My husband and I have been working on rebuilding our marriage since I learned of his affair. D-day was May 3, 2001, affair lasted four months. The problem is he is keeping things from me, he says because he doesn't want to hurt me any more. I have told him that if he really wants to keep our marriage together he has to be honest with me. The ow is still paging him and having her family call him, he doesn't return the calls or speak to her, but still I need to know. How do I get him to understand that by keeping things from me he hurts me more than if he told me. He feels quilty because I don't sleep well or eat (I have lost about 15 pounds and I wasn't heavy to begin with). How can I get him to understand that the reason I am having these problems are because I am scared of what I will find out. If he was just honest with me and told me things right away maybe I would feel better. He doesn't seem to understand when I tell him that we have to show the ow that we are a couple united so she will leave us alone. He has told me over and over again that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. He has told the ow that its over and that he is still in love with me. Any advise on how to deal with these issues would be more then welcome. I still wonder if I need to tell the ow to get lost, I have never met her but I do have her phone #. So far I have only spoken to her when she called our home the day after he ended the affair, and then only to say he didn't want to speak to her. There are times I would love to just tell her off but I'm not sure if thats the way to go. I just want her out of our lives so we can repair the damage this affair has done and make our marriage whole again.

Hi marie,<P>Getting H talk about the A may not be easy. My d-day was March 25th. For about a week after, we talked about the A, some possible causes, where we were going to go from there some small details...then it ended. From that moment 3 months ago until now, we don't discuss it. Is this the best thing to do? I don't know. I know this, during that time, it was all I thought about 24-7. I obsessed about it night and day, the whole time not letting my W know about my private obsession. I follwed the advice of this site and used Plan A to the best of my ability.<P>If your H really wants to work on the marriage, introduce him to this site and let him know about Plan A, EN's etc. Give him and yourself a working understanding about A's and how they happen and more importantley, how to survive it (it can be done). He is in his fog and feels guilty about what he did. Eventually, he WILL come around and slowly talk about it. My W clammed up all this time until last Friday where she finally, out of the blue let me in a little. It wasn't much, but enough to show me that she trusted me to open up a bit.<P>This is long coming. I've provided an environment that was loving, caring and safe for her. If you provide this to your WS, the will see this and as the fog clears, you may be suprised. Please read all you can on this site and Plan A the best you can.<P>Good luck<BR><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com