hope i get some help on this. found out wife has still been seeing other man day before our anniversary . she was supposed to have had no contact since may. goofy way i found out was counting her tampons. a friend told her that she uses them after she has sex with her husband to catch the drips. she told me , thats when i started counting hers. like i said the day before our anniversary i counted hers and came up one short. she saw that i was mad about something and asked me why i was mad. i asked her where the tampon was and she said it was in her purse. i said go get it . when she came back it was a different one than the one that was missing. started packing my things to go away for a while . she stopped me and said lets go talk .so we did. at first she said that she used one to catch some girl stuff that sometimes drips out . i said baloney try again . then she told me that she met with the om and had sex. we talked for quit a while then went to sleep. next day we wrote a no contact letter and sent it. she had the address because she said she used to send him letters. theres still more but i have to go . any questions please reply. anyway , please let me know what you think about telling his wife. we have 4 boys and i think he has 3 kids . our first marriage , his second .

screwylouie,

I believe that you should tell his wife. She needs to know what is going on in her life so that she can make her own choices.

You might want to buy her the book "Surviving An Affiar" and give it to her when you tell her.

Just in case you did not see the welcome thread i've included a link to it here.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html

I am sorry that you need this site but welcome, you have come to the right place.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

thanks for the reply . my wife saw the reply and question. she said she wasn't mad . but i think it bothered her. that i would consider doing that . i told her that i just wanted some advice since we are doing this recovery on our own . our minister is the last person we saw and the last time we spoke with him last sept. she told us both that she wasn't having sex with him . then i find out day before our aniv. that she has been having sex with him for about a year and a half. off and on .she doesn't want to see our minister again . so i respected her request. how much do i trust her . not much . but i'm trying to believe her when she says she not seeing him . should i ask her to keep the kids with her at all time or is that a love buster- selfish demand and disrespectful judgement. i'm in a daze . some good days -like when i know that the kids are with her . some bad days like when i know she has free time. how long do i expect to have to ask her to do these things for me . i know her pretty well and i dont think she'd be happy doing that even fgor the sake of our marriage. i just don't know what to do . so i ask for help from GOD and from you here as well thanks for listening

SL - you may want to read my thread on GQ II, "On informing OP's Spouse of Affair."<P>WAT

thanks for some good feedback.<BR>i think most of you were right in that the telling the other spouse should come from ws. should i place a call to him myself and give him a couple of days to tell his wife and have her call me to let me know that she's been told. is that to much to ask. <BR>in case your wondering , no one knows about this except he she and i. thats why i think i have to call him . i dont know if its a good idea to have my wife talk to him what do you think.

by the way , the only reason i have thought about and asked you all questions about this is to prevent anything from happening in the future and to get help from the other side. help to protect my marriage and family.

Of course the WS SHOULD be telling his/her spouse, but I don't think we can expect this to occur just because we ask. We should expect NOTHING from the OP - why should we? Do you think they're going to be honorable?<P>I'd bypass the OP and go directly to the OP's spouse. Asking the OP to do this first at the risk of you doing it gives him/her the opportunity to come up with an alibi or a way to demonize you as crazy. Do not underestimate the lengths the WSs will go through to keep their fantasy under wraps.<P>WAT

thanks wat, thats pretty reasonable to believe that the om would do something like that.<BR>now.......... should i try to explain to my wife what i 'm thinking about doing and risk a huge lb or do i call om wife first then tell my wife and risk still another lb.<BR>i can only hope that my wife would understand my motives behind all this. would she stay or leave or should i not worry about it and play my hand and deal with the results later. thanks again for the help .

Well as much as it might seem like a good idea in giving the OP a time limited ultimatum to disclose his or her deeds to their spouse, it will only give them time to concoct a story to cover their own a$$. We're not talking about folks who consider honesty a cherished virtue here. Try this tale that the OP might spin.<BR>***************<BR>Dear wife, I know this woman from xxxxxx and she has a lot of problems in her marriage. She once told me that her husband is a _________________ (pick one or more: Drug user, alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy, sexual predator, suicidal). A few weeks ago she said that her husband was crazy jealous thinking she was having an affair. I really was just trying to be nice by listening but not get involved, but yesterday this lunatic called me and threatened me thinking I was sleeping with his wife. He said he was going to contract you if I didn’t break it off. There's nothing to break off so I don’t think anything we could do anything to make him go away. I'm really worried about you, who knows what this guy could do. Has he tried to harass you? I don’t know what we should do other than maybe get a restraining order or have the police talk to him. I can’t believe that this is happening to us, I was just being nice to someone who seemed like the needed someone to talk to.<BR>*************<BR>If she doesn't know anything then whom will she believe? The person she has trusted her life with or the drug using, alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy, suicidal, sexual predator that just called her. <P>If you feel she must know then do it directly. But even then expect that a similar tale will be told.<P>I'm telling you this from experience because I was made out to be an alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy husband after the fact. What's even more amazing is the OMs wife told me that this was the OMs second affair that she knew of and I sent her emails that I found on the wife's computer. Hard core evidence. <P>The OM did eventually come clean about the 1st 6 months of the affair. (the point I contacted his wife). Amazingly enough blamed me for causing it because he was just trying to be the night in shining armor to help a friend and got too close. Then he continued to carry on with my wife for at least another 6 months, claiming to be a better man and had learned his lesson. <P>I've often contemplated letting OP wife know about the latter six months, but what would I be accomplishing? So the best I can tell you is this is a high risk/low success maneuver. Might even drive your wife farther away. You know they seem to get real upset about the concept that we are meddling in their private life and all.<BR>

SL - Hi Infidelity has a very valid point. This is far from a one-size-fits-all situation. <P>It's impossible for any of us to know from a distance what the best choice for you is. I recommend you do one of two things:<P>1. nothing - don't tell OM's wife and don't threaten either OM or your W that you may tell her.<P>2. tell OM's wife directly without any prior discussion about it with your W or OM.<P>If you choose #2, it WILL be a huge LB if your W finds out. This will always be the case and you have to balance the cost/benefit.<P>Remember this if nothing else - don't assume you're dealing with rational people. What makes sense to you will be gibberish to your wife and OM.<P>WAT

thanks, you all have given some great advice. i still dont know if ill do anything but you have made some very valid points for and against for me to consider.<BR> i just wish they-ws's- could understand some of the reasoning behind all this. if there was any way possible to let the om wife know with out hurting her or their family i would do it in a heart beat. but i know ther isn't. maybe hi-fi has agood point about it possibly being his second or third A and his wife would say thats it your gone. then that would leave him room to really go after my wife. <BR>extremely scary stuff to deal with ,anyway thanks again for the input both for and against.

As a BS, I would want to know, I don't care who told me. If I was this OP spouse, I would hope that if someone knew, especially someone else who was also being betrayed and hurt, I would want them to tell me. How awful it would feel to find out later, know that others knew and didn't tell me. <P>I know your own marriage is your primary concern, but perhaps if you let the OP spouse know, they will also try working on their marriage and help take the OP out of the picture.<P>Maybe you could do it anonymously???<P>

i would hope that the ws could tell the bs about the A but as some of you have stated that they are not in their right minds. how humiliating it would be for anyone to find out from another person that is not directly involved . having that person tell you that they have seen your spouse picking up or being picked up by the op and decided to follow them just to see where they were going , only to have them tell you that they saw them going back to your house or to a motel . if you hade no idea in the first place you may not believe them but if you had suspected something was up , how completely awful that would be to here from someone . thanks again for the replies on this subject . still willing to hear anything else. thanks

well i did it i called the om wife. then told my wife what i did. she is really upset with me for doing that. i explained that i did it because i wanted to protect my marriage and she said i did it to hurt om and his wife ,that it was purely selfish of me . well if its selfish of me to want to protect my marriage and my family then so be it ,i'll be selfish in that respect. i told her that i'm sorry that shes mad at me but not siorry for what i did. she said i'd be sorry later . i dont think so. i'm glad its out . i slept better the last 2 nights.

I think that you absolutely did the correct thing. You are safe guarding your marriage. First, it is correct to let the OM's spouse know what was going on. Second, the chances are great that the OM will do anything to safeguard his marriage now which will mean he will be less inclined to risk anything with your wife in the future. Thirdly your wife is upset because this more than likely is the end of the affair now and in the future.<BR>I congratulate you on your resolve.