D-Day was May 7th. The amazing thing is that the whole thing was over in December (so I am told). OW refused to accept the breakup and continued email contact. That is how I found out. At first H told me that it was only EA but I found out later while on a family business trip there was kissing and hand holding which to me constitutes PA. In the meantime OW continued to write emails saying, "You said you would never end this in an email." But H had tried to end it on the phone and OW talked him into cutting it off slowly. Finally after a few emails, I called OW and left a message on her voicemail. This brought on a barrage of emails including the ones that they exchanged when things got hot and heavy. H had already changed his email after he tried to break it off at first. Then she not only found that but our PO address. She checks our website every couple of days. That's how she found the new address the first time. We are on our second changed email. She now has my cell phone and H won't carry his pager for fear she may try to page.<P>He has really tried to break it off and make it up. I am still recovering from what I saw on some of those emails. We are afraid that if we get nasty, she will get nastier. Anybody else had to stand united against the OW? Anyone experience a less than forceful response from your spouse to make it go away. (He is in the "let's ignore her" camp.)<P>Thoughts? Ideas?

H1C:<P>Hi again. I sent you over here to read up on the "Notable Posts", "Welcome" threads---but I see that you haven't gotten a response yet (it's somewhat slower over here).<P>If you've read Harley's material (Concepts, Q&A columns, books), that's great. If you haven't, please take the time. There's a ton of great information on this site---the Harley's make all this available for free.<P>It sounds like your husband and you are in agreement on the fact that you want to work on your marriage. That's terrific---you've gotten over the biggest hurdle. One of the cornerstones to MarriageBuilder's is the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement</A>---never do anything without a mutually enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. You and your husband should use the POJA to deal with this OW---brainstorm different solutions, and negotiate together and in good faith (read Harley's book "Give and Take" for instructions how to do this) to figure out the course of action that you wish to take. By using this approach, neither one of you will be "forcing" the other to do something, and you will eliminate the risk of building resentment (and losing love) because of thoughtless behaviors.<P>If you read "Surviving an Affair", you'll know that Harley recommends that your husband write a "no-contact" letter and send it to the OW. You would have full access and approval of that letter. It should be business-like, and state that the affair was a cruel indulgence on his part, and that he is recommitting to his marriage and will not ever have contact with the OW again.<P>It's not always necessary, and if you both ignore her, she will probably eventually go away. But your husband should do his best to have "no contact" with her, and he should also follow the Rule of Honesty and let you know if he has had contact---so you won't find out via a more painful route.

Thank you for responding. I have been so tired lately (lack of sleep) that I must admit I have been trying the quick fixes. I will make time to read up on those places instead of just skimming through. I guess because my goal has been to get past this, I haven't wanted to invest too much time in going over it again and again.<P>We did have a long talk this morning about ignoring it and I even decided to dump my homepage altoghter, (she keeps visiting and I am sure it she is waiting to repost our new email address) so that I don't even have to keep checking statistics. I spoke to him about the fact that I felt like he was trying to be too nice and he said he had tried everything else before D-Day. That was the last time he made contact and that was on a message machine.<P>I am taking a trip next week back to the area and he is staying home. He doesn't want to go anywhere near where she lives (another state).<P>Thanks again for responding. I no longer feel lost and alone. :-)<P>H1C<BR>

I'm there. My H says she'll be moving out of the neighborhood in a month just hang in there. Well it's been a month and a half, she's still around. My oldest son rides up the street and she flags him down to ask him questions. She stands outside with in veiw of our home (wearing revealing clothing). I think that she is just trying to get to me. It was working, but Plan A is in action and my H is responding to me. Since I began on this website we have grow a lot as a couple again. He has become very open with me. And my theory is that if we don't fight then our son will not have anything negative to say. And if we display affection in our yard while she is observing (which is almost always) she will finally get the hint. Please don't take my words as stone. This is only my way of dealing with her.

Hi,<BR>Love your UserName. I know what you're going through with OW. It is almost 3 years since D-Day for us and other woman still finds time to lurk. Sometimes she will go to great lengths to get noticed. She is probably trying to get a rise out of you. Sadly, it usually worked when our OW tried it. I would get mad at H and doubt his committment. He had to defend himself. The old feelings of mistrust come back. Your hurt is still new. Try your best to stand your ground. Don't get on her level. She sounds like she wants confrontation. Don't give her one. Has your H sent a no contact letter? My H was in that "let's not do anything" frame of mind. In the meantime you get madder and madder. She keeps trying to throw a wrench into your healing. She will get the message eventually but you need to be tough. As long as there is nothing left of the A then there is nothing left to say...So don't speak to her even if you want to. Ignore her. Show her how patient you are by not getting your feathers ruffled and that will probably get to her more.<P>viva<P><BR>

Here is an update....<P><BR>I had to go out of town last week and wouldn't you know it, she called at 4:45 a.m. to say that she is dying with a brain tumor. I just couldn't believe it. H called me the next a.m. and filled me in. He told her that although it was sad, she was still to never call him again and that he wasn't going to be there for her. She said that she was afraid she would die and he wouldn't know it and he said that he was actually relieved. He felt guilty that he didn't feel bad but this OW has put us through so much crap. I was so proud of him. He told me the other night that he wanted me to have full access to his computer so that there wasn't even a chance of getting anything from anyone without me knowing it. Plan A has been amazing and such a great help. We are planning to fill out our surveys soon but we chose to do a list of ten things that each of us do to show how we love eachother and ten things that would say "I love You" to each of us. It was a real eye opener and has already started to make a difference. We even have a new love song for eachother and even though it includes a pet name that he used for her in one of his emails, I chose to get over it and know that I am the love of his life.<P>For the one whose OW lives on the same street, I would keep up the public displays of affection! I would also have H tell her in a note that she has no business contacting your son! (JMHO) I wish you the best! Plan A is a lifesaver!<P>I just wanted to report the good progress we are making. Wishing you all well... <P><BR>H1C<p>[This message has been edited by his1stchoice (edited July 20, 2001).]

This is an interesting idea...what to do when H. is committed to your M., but there is "someone who won't go away". Or even if your spouse has not had PA, maybe heavy flirting...and suddenly the cat is out of the bag and you have a lurker. If the person is interfering with your lives, you can take action. But if the person is doing nothing illegal or threatening, how can you discourage them from persuing your spouse? What signals can you send?