I'm new to this. D-Day was June 12 when he called me a few days after OW broke it off because she couldn't stand to see him come back to me every weekend. We own a company and he's on the road 90% of the time. She is a manager in one of our offices. I've been dealing with this since then while trying not to let the kids in on it. They are ages 12-17 and aren't stupid. They know somethings up but since he's usually gone anyway, it isn't unusual for him not to be here. He's been emotionally gone for the last 9 months, the length of the A. Now he's showing more affection than ever since he can face me because he's not lying anymore. He loves me and never wanted to hurt me but he's addicted to her. We turned 40 this year and OW just turned 21. So, how do I deal with the kids and this turn of events. I'm trying to have the same relationship I always have had with them. Should I be frank? Be vague? Pretend nothing's wrong? <BR>

LoveMyHusband.....being a mother (and a good one, I'm sure) you know that kids are very intune to what it happening around them. In my case, my quieter child was observing everything around her whereas her younger brother, being the social animal that he is, occupied his time with friends and other family members. If your children haven't given you any indicaton that they know that something is fishy, by all means.....don't kick a sleeping dog. But keep a keen eye out on their behavior to pick up any obvious clues. You'll know when you need to intervene. Until then, best of luck to you and your H in getting back on course.<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited July 09, 2001).]

Geezlouise,<BR> Thanks for your reply. So many things I have to learn to do now. The support is appreciated. <BR>LMH<BR><P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

I too have been wondering what to do about the kids. Mine are 14 and 16 and don't act like they know anything yet. My D Day was May 30th. My husband also travels during the week so the kids don't see or hear too much. My husband has also become very distant, but for us it has been a lot longer. He has been working over 60 hours a week for years now. It took a major toll on our marriage. I became very self sufficient and both I and the kids no longer needed him. I feel this had a lot to do with his affair. <P>Now that it is out in the open, I am trying to repair the damage. (whether he wants it or not) The main thing that seems to be helping is that I have quit making all of the decisions where the kids are concerned. I am subtely pushing them to communicate with their father and am having him communicate with them. He is sending them emails when he is away and we are trying to have more family time when he is home. (even though family time can be a LB when you have 2 teenagers involved.) Anyway, I think he is now starting to feel a little needed again. I know I would feel awful if I thought noone in my family needed or cared about me. Good Luck and God Bless

LMH, How are you doing? I am basically in the same position as you right now, so I know how tough these first few weeks can be. Do you have a friend or counselor that you can talk to? I have one friend that I can talk to and it helps a lot. Reading posts here and in GQ11 helps too, because then I realize that I am not the only one going through this. About your kids, I wouldn't talk to them right now. You and your H are still so confused right now that there isn't much you can say to the kids. That is of course, unless they ask. THen you have to talk to them. <P>I am having one of my bad and hopeless days right now. I wish I could tell when I woke up what kind of day it was going to be. Bad day, don't get up. Good day, get up and get things done. Wouldn't that be nice? Charliegirl

Dear Charliegirl,<BR> It sounds like we have similar circumstances. Sometimes I feel in such panic, like I'll never be able to pull this off. It helps to not be alone. I have a friend I was beginning to talk about it but she had to leave for Europe for over a month. Then one day when I just couldn't go on for one more minute, I called my mom. Thank God I did. She has been wonderful. I really don't want anyone knowing about the A but my mom said she and Dad had it figured out months ago. <BR> My H has been on a camping trip with our oldest son's scout troop. They are roughing it so we have been out of communication. That is hard because I don't know what he's thinking. OW has given him something I haven't so I wonder who he's missing now. I'm glad he's with our son, a truly wonderful kid. I am planning on traveling with him for the next few weeks. We have friends and family who will help with the kids. I really need to help him with no contact because the A has to be completely over before we can go on a Retrovaille weekend. Maybe this will be like a 3 week vacation, except for working 10-12 hour days. You see, OW works for our company. While I was home raising the kids by myself, OW was working with him. What an idiot I am!<BR> I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Charliegirl. I just got a copy of SAA, and right now am hopeful. (The down times are really bad.) Hang in there. It is hard to go through the motions but laundry stops for no one. God Bless. LMH<P><P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Hi LMH, I'm glad to hear your husband is with your son. I guess I feel like the more time they spend with the kids the more they will realize what they will be missing if they leave. Maybe I'm wrong, but it gives me hope. My husband has been out of town for 7 days now. He comes back tonight. It has been a very hard week. He insists there has been no contact but I just don't know whether to believe him or not. It's very hard to trust right now. <P> It's good you're going to spend a few weeks alone together. When I found out about my husbands EA with his "first love" we were about to go on a week vacation in the Bahamas with the kids. I think that really helped with the no contact etc... I have also travelled with him whenever I can. This has been our first week apart since D Day. He has grown very distant on the phone at times this week. He says work is really rough right now. I hope thats all it is. Good Luck on your trip. Take the SAA book with you and whenever you get frustrated reread parts of it. That is what I do and it really helps. I hope we all can get through this. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. CharlieGirl

Charliegirl,<BR> I'm cautiously optimistic. I found out that he's already told OW no contact and she doesn't want contact either. She begins a 2 week vacation where she will discern whether she can still work for us but the writing is on the wall. I can't be the bad guy by firing her. I think she knows what's right to do because, through our office manager, she said that she is sorry and expressed concern for me. I know it isn't about keeping her job. I think that because she is so young it has been a traumatic experience for her. She's afraid I hate her. I don't hate. I have been praying for her through this whole thing. God's grace and mercy are so great. I will offer my prayers this week for you and your H. In unity and solidarity with you, through pain and triumph. God bless you. LMH<BR><P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

LMH, It sounds like things are going really well for you. I'm glad. Everything is going fine here also. My husband and the OW have had no contact since the day he sent the no contact note. She called that day, but nothing since. My husband says she feels truly bad over the whole thing too and expressed remorse. Luckily it never turned into a PA. I too, am going away with my husband, but only for 1 week. I really think it helps alot. Just remember to Plan A all you can, and don't get too discouraged. Mine is working pretty well, but my husband still doesn't think we ever had that "special something" that he felt with OW. He is also having a lot of trouble showing affection. These two things together make me very upset, but I know he really did care before (whether he remembers or not). I think he is still in the fog and/or withdrawal right now. I have to be patient and I'm not very good at that. Let me know how things went when you get back. I'll be praying for you both. Charliegirl<BR>

Dear Charliegirl,<BR> Thanks once again for the encouragement. My H and son will be home about 6:30 tonight and I am very nervous. I have learned a lot about my relationship and marriage in general. I hope I am ready for this. A was EA/PA so I am kind of scared about those things. I want to read him all of his letters to me but it might be an LB so I will just be there for him. Have a great week. I'll pray for you also.<P>To Zorweb, <BR> It is good to hear from someone farther along in recovery. I will show him SAA. Maybe he will read it. He is not a reluctant learner and I think he wants to love me that way. I'm holding on to that. <BR>LMH<P><P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Dear Charliegirl,<BR> Well, back to square one. He heard from OW and now he is caught again wanting her. While there was no contact he seemed to be hanging in there. Now he's about ready to tell me he's leaving me. I've been with him all the time but not strong enough I guess. And I don't think he wants me having access to his e-mail and voice mail. <BR> Bad day.<BR>LMH<P><P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12