><B>I have considered installing software on our computer to keep track of her Instant Messages on AOL, but have decided against it.</B><BR>I think it would be a waste of time & money as well as allowing you to build resentment (when you see what is going on.)<P>You know it’s probably still going on. Don’t be confrontational about it. When/if she stops, you’ll know.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>