I have been reading these boards for a week. <BR>This really sucks!!!!!!!!<BR>I had NO idea somany people were having so many problems. <P>I'll tell my sad story. <P>I'm 33 H 32 married 6 years no kids.<P>3 months ago he went on a business trip. I had a dream he has an affair with a co-worker he went with. Right from the start it wasn't like his usual business trip he didn't call me every night like usual. <P>When he came back he acted so strange. Taking out on me all the little things that I have ever done to hurt his feelings going back 6 years ago. None of those things are that bad but they are the only things he could come up with. I maen some of the things are things I did when we were 1st married and I know they hurt him. They were out of my insucrity and immuturity. Nothing involving another person. <P>So he's back at work (we work together) and I notice he is acting strange and my 2 friends at work notice he is acting strange and won't even look them in the eyes. We all just sort figure it's maybe job stress. He just got a big promotion last year and has a lot of responsibility. I let it go for a while then I get a nagging feeling something just isn't right. I was married before and my xH is now married to my xbest friend. So I have been here before.<P>Then people at work start asking why he is out smoking with her every day. She works here too but in anotherdepartmant. <BR>She is just recovering from her 3rd divorce and is 12 years older than H. Anyway this smoking is news to me because he had been a non-smoker for a year before the trip. I guess they started smoking and hanging out on the trip. <P>H usually is ALWAYS at home or work and now he starts being gone making up lame excuses of where he is at. I have to work an extra shifts for a friend who had surgery. Usually H calls me several times a night just to say hi the calls stop. I go home on break to check up and he's gone. I never let him know I know he is gone and he acts like he was home all night. <P>One night this happens when he told me he was home so I go home and he's not there. I wait for him. I fianlly go back to work but leave messages on his cell, which he is not picking up which is unusual for him. I leave messages that I know he's not home. Another lame story.<P>Long story short this goes on and on. He assures me no affair. I'm just about to give up looking for cluse when someone at work tells me she announced to her whole staff that "I'm never getting married again I'm only going to use married men, that way I can throw them away when I'm done with them" nice vampire huh? <P>I decide to keep looking, I snag his palm computer and sure enough are her address, all her phone numbers and her birthday. I confront him not telling him what I found, so I can use it to track him down later. <P>Then it comes out he is unhappy in our marriage and thinking of maybe even divorce. This is news to me. I know we have problems but I had NO idea he felt that way. He also claims no affair. <P>A few days later I run into her in the hall totally by surprise and I say "hi, how's it going to her" I didn't mean to be nice but it was so sudden. Well the look on her shocked, guilty face I just KNEW then sometinhg was going on. <P>I go back to H's palm and her address has been erased. <P>When I get home from work at 3am I go to his computer and sure enough in a file ( I had been looking for weeks) of emails from her e-mail to his. They were encrypted but the titles were telling enough. Just thinking about them makes my stomach turn. 2 from her had the word love in them. At least none from him did. In fact from the dates the 1st time she used the word love he stopped all contact with her. The only one since then was on the day I ran into her in the hall and it didn't look like he replied. But she used the word love. Not that all this really matters.<P>I ran upstairs and woke him up demanding he come downstairs and un-encrypt them so I could read them, he didn't and it's probally best he didn't. I sent an e-mail to her from his e-mail calling her a homewrecking C U Next Thursday. Get it? <BR>I told him I was doing this as he was standing there. <BR>He wouldn't talk about it so I told him to pack his stuff and get out. As he was I realized that even if he had an affair I didn't want him to go and that I really loved him. <P>So as he was carring stuff to the car I asked him if that was what he really wanted or if he wanted to stay with me and work things out. He stayed and we talked, him telling me it wasn't what I think. He really never owned up to it. <P>That is the sad part. <P>The next few days he called me all the time to tell me he was sorry he hurt me and he really hoped we could work everything out. <P>Then he totally turned on me that I hadn't been meeting his needs all along and that is why this happened. And that maybe it's really over. This totally devistated me to the point I couldn't get out of bed.<P>On the 4th I started seeing a therapist. He won't go yet he said maybe later. Then on the 4th of July we had a nice dinner together then he was stomping around the house slamming doors, I asked what is wrong? He said he thinks it's over. So sick of it at this point I tell him call the relator and put the house up for sale. He says nothing. I go upstairs I'm hurt and mad. There is a painting I did on the bathroom door that he never really liked and always said would have to be removed if we ever sold the house. So I started sanding it off. He came up to see what I was doing and looked devistated that I was sanding it off. He said "you never really loved me anyway" and went downstairs and threw some of our pictures around. So this is now the new thing that he was never the love of my life and I never really loved him. <BR>Which is a not at all how I feel.<P>Well this is crazy I love him more than anything. I admit I guess I don't show it very well. I guess I now realize I haven't been meeting his needs for awhile now. He is no help in communicating to me this. He hasn't been meeting my needs either, but I wasn't ready to have an affair of leave him. <P>Tonight seemed better and now he just called me at work like the old days to say goodnight and I'm going to bed. <P>That is the confusing part. <P>Does he really want to stay together or not. As much as I love him it's hard to put my heart into this if I know he just wants out. That is what happened with my 1st marriage I couldn't save it no matter what. I admit I didn't love the 1st H at all like I love my current H. <P>I found the e-mails 10 days ago it has been a roller coaster ride since then. I will be going to weekly sessions with my therapist and she said maybe he will see the positive changes in me and our relationship and come in. He never said he wouldn't go just not now. <P>I'm some sort of sick way it makes me feel better to see others are going thru the same things. <P>I feel sad that anyone has to go thru this at all. <P>It's so unfair and sad........<BR>

sad&confused,m

I am sorry to hear of your problems. You have however come to the right place. Please read all of the material on this website.

I understand how you feel. D-day (day of discovery) was March 22. Like you I was devastated. Fortunately I found the book “Surviving An Affair” and this web site. They have saved my marriage. My husband, “SeenTheLight” posts here too.

You might want to check out the General Questions II Forum also. It is far more active then this one.

I would also suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love Busters" by Dr. Harley. They are sold on this website and at most bookstores. The Marriage Builder (MB) material will provide you with a road map for saving your marriage if it is at all possible.

And please keep coming to this web site. It offers so much support.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Your right, this is so hard, it's like hell on earth for me at times, the waffle rollercoaster ride, takes my entire family through it to. I wonder if the love we have for our husbands is healthy or not or is it really love or dependancy, fear of failing, fear of being alone