A "perfect" 13 years together. One 3 year old and 9 mo. pregnant with second. Great house and life. For several months now 36 year old H says "he's confused about life, and admits an early mid-life crisis". I suspect infidelity, and snoop but find no hard facts. Three days ago he confessed to kissing a co-worker months ago.<P>I am devastated. He says it was "nothing" she broke it off but he admits he doesn't know where it might have gone had she not. He says he loves me, I love him passionately we both say we are best friends to each other, we make love, talk, and say I love you. The past three days have been hell. I have found writings and songs he wrote relevant to her and he says they are old news. He said it “never went any where” and that “they were more journal writings than anything, just thoughts” . BUT if you read them your eyebrow would go up... He says let's work on it and go to therapy. He says the fling is not “the problem” it was an affect if his problems, his overall confusion and un-happiness that he can’t pin point. I also found he was tracking down an old girlfriend via email, which he was in search of “coincidentally” one month after the fling failed. He has a track record of keeping in touch with old GF’s and “says” he wasn’t searching for more companionship. He is already in therapy himself. He says he told me because he knew I suspected something and since there was nothing he wanted to clear the air.<P>He is sleeping an eating better now and seems like life couldn’t be better than ever. I’m a wreck. He’s going on like nothing happened... but he has been very understanding to my screaming and crying at him and is willing to talk. If he says he loves me how can I believe him if he says he doesn’t know where it would have “gone” had she not broke it off?<P>It doesn't seem to sound that bad but I am DEVASTATED. I still have fun with him and can co-exist but can't get it off of my mind!!!<P>Advice please!!!

You had a perfect 13 years. My wife was and is also perfect except she had an affair while being totally in love with me. The affair also meant nothing to her. I also was totally devastated. After 4 months I am feeling less devastated because I still see that the marriage can be very good. But it is next to impossible to get the thought of your spouse hugging and kissing some other person out of your mind. It's very good your husband at least wants to talk about it. Yelling and screamming is natural but sure can't help anything now. So you have to live with the pain for now and slowly the pain will get less and less. I doubt you can forget this but other issues will become more important over time. If 13 years were good and your husband wants to make an effort then the marriage can be good. Right now he seems to brush it off like it was nothing. Obviously by your reaction he should know that it deeply hurt you. But the wayward/betraying spouses just don't feel the things we do becaue it didn't happen to them. My wife was also 36. Maybe it is a last fling they figure before setelling down to phase two of the marriage. There seems to be little logic that is acceptable to explain these affairs. Now I can ask my wife any question I want but I really can't find any good question and there is no really good answer that will explain it all away. It's just a bad thing that was done to you and to me. It was a big thoughtless mistake. In your case the wife was not being thought about. If I was you I would ask "were you thinking of me when you were having sex or kissing this other woman?" The answer could be yes or no and ether answer is not satisfactory. It doesn't seem to help whatever they they say.

Roger,<P>Thank you for your reply. I can not tell you how your words have helped me. I do not feel so alone with someone that seems to have such a similar situation as I do.<P>I hope to get to 4 months. <P>Thank you again!<BR>