A sad story. I’m married 17 years now. Two years ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with a man living in my community. This guy always wanted to go for launch with me while making moves on my wife. She would talk to him about our marriage and then as expected the emotional affair happened. It went on for 19 months before I found out about it. Everyone knew about it but me. Needless to say her reputation in our community is just horrible. The affair ended and we went to a marriage counselor only for a short time. I did believe that we were getting closer. My wife is the product of a broken home and a dad that was a drunk and beat her as a child. Her natural mother deserted her as well at the age of two, only to grow up with her stepmother. Her Dad left when she was 14. I’m sure all these issues are now coming out and getting in the way of our life together. It almost seems, as she needs constant attention. The end result is she has a family that loves her very much.<P> She is very pretty, may to good looking. A few years ago she discovered the gym and started to go every day of the week, it’s where the first affair started. Between the gym and her other activities the children never see her. We have a housekeeper that keeps it all together for me. We have two boys and a girl all not in there teens yet. My wife also has a drinking problem and has a DWI already and constantly drinks and drives and smokes pot. Because she goes to the gym so often we never see her in the morning and her children never are able to bond with her, let alone me. Thinking about it, my wife changed and I might be the reason. I didn’t mention that she lost most of her married friends and now only really has divorcees as friends. Not good. She became very self absorbed, sad and destructive. We haven’t had a home cooked mail in three years, thank god for the housekeeper.<P>During the last two years while earning a very good living I was under financial stress, which I’m sure, didn’t help. I just worked through it and now the pressure is off. I did ask her to work a few days a week to help us out, she is a licensed professional. But that never happened. Would interfere with her life style.<P>During the last three months we haven’t touched each other at all, yet we had the best sex life. The next thing I know she wants a divorce, she gave me reasons, I work very long hours, I’m not supportive, I’m a machine, I’m not loving, We don’t communicate and a whole list of other things that help her justify what will soon happen to us and our children. In short she is no longer in love with me.<BR>I started looking around our bedroom and found an AOL list of divorce attorneys. My wife doesn’t know how to work a computer. The name it was addressed to was Steven. The next thing I find are love cards from him to my wife telling her that they will have a great future together, Then the next card how he’s her best friend and will help her through this and his own divorce because they have a love of the ages. Then I find a letter to him how he has restored her desire and capacity to love again and they’re relationship is timeless. What happen to the man that worked his tail off to give her everything she wanted? The next thing I find is a beeper in her purse belonging to him.<P>I love my wife but I must be a fool to deal with this. I have tried to reconnect with her during the last few weeks, but should I.? She will loose her kids and her life and all the things that should be important to her. I think she is in a fog. What should I do? Should I try to help her and see a marriage councilor and this time really try to reconnect or let it go based on her way of life. I have three beautiful children I need to protect from this horror. I know that I will get custody. I do love her and we are now strangely enough actually touching each other, its strange we weren’t able to go near each other before this. What do I do? <P>

adam,<P>It sounds like your wife is trying very hard to escape the life she has, but that doesn't mean there isn't any hope. My suggestion to you would be to read all the articles on this site that you can and then get Harley's book Surviving an Affair. Read it first. Then you might want to check out His Need, Her Needs. Harley has the best handle on this thing I've run across.<P>He can at least give you the tools to understand what's going on and make constructive decisions about it. I think you'll find his stuff very helpful.<P>Take care, I wish you the best. Nothing is more difficult than this; at least nothing I've experienced.<P>Ishmael

I just don't see this working out. She is being pushed to get a seperation or divorce, once that happens we move into fast forward. As long as she is connecting with this <BR>OM she will remain in the fog and move to destroy the one good thing she has "US". Last week she went to a grand opening party. At 11:30 Pm my oldest son grew concerned and called her cell. She returns call and is totaly drunk while driving a car. We went after her and found her several blocks away, she coulnt even walk or talk. What do you make of this ?. Is she trying to destroy herself and her family or is she screaming for help.<P>Well its another day and she leaves early in the morning and comes home drunk in late afternoon. Doesn’t call the house to see what her children are doing. Very painful. I have a wife that has made the decision to disengage from her family and her husband for a fantasy affair. It’s only a matter of time before it gets worse. I need to stay strong for my children.

adamsol:<P>I am sorry for your pain. Your story is a very vivid one. I want to raise a point and it is not to cause further pain, but to consider. I quote:<P>"We have a housekeeper that keeps it all together for me."<P>"During the last two years while earning a very good living I was under financial stress, which I’m sure, didn’t help. I just worked through it and now the pressure is off."<P>"she gave me reasons, I work very long hours, I’m not supportive, I’m a machine, I’m not loving, We don’t communicate"<P>Dr. Harley tells us that the #1 reason women leave men is neglect. I would guess that the lifestyle you have provided to means less to your wife than having you to talk to, spend time with and be friends with. I know that you think working your [censored] off is the best form of support you can offer. It isn't.<P>Make the adjustments that allow you to be with her...even if it means sacrificing some of the material things.<P>If my spouse suddenly disappeared 4 nights a week and a huge paycheque appeared, I would feel empty and lonely. Honest to God, it's the truth. I would rather have my albums in milk crates for the rest of my life than lose my best friend. <P>IMHO, it is the best way to save your marriage.<P>Very best of luck,<P>Robyn