]right now i am going thru pain i could never have imagined. i had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and left to England to seek support from my family as i was devastated. Upon my return, i found out my husband had been having a four month affair and had invited this woman down from Seattle to be with him whilst i was in England. We hadn't even been married for one year. He spent every penny we have in the bank on her. Meantime, we are two months behind in the rent, cable cut off, telephone and I am up to my ears in debt. (all on my credit cards of course, he had none) He told her he was single without any children (we have an 8 month old son) he not only denied me, he called me for everything to her. I am a citizen here and he told her he is staying with me until he gets his green card. AFter i had a mountain of hard evidence of the affair, he confessed and he then called her in front of me to tell her the affair was over and wanted nothing else to do with her. She really is a sweet person who had no idea he was married. He told her once he had his green card from me, they would build a life together in Seattle with her daughter. Meantime, he doesn't even look or touch our own son. She too is devasted as he charmed her too with exactly the same words he used on me - verbatim.<BR>To add insult to injury (like it couldn't get any worse) he was on the gay chat lines downloading men's pictures. Not only am i devasted by what this man has done to me, i am in acute fear that i may have contracted a disease from this man. Obviously, AIDS being my worst fear.<BR>When I first met him, he was sleeping on a sofa without a penny to his name. He was also a raging alcoholic. Today, he is in a job that pays him 100k a year. This is the thanks i get for supporting him emotionally and financially when he was down and out.<BR>I too cannot go on and am on anti-depressants, sedatives, etc. The pain in unbearable every waking moment and i do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have no money and nowhere to go with my son and have to stay under the same roof as the man who has completely destroyed my life. To add insult to injury, he is constantly trying to have sex with me every night. I have literally thrown up in front of him at the thought of this.<P>Can anyone advise me of any resource centers for woman in my plight. I know this man can become violent when he drinks.<P>My hair is falling out in clumps and I cannot eat without throwing up and cannot sleep without the aid of pills.<P>Where does one go from here????<P>Update: my husband stayed out all night and called me from a hotel (in Beverly HIlls no less) something inside me told me to go to the hotel. I went upstairs and had a maid let me in. I found a pair of boxers (my husband wears briefs) next to the bed along with sex toys and lubrication. I know this is quite graphic, sorry. he denied anything happended and actually told me the guy took a shower there. by the way, i know this guy too. I always had a niggling suspicion that this may be the case, but to actually see the evidence has sent me over the top. he says it all has to do with the drink. obviously, there is no way we will be staying together. in one month an affair with a man and a woman. what next??<P>I have already lost so much weight from his affair 3 weeks ago, and now this. i am already on antidepressants and sedatives. <P>please, please, please, help me and give me any advice. I have a 9 month old baby to after, no family here and am thinking crazy thoughts.<P>please help me<P>

OK Destroyed....<P>First thing is first.....<P>Open the phone book.....I take it you are in CA. Look to the section for women's/family shelters. You need to call and get yourself into one as soon as you can. I mean NOW!<P>Second...call all of your credit card companies and explain to them that your husband is abusing the cards and that you need to cancel them and have cards issued that only YOU can use.<P>Third...if there is money in the bank that you can get too, you need to draw you out some to live off of for awhile. I maight even go so far as to draw out all your accounts and open your own in another bank. He is just wasting it anyway and if he really is making 100K, then he will not be long without.<P>You are in the middle of a major crisis here and you absolutely have to get out of this situation now. Find a safe place and catch your breath.<P>YOUR CHILD AND YOURSELF ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS NOW!<P>The fact that he has done this with someone else is very telling. He is in major need of help.<P>Also, please remember, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! HE CHOSE TO DO THIS!<P>You are not crazy and you do not need to think crazy thoughts! Remember that baby of yours....He needs his mom and if you do something crazy...guess who gets him....<P>Do not give up on the meds! They do serve a useful purpose. We are here for you. I am going to go to the general questions forum and repost a short synopsis of your crisis and I know that there are those that are living near you that can give you advice right now. Go there in a few minutes and see.<P>We do care<BR>Fred<BR>

D:<P>From your previous post, I recall that you own the house. Is that correct? If so, check with an attorney about getting a restraining order to keep him out. By him trying to enforce sexual acts on you, combined with his sexual behavior, this could possibly constitute a threatening and harmful act. Different areas have different laws regarding this, so please check.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

OOOOOOO STL<P>I was not up to speed...if she owns the house, then she can do that! Not only is it a threateing and harmful act, in many states, it becomes assault or even rape!<P>Don't I feel dumb. <BR>

If at all possible please check in here often and post just to let us know you are ok and are reading the responses.

Since we cannot see you, we are not sure if you are alright. Please just post a word or two if that is all you can do.

By the way, one of the quickest ways to find a good shelter is to call the police and explain your situtation. Besure you explain that he has been forcing sex on you and the posibilty of AIDS. The police will send someone to your home post haste to help you. If you need to go the a schelter they will make the arrangements and transport you and your child. One advantage of this is that they will be able be there incase your husband walks in as you are trying to leave. If he did it could turn into a dangerous situation for you.

So just pick up the phone now and call the police. They will take care of the details. In your mental state you will probably find it too hard to follow through.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Here is some info on shelters...the website is:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.lalabor.com/material/shsa/assault_and_rape_crisis_counseling_centers.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.lalabor.com/material/shsa/assault_and_rape_crisis_counseling_centers.html</A> <P>Avance Human Services, Inc. Los Angeles 323-526-5819 <BR>323-526-5822 800-585-6231 <BR>Battered Women & Children's Shelter: "Wings" <BR>800-540-4000 <BR>Bilingual Shelter for Victims of Domestic Violence 323-268-7564<P>800-548-2722 <BR>Center Against Abusive Behavior (Abusive Behavior Classes) 626-308-8345 <BR>Center Against Sexual Assault Hemet 909-652-8300 <BR>909-652-0944<P>(Spanish) <BR>Center for Community Solutions San Diego 619-272-5777 ext. 18 619-272-5361 619-272-1767 <BR>Name City Phone Fax Crisis <BR>Center for the Asian-Pacific Family, Inc. (emergency shelter; transition shelter) Los Angeles 213-653-4045<P>213-653-4042 213-653-7913 800-339-3940 <BR>Central Los Angeles Rape Hotline 213-626-3393 <BR>Community Service Programs, Inc. North Orange County Irvine 714-756-0677 949-752-7210 949-957-2737<P>(Spanish) <BR>Covenant House National hotline for homeless and runaway youth 800-999-9999 <BR>Community Service Programs, Inc. South Orange County Santa Ana 714-756-0677 714-752-7210 714-957-2737 <BR>East Los Angeles Sexual Assault Center 888-NOT-2_LATE <BR>East Los Angeles Sexual Assault and Battering Hotline 800-585-6231 <BR>Escondido Youth Encounter Escondido 760-747-6281 760-747-1635 760-747-6281<P>(Spanish) <BR>Harvest of Wellness/SA Services Indio 760-568-9071 <BR>760-347-0595 <P>760-568-9071<P>(Spanish) <BR>Long Beach Sexual Assault Crisis Agency Long Beach <BR>562-494-5046 562-597-2002 <BR>Los Angeles: California Hospital Medical Center (Sexual Assault Response Team Program) 1401 S. Grand Avenue (just North of Venice Blvd.)<P>Downtown Los Angeles 213- 742-5519 213-742-5519 <BR>Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women (www.lacaaw.org) <P>213-955-9090 (office) 213-955-9093 310-392-8381<P>213-626-3393<P>626-793-3385<P>(ASL; Spanish) <BR>Los Angeles County Rape and Battering Hotline <BR>310-392-8381<P>(Spanish) <BR>LACAAW-Hollywood LA/Hollywood 213-462-1281 213-462-8435 <BR>310-392-8381<P>(Spanish) <BR>LACAAW- Mid San Fernando Valley 818-787-4778 <BR>LACAAW-West San Gabriel Valley 626-585-9166 626-585-0447 626-793-3385<P>(Spanish) <BR>Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Crisis Line <BR>213-381-5111<P>310-391-1253<P>(Limited Spanish) <BR>Morongo Basin RCC-HOW<P>(e-mail: HOW@cci-29palms.com) Joshua Tree 760-366-1393 760-366-0181 800-954-8044 <BR>Project Sister SA Crisis Services, Inc.<P>(www.projectsister.org) Claremont 909-623-1619 909-622-8389 909-626-4357 <BR>Project Safehouse (shelter for battered women and children) 619-267-8023 <BR>Rape & Battered Womens Hotline, San Diego San Diego <BR>619-233-3088 <BR>Rape Treatment Center, Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center Santa Monica 310-319-4503 310-319-4809 310-319-4000 <BR>Rape Crisis Hotline, Santa Ana Santa Ana 714-836-7400 <BR>Rape Crisis Line El Centro 619-352-7273 <BR>Rape Crisis Center Riverside 909-686-7273 <BR>Rape Hotline of Long Beach Long Beach 310-597-2002 <BR>Rape and Battered Women's Information Hotline: Project Sister 909-626-4357<P>626-966-4155 <BR>Rape Treatment Center, Santa Monica Santa Monica <BR>310-319-4000 <BR>Riverside Area Rape Crisis Center Riverside 909-686-7273 909-686-0839 <BR>Rosa Parks Sexual Assault Crisis Center Los Angeles 213-751-9245 213-751-9384 213-295-HOPE <BR>San Bernadino Sexual Assault Services San Bernadino <BR>909-885-8884 909-383-8478 800-656-4673<P>(Spanish; Filipino) <BR>Sexual Assault Crisis Agency Long Beach 562-494-5046 <BR>562-494-1741 562-597-2002<P>(Spanish) <BR>Sexual Assault Response Services Lancaster 805-949-5566 805-723-7273<P>(Spanish) <BR>Southern CA Coalition on Battered Women Van Nuys <BR>818-787-0072 818-787-0073 1-800-978-3600<P>greater L.A.:<P>1-800-842-8467<P>national:<P>1-800-799-7233 <BR>Su Casa Women's Shelter, Artesia Artesia 562-402-4888<P>(Spanish) <BR>Sure Helpline Center El Centro 760-352-7873 760-352-7875 760-352-7273<P>(Spanish; hearing impaired) <BR>UCLA Rape Services Consultants At The Women's Resource Ctr. 310-206-8240 <BR>Valley Trauma Center, CSU Northridge Northridge <BR>818-772-0196 818-772-0521 818-886-0453<P>(Spanish, Russian) <BR>Victims Assistance Program Manhattan Beach 310-545-4950<P>(police dep't answering machine) <BR>Victims Center Gardena 310-366-7122 <BR>Victims Center Panorama City 818-902-0075 <BR>Wings: Battered Women and Children Shelter Los Angeles (Valley) 818-967-0658 <P>Name City Phone Fax Crisis <BR>Westside After-Hours Psychiatric Mobile Team West Los Angeles 310-929-4288 <BR>West San Gabriel Valley Rape Hotline 626-793-3385 <BR>YWCA of Greater LA/Compton Sexual Assault Crisis Program Compton 310-763-9995 310-763-9590 <BR>YWCA Rape Hotline, Pasadena Pasadena 626-793-3385<P>(Spanish) <BR>Victim Witness Assistance Program Costa Mesa <BR>714-957-2737 <P>Alternatives (Los Angeles and elsewhere):<P>Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN). "RAINN is a 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week national hotline for victims of sexual assault. The <BR>toll-free hotline is:<P>1-800-656-HOPE [4673]<P><BR>RAINN is being provided as a service for victims who cannot reach a rape crisis center through a local telephone call, as well as for those who might not know that a local center exists. RAINN is a non-profit organization located in Washington, D.C. RAINN was founded thanks to generous grants from Atlantic Records and Warner Music Group." <P>National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE [7233]

hi, it's me again.<P>thanks for all your support. i really do appreciate your help and input. yesterday morning, i admitted myself into emergency in a santa monica hospital as i think the whole shock of what i had witnessed at the hotel sent me over the edge mentally. I was still trying to recover from the miscarriage and his affair with a woman from a few weeks ago. If i were reading this posting, i would not believe it as it sounds too incredible for real life. putting myself into the hospital turned out to be the best thing i could have done as someone looked after my infant and they hooked me up to an i.v. and made sure i had nutrients in my body. they also sent in people to counsel me and make sure i was no danger to myself. i stayed there for 8 hours and was looked after by so many wonderful people. they prescribed me more anti-depressants and sedatives and i feel much better today. they also advised me on what resources there are. my main concern is good childcare as i have to go back to work. even after me seeing with my own eyes the physical evidence my husband still denies anything went on and rushed to e.r. feigning the caring devoted husband/father!!!!! what an insult. <P>anyway, thanks again. i am taking this one day at a time. every day seems to be so different. never good, just varying degrees of despair. please don't forget me. your words and help are so much needed and appreciated right now.<P>by the way, we do not own a house together. we live in an apartment. one postive note in allof this is that he is back in AA which means i do not fear violence at this point as it is only when he gets drunk that he is violent.<P>my main concern now is myself and my baby.<P>God bless you all.<P>

Destroyedinside,<P>I read your story and I feel for you. <P>The best thing for you and your child is exactly what you already plan on doing. Take care of yourselves. In a lot of situations when an affair is involved, the most important thing to remember is that none of this is your fault. Although, you love your husband, you need to realize that his actions are exactly that - HIS. There are plenty of reasons why people do these things and believe it or not, he may not have ever meant to hurt you. He may have issues from his own life that he has not yet discovered. Yes, most people who have consideration for the person they love would think twice before putting their relationship in any turmoil. Some people just do not have that kind of respect for themselves to think for two people. (I hope that makes sense.) <P>I too had to deal with some type of turmoil, but soon discovered that I cannot change my husband nor can I prevent him from doing the things he does. I mearly made a choice to stay and give him the love I vowed to give him. In most cases, as I have researched this topic tremendously, people who are loved unconditionally are more likely to get over the issues that they have about themselves and in return lead healthier and happier lives. Not to say that you don't love your husband. He may be dealing with an addiction to sex that has been embedded in him at an earlier age. Most people who have affairs do not think very highly of themselves therefore they must find other ways to make themselves content or wanted. <P>I know this is getting long, so I hope some of the words in this forum will help you out some. I know it helped me a lot.<P>Peace,<BR>BJ

DI:<P>Glad to hear that you are doing better. Remember, we are here to help support you through this.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hey there;<P>Glad to here you are doing better... I hope that the info we got for you can be put away and if you ever really need it, you will know where to go. We are here for you.<P>Fred

Hey there!<P>Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing?