I know I'm two weeks new to all of this and haven't read through as much as I want in the forums but what really strikes me is the absense of the spouse or significant other who committed the affair interacting in these forums, looking for ways to rebuild the marraige/.relationship they jepordized by having the affair in the first place. I haven't seen much in the way of the affair comittal person reaching out, saying they have been unfaithful and their wife/other just found out they were having an affair. Is it me or does it appear as though it's those of us who have endured the betrayal of an affair seeking out help, ways to put the relationship back together, ways to keep the cheater and ourselves together, build a healthier relationship? In retrospect, for years I have been the one to initiate all of the counseling and therapy for the marraige and my husband with his rage and abuse issues as well. Why when I found out about the affair two weeks ago didnt' he start looking into avenues of help to stay together, or not, how to get through this emotional nightmare of the affair aftermath and what HE needs to do to get things back on track if HE wants the relationship to work. My resentment is showing, my heart aches, when "they" say they want to stay with us why do we/I seek out to others for the guidance needed? Why aren't they here spilling their gutts seeking help for the relationship because of their marriage destructive behaviors???

Hi Clouds:<P>WS are here. Many have been here for quite a while, and their insights are valuable. Perhaps a few will respond to your post. Remember that, at various stages of the A., the WS will not be committed to reviving the marriage at all. The brunt of the work does fall on the BS...but you know what? It does get better. You do heal, and you end up with tools and skils as a result. It can feel humiliating, it can feel as though they're getting everything "handed to them"...but you are the one with the strong hands.<P>Love & prayers,<P>Robyn

Hi Cloudseeker,<P>I found out about my h's internet affair in Feb. of this year. I know for me the reaching out has been as much about myself as it has been about staying together. I needed to know that I was not the only one feeling the way that I was feeling. None of my friends or family can relate to my feelings. Most of them tell me that I just have to forgive and forget. My FIL has told us that he doesn't think that I will ever get over this and in his opinion it has taken too long already. Heck with him. I fired right back at him and told him I will not let anyone tell me when to get over this. This is my healing process and only I will know when I can move on! <P>My WS is posting in General Questions II. He is reaching out to me and trying very hard to prove himself to me again. I know that he loves me but it is very difficult to let him completely in right now. I also agree with Robyn that the BS is the one that endures the most in rebuilding. I know that my WS would love to just forget about the whole mess. I can never forget. I will have to move on, but never forget. I know that I do feel better now than I did back in Feb. and March. I really didn't think I was going to make it through Feb. <P>I hope you find peace.<P>NM

My husband (ex WS) posts here. He and I are usually on the General Questions II forum.

There are many others here too.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Here!<BR>I can tell you that most are not committed to the marriage, and therefore are not looking for solutions. They (we) have already found our solution.<P>My side of this is that I WAS the one who was constantly the giver. Tried for many years to create the kind of marriage that I wanted. He knows he didnt listen to me.<BR>I became a taker, then just totally withdrew. I no longer had an interest in making our marriage stronger. I now recognize a high level of anger and resentment toward my spouse. I'm still here - trying - because I dont want to devastate my kids.<BR>

Cloudseeker,<BR>I am a WS and I am here and doing whatever I can to save my marriage. I am the one that is going to counceling and reading and reading and doing all the EN for my wife. Even though we are temporary seperated ( By her choice ) I am tying to do everything possible to save my marriage.I love her and I was the one that didn't listen to her before and didn't think that I loved her. I will admit it I was wrong in not working on my relationship before the A occured. But now I know that I was wrong. <BR> I just wanted you to know that we the WS are out here. Trying to do everything possible to save our relationships.<P>Thanks,<P>MarkC

They show up eventually - after the aliens return their brains.<P>WAT

Mark C.<BR>Not to dwell on the past and if you feel uncomfortable or the question is too personal please do not answer but when your A was discovered or when you left, if you did, did you say alot of mean things to your spouse that were not trueor you later regreted?<P>Deeplyinlove

MARKC, thanks for being here, it must be hard for you, I admire what your doing.

No I didn't say any mean things to my spouse. Actually we went on a Camping trip that was planned and spent 4 days together. I plan A'ed before I knew what plan A was. I told her from the start that I was wrong in my doings and wanted us to work on our relationship. She asked me to leave and I waited a week before I left. Now in a way I am glad that I left. But on the other hand I wish I would have stayed and made US work on this. Now I feel like I am trying to save this marriage ALONE. But with God by my side I feel that it will work out.<BR> <BR>MarkC

Cloudseeker,<P>It is not hard for me to be here. Because I know what I want and I want to mend all the pain that I have caused her and make her the happiest woman alive. I want to fix our marriage and make our family a family again and make our house a Home again.<P>MarkC

cloudseeker,<P>I know what you mean, you are really hurting, yet it falls on you to give that 150% for your relationship. My d-day was in June 2000, and my H is just now starting to turn around. I am just now, starting to quit thinking about the BITC*. My H says he does not want to read anything here - that's okay - that is his choice.<P>hang in there on your pain, hurt, etc. I still have it too. hugs, aftershock

Cloudseeker...<P>I, like Mark, am a weak spouse. I guess I have been neglectful in not coming back to the Just Found Out forum lately, as I have been spending more time in Gen Questions, and Recovery, but there are many WS here. One of the problems with this all is timing...Most WS are still in the fog and see no need for this. They are still justifying their A, and blaming the BS for *making* them have the A. One by one, some find their way here and we try to help them as much as we can with our experiences. Many are too embarrassed and dont believe that they will find support, since their own guilt is so strong, they believe everyone will shun them. <P>But never fear...the brain aliens have beamed up and we do stand strong!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart