I am a pretty new member, i posted about a week ago about finding out about H affair 2 years ago. My d-day was almost 3 months ago, however I find it hard to get by each day and still remain sane. I have been reading (and responding to some) others dilimia on the same situation and find this all so sad. How many people are out there that have been hurt and totally destroyed by the careless actions of others, I feel for each of you in pain as I know what I am going through and it makes me wonder how we all got here seeking each other for help. This may be the only place some seek help, right now it is for me, so thanks for the replies I received in the past- I really appreciate you concern and willingness to give advice. <BR>Right now I feel like I am in a dark lonely place, it takes all my energy to get myself through the day and also ensure my 4 year old is doing great, and the baby due in Jan. too. How can I possibly be able to look after the needs of the person who betrayed me? I find myself constantly thinking of the A, and my H says to live today and the future, not the past- but how can I forget what happened? How can I forget that the person I live with now thought so little of me that he felt compelled to be with another? <BR>Is anyone else going through the feelings of wanting to move on, but not being able to let go of the hurt and pain and now it is absolutely tearing me apart inside....<BR>please send you thougts and advice- they are greatly appreciated.<BR>Also, I never told my parents of the A, only one sister... anyway why do I feel guilty for this and not able to share?<BR>thanks

Your feelings are normal and what you experienced is unfortunately very common too it seems. If you think your husband is still a worthwhile person then with time the pain will die down for sure. You won't forget it. There is no good logic or satisfactory explanation for why the cheating spouses did what they did. I was newly married and my wife cheated on me while the whole time saying she loved me 100%. I have went through the Cancer death of a spouse and I can tell you this feels even worse because someone did something to me. In the death case it was beyond anyone's control. Everyone can just tell you to read all the posts and give it time. I hope your husband is good from now on.

CHa I posted this in recovery. Please read it even though it may be painful. Things do get better and if he's with you now then you are on your way. It sounds like you've found out after the fact is that true??<P>Anyway here it is<P>It's been 14 weeks since DDay for me. I was looking through my journal and found something I had written. It speaks of the Pain and anguish of the BS. I know many of you are there, where I was then. This was four weeks after DDay<P>4/3/01<P>Today was ok. Work is beginning to feel normal again. Even home is feeling more normal now. I have cried every day for the last three and about three times last week. Usually while I’m driving some where with nothing to do but think.<P>That’s when the demons come, that’s when those images of betrayal come, I don’t ask for them , they just come like wretched infectious creatures full of pain and loathing, holding pictures up for me to see in front of unblinking eyes, I cannot look away. One thought leads to the next. I find myself drowning in that sea of self pity and sadness wondering why this happened; why my life went to utter sh*t. how on earth I am going to move finally past this place; this dark cold lonely place that threatens to take me over with its unyielding grief. I do not want to go to this place, I am called there. Sometimes I am dropped into the pit; a name, a date, anything that might reference the events or time line. I am shot from the cannon then, propelled toward some target of sadness and anger, fear and loathing and all I can do is cry, sob, cry out WHY! WHY! WHY! Why must I endure this? Am I to pay penance for the wrongs I have wrought? Is this some catharsis, necessary somehow? Will I be cleansed of it all one day having emptied the sadness of my life through it? Perhaps this is some maddening filter, a screen if you will. Letting the bad through and catching the good. Then when all of the traumatic memories have washed through it, through me with tears and pain, will I then be free of this? free of all of the lies and torments, free of the past, free to be happy and content. I am beginning to shut it out, to push it back. I AM strong enough for this task. It seems monumental, within my heart and mind the war wages. Trust verses hurt, love verses pain. The good shall prevail in this war, they after all have hope and kindness on their side, forgiveness waits behind the lines. ………………end<P><BR>4/5/01<P>I’m crying……………….Who is she? Do I know her? This person that cut me so deeply, that cared so little , that demeaned herself and me, who is she……………I don’t know. All that time , all that time I was trying, I was being the man I wanted to be, being honest, open vulnerable and for what? ………………………so that I could be betrayed by the one that wasn’t supposed to betray me, I opened up my heart and it was torn from my chest, and left beating and broken on the ground. So now I cry and mourn for my lost trust, my utter and complete trust that died March 5 2001…………..end<P><BR>All of you that hurt because of what has occurred Understand that now I can read what I have written as if I was reading a book. It doesn't trigger me. I don't feel that anguish any longer. My W and I are well on the road to repairing All of the bad things in our lives singly and together. I am happier now than I have ever been.<P>My point is this; It get's better if you commit and work. An added paradox is that the BS does the lion's share of the work at a time when it is most difficult for them. The WS, if you are truly fortunate, get on board early. But BS's Have to do all that is contrary to what they feel. They have to love and trust and change eventhough they feel they have been wronged. <P>BS's know that you can be at a point like this and move from it, forward to better times. It DOES happen. I am proof, my W is proof. Your marriage will not end if you don't let it (both of you). Even if it does end you will still move on and feel better. Time and love can do wonders, You truly do, in most cases get what you give.<P>I hope this post has let some of you know that the depth of your pain is normal. That there is hope. That you will prevail if you give it a chance. <P>Be gentle with eachother<P>On another note.<BR>If you are not journalling, start. When I feel discouraged or down I can look back on this chronical and realize how far I have indeed come. I can read those thoughts I had and sometimes they trigger me but it's OK. It's all part of processing things and moving past them. Sometimes the only way to share thoughts with is that journal. It is a valuable tool. <P>So journal. You can download a file utility Called All Digital Library that gives you three levels of security and is unhackable and it's free. You can just write in a notebook, I did that for a while.<P>Fred<P> <BR>

Hi. I can TOTALLY relate to these feelings. My H had what he claimed was an EA almost 6 years ago this month. Well, after much prodding on my part in counseling last night he finally admitted that it was PA. He says he lied and covered it up so that her marriage would survive? What about mine? She was my best friend and her husband is my H's friend and partner. <P>She ended up moving away, thank God. She got divorced, had only been married 6 months when this happened and we were both in their wedding. Her first marriage ended because she was sleeping with H #2. She's now pregnant and I don't think she's remarried.<P>I felt exactly like you....not telling anyone for so long. Can you believe I didn't want to hurt their reputations? Now I find out that everything I was told for so long was a total lie. Makes me look like such a fool. The weird part is, my H and her ex still spend an enormous amount of time together. I don't think he ever knew the truth either and it's killing me not to tell him.<P>It took me 2 years to rebuild trust, we were separated for 9 months. If I had known the truth, I would have never let him come back that fast. I resent our counselors for not facing this before, now I have to live the whole thing twice. Last night he acted all ticked, cold and uncaring. He's just mad that his little fantasy world has been exposed. I know it'd do me no good, but I have a burning desire to let her know I know and also tell her friends that were convinced she "did nothing wrong." Ha.<P>Last summer he started acting distant again and while we lived in the same house, it was as room mates. He finally started taking anti-depressants which has made him like a new person. I think he's been depressed for most of his life. When we first got back together in September, I told him I had to know if he had been intimate with her before I could have sex with him. He looked me right in the eye and lied. Makes me wonder what else he's lied about. <P>Yes, the pain is awful and there are so many things that will trigger your memory. I'll pray for you to have strength and serenity. Maggie Rose

First, how is your H reacting now that D-day has happened? Has he opened up and told you everything you need to know? Is he truly repentant? In my opinion, before you can forget the past, you need to have all questions answered and see something from him that shows he is deserving of your attempts to forget. I found many of the times what I "thought" happened was worse than what actually happened.<P>Second, I am 1 year out. I remember the time that I felt like you. I had to take 2 weeks off work, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I cried and cried and cried. <P>Now, we are in recovery and 1 year later, while there isn't a day I don't think about it several times I/we are happy. You need that time too-and you need your husband to do more than just say "forget it."<P>I have been on both sides of the fence-I was the original WS. My husband had a revenge affair. I know I had to prove to my H that I realized the extent of damage I had done to him and to our relationship. But I also know that I am a good person who did something really bad. I also learned through his revenge affair how badly it hurts. And how no matter what shape one's marriage is in, that an affair is never justified.<P>I guess to summarize what I am trying to say is this: I was a WS, never in a million years did I think I would be. What I did was wrong, and though it sounds convoluted, I loved my H more than anything even through it. I was "sick". I am healed, but know I have this "sickness" in me, so will never put myself in the position to have it arise again. I have shown my Husband all of this and it was only through this daily proof that he is able to "put the past behind him". As for his revenge A, I have to view it as just that and put it behind me also. If your husband is willing to do all of this-then give him a chance. I know how much I wanted one, even though I didn't deserve it. But in a way, did deserve too-does that make sense?

Dear CHa<BR>Every feeling you have described, i feel. Every question you ask, i ask. Its been just over 2 months now where i found out my H had his affair. It was only last night where i posted on my own thread the same questions you have, as yesterday was a very difficult day for me. My counsellor told me not to personalize my H reason for his A. He also told me that i have to look at putting a closure on this soon in order to move on and repair my marriage. Today is no better, though, as i find myself thinking so much about where my life is headed. I too find it difficult to find the answers to my questions. I battle with this everyday since D-DAY. I sometimes think that if my H was somewhat comforting to what im going through that maybe i wouldnt be so doubtful about how it will all end. <P>So im sorry that i dont have any advice for you, but just to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. My thoughts are with you.<P>Tears...<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 03, 2001).]

gpsman's post struck a chord with me...about looking back and realizing you have healed more than you realize:<P>At the end of last summer, I became a BS.<P>(My boyfriend had EA & possible PA with a female "friend", however I don't think PA went too far. As many of you know, I became engaged in January. My unmarried status may not make me a BS...maybe a betrayed partner. I have been here since Feb. 01).<P>On "that weekend" last year, BF, the OW and I were away holidaying with a group. I knew right away that something had happened. I was shocked. How could this happen to us? I felt disoriented, and overwhelmed. Each morning when I woke up, the issue hit my mind about 20 seconds later. I was so confused, primarily because I had felt so loved. I had thought that BF and I had strong communication. I had thought we were meeting each other's needs. Last fall was incredibly painful. Like everyone else here, I was searching for clues to define what had happened, hence my name. I had approached BF using MB principles, only to receive denials.<P>The denials, of course, put me in a rut, because the best source of the truth, BF, was not cooperating. <P>Well, I have just returned from the same yearly event. My fiance and I were with the same group, including OW. I felt so different. I felt stronger. I now have an intense familiarity with this problem. I now have MB as a source of support, along with two trusted friends, who were also on this trip with us. All in all, the trip went well.<P>Most of what I have found out has been through me overhearing conversations. I overheard a few more on the trip. There were no surprises, just mention of this one-time occurance last year.<P>When we returned home, I was surprised to discover a few things.<BR>1) I have accepted the fact that I was betrayed. It's part of my makeup now. I am stronger, and less trusting.<BR> 2) I feel supported. I have a language here and a common ground as I work through this.<BR>3) I have friends to help me. These friends are special because they want us to succeed as a couple. They are not simply telling me to leave. <BR>4) I have learned more about BF, and have had only positive behaviour since the incident.<P>So, even though I actually ended up with mor evidence this trip, I don't feel like I "just found out" anymore.<BR>I want to tell people, particularly those in a milder situation like mine, that healing does happen, and strength can build, even before you get it out in the open.<P>I am constructing a letter to my fiance addressing this entire matter. I'm scared,obviously, that the denials will continue, but I can't live in a state of oblivion forever.<P>I will still post, because that is why I am here.<BR>But I realize I have no longer "just found out".<P>Love & prayers<P>Robyn

Hello and thanks to everyone for their replies. I took some time away and went to see my parents, otherwise I would have posted a reply sooner. <BR>You words of encouragement are well appreciated. I did start a journal about 3 days after the D-Day. I helped to get the anger and pain out, but have stopped since then. It pains me to write now.... I feel like I have been here in this marriage for 10 years, giving all I can, following my H around while the military runs our lives, taking what is given to me like a good military spouse, giving up a career and putting education on hold. The last move (2 1/2 years ago) was when the A happened, man, what thanks I get for my sacrifices. I know I sound bitter, but some days I am not, I have good days and bad ones- anyone else like this? Some days, I think I can look past the hurt and betrayal and move on, but others it is right there. His actions disgust me, how could he do this? what type of man did I marry? why should I stay with someone with such low morals and self respect? How could he dare put on his military uniform everyday and face his co-workers or me or his daughter? Well, as I mentioned before, I am now 13 weeks pregnant, so I try to keep my hostilities and emotional outbursts to a minimum, we had been trying (now it seems like only I have been..) to have a child for 2 years now and in the middle of the choas we got one... makes things more complicated. <BR>My H truly wants to get past this and move on, he has been very forthcoming, although I do not trust anymore, so who is to know if he has told all? <BR>I have tried counseling- sort of- I went to the chaplain as soon as I found out and we both went later, but I am not ready for that avenue, I want to understand why, how, etc... without the religion aspect. I want to go to a therapist, but am scared to go to a woman,as I do not trust them now, and scared to go to a man as 'they' were the enemy... sounds silly now that I write it down.... <BR>I just want to feel whole again, feel like I am wanted for me, to not wake in the morning with the A on my mind, and go to sleep with it there lingering for dreams... I want to just move on with my life, but I cannot seem to get out of this rut.... must I just forget the past in order to have a future? Why does my H deserve any better treatment than he gave me? He said he was not happy so he had an A with a flight attendant while on business, so now does he think I am happy? (no, I am not considering an A too,) what makes him think he is an better than I? I am young, well educated, nice career, attractive, he did not get any better with his choice of OW. Now I try not to feel superior to the OW, but it seems to help me.... <BR>well thanks again for the replies, it is nice to know you care and are out there, but not nice to know that you are in the same pain I am in.... <BR>CHa