My wife of 17years has told me that she is in love with someone else. It has been only a few weeks and we have seperated. I still hope to work things out but she is at a place where she would rather start the process of breaking up. It is a very long distance relationship and no sex to this point only emotional and they have meet. She thinks this may be her soul mate and he may meet her emotional needs that I do not. I have remained calm and do Love my wife unconditionaly and do wish for her to be happy but I am afraid this is only a search on her part for ones self. My fear now is that because she has told me everything (I believe she has) that she will not be able to return to us because of the baggage or of course she may just wish to try him. We have two children which we both love and are trying to keep focus for them also. I am going to counseling (she currently is not) and trying to work on my emotions so I can meet her as well as my needs for intimacy, etc. I am a positive person that loves life but just can not show it enough. I am a good husband (faithful) and person. My wife is coodependent person, very giving, selfless type. She has told me that she has gave and gave to me, family, friends, etc. and never gotten what she felt was a return. She is now "done" and for the first time in her life feels cold and wishes to find herself and what she wants in life. She is torn on what to do but is leaning towards the other guy. I am now in a battle of my life looking for a number of possible solutions, advise, silmilar stories and willing to except in one hear and out the other along with books, professional help and friends advise I have received to this point. <P><BR>

pdm,<P>I'm sorry to hear this. I found myself in the same boat as you (sorta) 3 months ago. My W confessed to a EA/PA that lasted 3+ months. Although she ended the A and confessed, it didnt' end there. She too 'loved' OM, it appears to have been a very deep EA that progressed to PA.<P>Our situation was very familiar, just not as obvious. 3 days after d-day I was fortunate to find this site and I read all I could. I learned about emotional needs (EN) and how they are vital to any marriage. Without any help from my W, I discovered on my own which needs I wasn't meeting. When I went to W with this, she confirmed it. I immediatley did some soul searching and dug deep to correct these short comings, more importantly, I made sure that they wern't acts of desperation, they had to be permanent.<P>After a little talking, we discovered that OM is the exact oppisite of me, he had all the EN's I didn't, the only diffrence is that W didn't know she was missing anything from me or our marraige. She said to the OM during the whole A that she couldn't understand why she was doing this, she loved me and was very happily married. After gathering all this info, it made sense. She was lacking EN's OM was filling, it sounds text book actually according to this site. I was fortunate that she still loved me, I used that as my foundation and ran with it. I have to say that I was very skeptical at first about this whole thing, but I had nothing to loose. I went for it and Plan A'd my butt of. I'm happy to say that not only are we surviving, but we are growing stronger, more loving and I am becoming a better person because of it.<P>You have to provide a safe, loving and caring environment for her. As hard as it will be, you can't have any disrespectful judgements or make any selfish demands. You have to Plan A, Plan A, Plan A....meet those needs the best you can. You will have to alter your personality and change some of your habits, but it's just so rewarding to have your WS respond to your "self improvement". The more she repsonds, the more you're willing to do it. It can not be fake or short term, it will have to be permanant. <P>It's sad to say that I believe that an EA is more devestating that a PA (for me anyways). Sex is sex, but emotions run deep and much longer. <P>You need patience, love and one hell of a shoulder to burden all of this.<P>Good luck....post and read often, it really helps.<P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by scarlet pumpernickle:<BR><B>pdm,<P>I'm sorry to hear this. I found myself in the same boat as you (sorta) 3 months ago. My W confessed to a EA/PA that lasted 3+ months. Although she ended the A and confessed, it didnt' end there. She too 'loved' OM, it appears to have been a very deep EA that progressed to PA.<P>Our situation was very familiar, just not as obvious. 3 days after d-day I was fortunate to find this site and I read all I could. I learned about emotional needs (EN) and how they are vital to any marriage. Without any help from my W, I discovered on my own which needs I wasn't meeting. When I went to W with this, she confirmed it. I immediatley did some soul searching and dug deep to correct these short comings, more importantly, I made sure that they wern't acts of desperation, they had to be permanent.<P>After a little talking, we discovered that OM is the exact oppisite of me, he had all the EN's I didn't, the only diffrence is that W didn't know she was missing anything from me or our marraige. She said to the OM during the whole A that she couldn't understand why she was doing this, she loved me and was very happily married. After gathering all this info, it made sense. She was lacking EN's OM was filling, it sounds text book actually according to this site. I was fortunate that she still loved me, I used that as my foundation and ran with it. I have to say that I was very skeptical at first about this whole thing, but I had nothing to loose. I went for it and Plan A'd my butt of. I'm happy to say that not only are we surviving, but we are growing stronger, more loving and I am becoming a better person because of it.<P>You have to provide a safe, loving and caring environment for her. As hard as it will be, you can't have any disrespectful judgements or make any selfish demands. You have to Plan A, Plan A, Plan A....meet those needs the best you can. You will have to alter your personality and change some of your habits, but it's just so rewarding to have your WS respond to your "self improvement". The more she repsonds, the more you're willing to do it. It can not be fake or short term, it will have to be permanant. <P>It's sad to say that I believe that an EA is more devestating that a PA (for me anyways). Sex is sex, but emotions run deep and much longer. <P>You need patience, love and one hell of a shoulder to burden all of this.<P>Good luck....post and read often, it really helps.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I gave her a letter that explains I am letting her go and will be there if she needs me. I feel better already and less pressure to pursue her anymore. Time to move on. I am sure pain will always be there but The last 36 hrsish I feel really good. Wishing to look ahead not behind and still willing to take her back! Wow! Never thought it would feel like this or I would have done it weeks ago. Suggest that others try this appoarch. thanks to all of you that have wrote you have helped a lot and I will continue to update hoping to help others as well as myself.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by scarlet pumpernickle:<BR><B>pdm,<P>I'm sorry to hear this. I found myself in the same boat as you (sorta) 3 months ago. My W confessed to a EA/PA that lasted 3+ months. Although she ended the A and confessed, it didnt' end there. She too 'loved' OM, it appears to have been a very deep EA that progressed to PA.<P>Our situation was very familiar, just not as obvious. 3 days after d-day I was fortunate to find this site and I read all I could. I learned about emotional needs (EN) and how they are vital to any marriage. Without any help from my W, I discovered on my own which needs I wasn't meeting. When I went to W with this, she confirmed it. I immediatley did some soul searching and dug deep to correct these short comings, more importantly, I made sure that they wern't acts of desperation, they had to be permanent.<P>After a little talking, we discovered that OM is the exact oppisite of me, he had all the EN's I didn't, the only diffrence is that W didn't know she was missing anything from me or our marraige. She said to the OM during the whole A that she couldn't understand why she was doing this, she loved me and was very happily married. After gathering all this info, it made sense. She was lacking EN's OM was filling, it sounds text book actually according to this site. I was fortunate that she still loved me, I used that as my foundation and ran with it. I have to say that I was very skeptical at first about this whole thing, but I had nothing to loose. I went for it and Plan A'd my butt of. I'm happy to say that not only are we surviving, but we are growing stronger, more loving and I am becoming a better person because of it.<P>You have to provide a safe, loving and caring environment for her. As hard as it will be, you can't have any disrespectful judgements or make any selfish demands. You have to Plan A, Plan A, Plan A....meet those needs the best you can. You will have to alter your personality and change some of your habits, but it's just so rewarding to have your WS respond to your "self improvement". The more she repsonds, the more you're willing to do it. It can not be fake or short term, it will have to be permanant. <P>It's sad to say that I believe that an EA is more devestating that a PA (for me anyways). Sex is sex, but emotions run deep and much longer. <P>You need patience, love and one hell of a shoulder to burden all of this.<P>Good luck....post and read often, it really helps.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

This weekend she flys to see him. She is searching to find herself and who she is. They will meet and yes I know they will have sex. She is my best friend and dispite the jealous and hurt feelings I have and will have I will be there for her no matter what. She will either want him, want me, or still be confused, want neither of us. The last two will be hardest on her. I truly wish her happiness. We will always be linked through our kids and families. I am truly at peace with this now. Yes I do hope see wants me back and we can work on the rest of our lives, but I am a realist and that scenario is very slim at best. I hope she will except my love as is and we both will be happy. I times I wonder why I have chosen this path but it's not as difficult has I thought it would be. I will still go to my shrink and talk to my friends and family about my feelings and keep myself focused on the future.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by pdm:<BR><B>This weekend she flys to see him. She is searching to find herself and who she is. They will meet and yes I know they will have sex. She is my best friend and dispite the jealous and hurt feelings I have and will have I will be there for her no matter what. She will either want him, want me, or still be confused, want neither of us. The last two will be hardest on her. I truly wish her happiness. We will always be linked through our kids and families. I am truly at peace with this now. Yes I do hope see wants me back and we can work on the rest of our lives, but I am a realist and that scenario is very slim at best. I hope she will except my love as is and we both will be happy. I times I wonder why I have chosen this path but it's not as difficult has I thought it would be. I will still go to my shrink and talk to my friends and family about my feelings and keep myself focused on the future.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>