Hi. I found out about my H's cyber affair in Feb. 2001. The OWH called me to tell me they were having cybersex. The OW was a friend of my h's sister. My SIL is the one that gave my H's email address to this woman. She also gave her a picture of him and told her friend "not to go there with him". That tells me that she new her friend was heavy into the cyber world. This has been the most devastating thing that has evey happened to me. We have been married for 19 years, have 2 children and I thought he loved and adored me. He says that he does and always has. My H was in a job that he hated. It took him out of town all the time. He says that this only happened when he was on the road. But, he was doing this instead of calling me at night. He had also been surfing porn and "handling" things for himself for about 2 years without my knowledge. I have a counselor, he has a psychologist (thought he might be a SA), and we have started marriage counseling. I didn't think I was going to make it through Feb. I cried all the time. It is getting somewhat better now. But I still backslide somedays. I love him and he loves me. I don't understand how this can happen. What is it that makes a person think that this is OK behavior? This turned me into a total basket case. The viewing of pornography made me think that he wasn't satisfied with me physically. It made me feel very inadequate as a woman. He wasn't looking at 39 year old women who have had 2 kids. I can't compete with 20 year olds. I got contacts, lost 30 lbs., started tanning, and got more blonde highlights. I feel better about my looks now than I have in years! However, I'm still very anxious where my marriage is concerned. He is doing all the right things, but I sometimes wonder about his motives. I have a fear that he is pulling the wool over my eyes. As soon as I start to trust again he might slip back into this cyber stuff. He says that he doesn't miss it and will never go back there. Can I trust that? I now know that this was a problem with him and didn't have anything to do with me. It is hard to accept that though.<BR>

A little more info. My H tells me he cared nothing for this woman. That he was just interested in her for the nude pics she was sending him. Nude pics were exchanged by both but mostly on her part. Although he did tell me that he told her that he wasn't happy in his job and that we were having some problems. He did forget TO TELL ME THIS! When he first started with the porn our sex life was almost nonexistent but last year that all changed. I found a website on his email address that was like a dating service except it was for people looking for sex. He had a profile and everything. He assured me that he was only there looking at the pics. He told me then that he had been taking things in his own hands so to speak. This made me so sad and I vowed to have sex with him any time that he wanted. I held up my end of the bargain and thought that everything was pretty good. We were spending more time together than we had in a long time. Then I found out that this is also the same time this was happening with her. I am devastated! I don't know which is harder, the knowing this was happening or the lying that went with it. We are trying very hard and following the MB philosophy but some days I can't quit shaking. I'm not sure what this means for my marriage. I don't know what this says about him, me and us. One of my friends told me that she thinks I am the strong one in the relationship and always has. This floored me. I have never thought of myself as strong. Very emotional but not strong.

Welcome <B>NewMe2001</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Sexual additions, whether old or new have to be addressed...<BR>...they cannot be left to theor own accord...<P>Do check out... the following...<BR><A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/" TARGET=_blank>What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!!</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.chatcheaters.com" TARGET=_blank>Internet Infidelity Prevention, Detection, Advice and Books</A><BR><A HREF="http://netaddiction.com/" TARGET=_blank>Center for On-Line Addiction</A><BR><A HREF="http://temagami.uwaterloo.ca/~petz/affair.html" TARGET=_blank>Affairs of the Internet</A><P>and<P>check out the section on "<B>Withdrawal from OP:</B>" in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 30, 2001).]

Hi new:<P>Welcome. I know how easy it is to cross-examine an A until you're going nuts. I'm here to offer a slightly different perspective. First of all, consider Jim's words carefully. If your H is experiencing sexual addiction, there is help.<BR>However, some of your H's behaviour may not necessarily be a sign of a complex problem. There are many people who view erotica occasionally, even if they have a stable relationship...be assured that no magazine has ANYTHING to do with the flesh-and-blood person that loves you. A magazine has never made me view my partner differently. There are also many people who "handle things" themselves. I know the natural impulse is to feel insulted or passed over but the reality is...sometimes that happens when people are bored, stressed out or even feeling good. <BR>Two major things are wrong here:<BR>1) Your H. has had a cyber-affair with another person with the assistance of his sister.<BR>2) Your H. lied to you.<BR>I think that the lying is the most crippling, difficult part of an A. You H. must earn your trust again, and this will happen over time.<BR>Do not try and mould yourself into a magazine queen. Be you! Read about Plan A carefully...you will see that, ultimately, as long as you take a bath occasionally , Plan A is about you and he as whole people.<P>Good luck,<P>Robyn<BR>

NSR, Robyn's Clues,<P>Thank you both for your posts. My H went to a psychologist and he doesn't think that my h is a SA. He thinks that it was just his coping mechanism. The stress that he put on himself in his job and his life was tremendous. <P>Robyn, I understand that some people occasionally look at erotica. I don't have a problem with that. Especially if it is being used to enhance a couples sex life. However, my h was using it everyday. Alone. He was actively searching it out and having it emailed to him at the same time. He was not masturbating to magazine pics, he was doing it to pics of local women. Women in the same town where he would travel to every other week. He has assured me that he was ONLY looking at the pictures. Not looking for someone to have sex with. But it still bothers me. <BR>Also, I think that masturbation is a God given right for everyone. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem if he is viewing pics of other women while doing it. I know he would feel the same if I were doing it to pics of other men.<P>Please don't think that I am a prude. I am not. I enjoy sex very much and I enjoy trying new and exciting things with my h. I think that it should be just that. Shared. <P>I have read a lot about pornography since this has happened. Most of the things I have read say that it dilutes the mind. That men who actively look at porno eventually lose interest in their wives bodies. Because the fantasy airbrushed model is what they like. We all know that REAL women aren't airbrushed. I think that this is where my insecurities are coming into play. <P>We are actively trying to rebuild. It is the hardest thing that I have ever encountered. I love him but it is hard for me to completely give myself to him like I did before.<BR>I know that this will take time. He is trying very hard to be the man he wants to be.<P> I am still not sure where to put his sister in this. He says she had nothing to do with it. That she is still his sister and that I will have to deal with that. I just feel betrayed by her as well. I don't think that she knew this was going on. But, she did know that the potential for cybersex was there with her or she wouldn't have told he "not to go there with him". She chose not to mention it to me. I knew that they were talking. She was supposedly asking him questions about and getting help wih her computer. He has had no contact with her since Feb. I know that we can get through this. It's just going to take a lot of time and hard work. Sorry so long.<P>Thank you again for your insight.<P><BR>NM <p>[This message has been edited by NewMe2001 (edited July 04, 2001).]

Hi New:<P>Your response has taught me a couple of things I didn't know. I understand your concerns better. I'm not sure how I would feel about your SIL right about now. Certainly, her actions were not ones that promote a harmonious marriage, were they? I think I would be quite angry, and my trust for her would be weakened.<BR>I know you feel like you cannot give yourself completely to your H. at this time. I felt that, too. Then the feeling morphed into something else. At first I felt totally protective of myself. It was a weird time, between Sept (occurrence) and January (when we became engaged). I'd come home each night wondering if he would be there. I'd sit on the couch with him watching the hockey game, but in my mind I was running scenarios. The first one was of us, happy, on our wedding day. The second was me, in a small house with lots of colourful art, feeling content and resourceful. His appearance in the second scenario was optional. I came to see that with him or without him, I was going to make a bright future. I felt detatched from him for awhile. My strength grew. I realized I would never live in the dreamworld of total love and protection I had left.<BR>Now, we have something new. They say that a broken bone is stronger than before it broke.When we admire a much older couple, we admire the ones that have survived hardships and come out stronger. <P>Possibly, new, you are going to come out twice as strong as you were before. I hope to as well.<P>hugs,<P>Robyn<BR>