My friend left me 5/30/01 and has been spending an inordinate amount of time with a guy she used to work with who recently got divorced and is just a "friend".<P>First she told me that he and his wife moved to another house. Then she told me that they are going through counseling. Then the other day I asked her how long he had been divorced and she said "not long". I have been by her condo twice and both times his car was right beside hers in front. The funny thing was the first time I called her on my cell phone from the parking lot and asked her what she was doing and if she was alone, she said she was. I said, "that's funny then, I wonder why om's car is in front of your place right beside yours ?" <P>She said, "yeah, right." (She lives in a complex with a security gate - which was open) To which I replied, "yeah, the red Toyota and your porch light is on." She immediately changed her tone wanting to know what I was doing sitting in her parking lot and I wasn't coming in. <P>I said I didn't want to come in, I just drove by to see your place as I haven't been by here before. She then said she also had a female friend in, which is debateable, so I left. She then called about an hour later to see where I was - I drove back to our house and went up to the tennis courts to think - she said I really made her mad by what I just did and how can she think I am changing when I keep doing the same stuff - she didn't believe that I had never been by there before, which I hadn't.<P>Anyway, this morning about 3:30 I couldn't sleep as usual so drove by there again (I know, big mistake - don't want people to think I am stalking - just wanted to see for myself). The red Toyota was still in the same spot as of 4:00 a.m. this morning.<P>I am sure "friends" sleep with each other nowadays, right ?<BR>

anon,

A rule of thumb that a lady always lives by is that a man, other then her husband or fiance in this day and age, never spends the night at her residence. It has a tendency to give the wrong impression because no one will believe they did to sleep together. You are right to assume that they are.

If she were my spouse I would tell her something like:

“ I am aware that OM is spending the night at your apartment. Under the circumstances I have to assume that you are having a PA because I no proof otherwise. It is best that we be open and honest with each other. I wish you would do that with me. So please do not deny the obvious.”

I’d be very careful to say it in a very civil tone. Might even be better to send her a very short letter. Then she will not have to deny it to save face.

I would also contact OM’s XW to see if she can shed any light on the situation. She may know more about the past and current situation.

Some here will disagree with me on this. But I would do this and be careful that I was a cool, calm and collected as possible to lessen any love buster factor.

A problem cannot be dealt with until is sees the light of day.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

I'm afraid that if I confront her with it or go by the om's ex-wife house then that will ruin any chance I have of getting back with her.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by anon:<BR><B>I'm afraid that if I confront her with it or go by the om's ex-wife house then that will ruin any chance I have of getting back with her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Zorweb makes a good point.... I was in a similar situation. It is best to confront your W with what you know and seems to be obvious. She is not really thinking about you right now...just herself..."The Taker". She will probably deny anything you say because you don't have proof of PA.... except the car in the drvie. Very delicately approach this matter with her in a caring way with no hostility in your voice... to me... in person is better... letters have a way of leaving emmotion to interpretation of the reader and may be viewed in a bad way.<P>When I confronted my W... indirectly....throwing hints that I knew something... hoping she would come clean... I never told her what I knew until I had contacted OM....BAD MOVE on my part in hind-sight. Confront W with all you have in a loving way... it will be very painful and awkward, but show nothing but love.<P>My W and I are in recovery now.... thanks to God....He is our strength and things are going great... there is hope.......God bless.<BR><P>------------------<BR>IMSorry.....now IMHappy (In Recovery..Thanks to God)

Anon, I also was involved with an Om. Right under my H's nose in our house. I can't believe I did that. It was quite physical but I wouldn't allow consummation. <P>H confronted and I vehemently denied. H wanted to believe me as he always could trust me before this. At one point, I tried to "let him know" (as tho he could read my mind) that I felt we needed marriage counseling. He laughed at me. I was so devestated and in my fog I thought: OH My God, he wants me in this A! <P>Your wife is in fog and in denial. You are her H. You have a right to confront but I agree it should be delicate. Something that happened to me and another now-divorced friend of H's and mine was that we wanted our spouses to fight for us...to tell us to stop it and come back to our M.<P>I don't know if your W is there or not. But do it anyway. Don't let her go without a fight (not physical, of course) Be really careful about OM's XW and try not to drive by--it's hard not to get paranoid but you will only punish yourself more. You are hurting enough without going to see what's happening. <P>I think you should have come in her house when she asked why you weren't coming in. You would have called her bluff. But you can't "what if" about that, now.<P>Make sure you are getting lots of rest, support, keep posting and reading. And know that we are here for you.

Ps, Anon, I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to say Congrats to IMSorry who is now IMHappy. Way to go!!<P>It's a long road but worth the journey, eh? <P>I felt so happy I almost cried when I read your signature!