The trust issue is like a cement block strapped to my feet. My H also said he was stupid, didn't know how he could have had an affair in the first place, it was all just a mistake, he will never do it again, just like he swore he would never have an affair and was and would always be faithful. My anger has taken me through the "why do I have to do all the salvage work in the marraige when it was him that had the affair", and why am I scurrying around seeking out help, support and such to rebuild the marraige and once again do the work of both he and I. I don't have the answer to that one. I don't know if I will ever trust him again, I don't see the marraige survivng if I can't trust him but I have to keep reminding myself it's his responsibilty to earn the trust back and only time will tell if H will step up to the plate on this one.

. My anger has taken me through the "why do I have to do all the salvage work in the marraige when it was him that had the affair", and why am I scurrying around seeking out help, support and such to rebuild the marraige and once <P><BR>This is my problem right now too. It this common? He is the one that cheated but it seems like I have to do all the work to rebuild. That doesn;t seem fair. He was the one who broke the wedding vows.

My brother was married for 17 years, his wife had several affairs, he always sought the help to rebuild the marriage, he believed in the marriage, she insisted she wanted the life long committment yet never took the initiative to get help, or follow through on what counseling my brother did establish. He stayed in counseling for himself, they divorced two years ago. My brother has a pursuasive argument that the one who broke the vows and cheated has to do double time in repairing the marraige, and if they don't take the initiate and follow through on their own accord in counseling or recovery of some sort, there is no hope the marriage will become healthy and last, the reasons behind the infidelity won't be dealt with or changed, the cycle will continue. The more I read, the more I talk with others in the same situation has made me a believer. My husband and I are confirmed Catholic's, married in the faith, raising our children in the faith. When my husband had his affair he broke every vow and standing conviction of the church and continued taking communion knowing he had committed adultery, a mortal sin calling for excamunication from the church. I am by no means a bible thumper, I swear like a trip hammer at times, but I have been raised in the church and mortal sins are etched in my mind calling for immediate intervention by our parish preist. Within two days of learning my husband had the affair I gave him the ultimatum, if he wants the marriage to be rebuilt, he must contact our preist. That was on June 14, 2001. He hasn't contacted our preist or mentioned it. Another issue was athe physical and other abuse against me. This was also a part of the original ultimatum's, get back into anger management therapy. He hasn't done that either. What does this tell me?

Boy, I certainly agree on this. My H had a PA (which he lied about and said was only EA) almost 6 years ago with my best friend (should I say former?) Anyway, I just found out about the physical part 2 weeks ago and it hurts like I can't describe. All the lying, manipulating, etc. on BOTH of their parts. It surely is a double betrayal.<P>I told my H, "You did the crime, but I'm doing the time." While I still love him and want our marriage to work, I often ask myself why I am the one losing sleep and weight, having no interest or energy for anything, even fun stuff, etc. He sits back and says it was a mistake, I feel guilty, etc. But how can I trust somebody who not only had sex with my best friend (who was also my neighbor), but lied about it when he knew I needed the truth to heal? I don't know about this trust thing. And having to forgive is sure hard too. I read the other day that you'll know that you've forgiven if you see the person on the street and are happy to see them. I don't imagine I will EVER be happy to see her again. She'll take no blame or guilt for what she did, has turned it into my fault somehow. Very sad. <P>I will keep working at it as I know it's worth it in the end. Good luck!