I posted the other day about sex during separation and found the responses helpful. I need help now trying to figure out if we have a chance to get back together or if he does not want to upset me before Christmas.<BR>Heres what H has been saying.<BR> If I ask he says he loves me but does not what to live with me or be married right now.<BR> Does not want to be anytype of relationship with anyone but if he did it would probably be with me.<BR> We could possible date in the future if I did not pressure him to get back together.<BR> I also told him that we should have tried to get away by ourselves when he came back for a month.(H left the second time because he could not make a 100% commitment to me) He said that maybe we might(theres alot of waffling there)get away in the future.<BR> He also said he has too much going on to know what he wants. He is trying to get a new business going and they are 50,000 in the red. I am also thinking he may be having a midlife crises because he turns 40 next week ,hes very vain, and he keeps talking about his blood pressure. He also told me he had an anxiety attack last week and he has never had one of those.<BR> Another statment he made was maybe he should just be alone, maybe he was not ment to be married.<BR> H tells me I am beautiful,smart and the best person he knows.<P> I know this is long but I am so confused, hurt and angry,I cant keep my mid on anything and I cry all the time. My friends are not supportive because they say I am such a good person, why do I want him back. Another problem I have is I think I LB all the time, how do I keep the hurt inside. I f I am such a good person why did he leave.

Hi faythe-<P>I'm not sure what you meant when you said "I think I LB all the time, how do I keep the hurt inside?" If you meant you love bust all the time, the answer is you don't keep the hurt inside. You follow the rule of honesty, and be honest with your H about your feelings, but you also follow the rule of protection, and express your feelings in a non-hurtful way. <P>It's possible your husband has a mental illness, especially if he's been experiencing anxiety attacks. Is he willing to go to counseling? Review Plan A, and visit this site a lot, especially the forum - you'll find lots of supportive friends here!<BR>

Faythe, first things first, welcome to this sight! If you ever need someone who is understanding of your need for reconciliation and realization of true life it is here. We try to help as best we can but we also suggest counselling and reading-READ READ READ-can't stress that enough! Dr. Harley has some excellent books out there and there are some understanding people here. <BR>I know your in a financial strap right now and life is really had but I will tell you counselling does wonders. Sometimes you can find some counsellors that take things on a sliding fee scale. Try to impress upon your H that you feel your both in a state of confusion and if for nothing better than the children should seek counselling to strenghthen your communication skills and help you deal with the children that are involved in this family as well.<BR>BREATHE~ I kept forgetting after I found out about my H and this is really calming thing to do~deep breaths help you think correctly and give you time to formulate your thoughts.<BR>Tell him you think the two of you are worth some extra help right now, that you care enough to work things out and maybe even mention this site to him, there are couples on here and it helps them I think.<BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

We went to counseling when we got back together. In fact thats why he left the second time. The counseler told him if he would not give up his rental house and meke a commitment to our marriage then it was not fair to me and he should move back out so I could go on with my life, living with me was giving me false hope. <BR> I think he is suffering from depression but he will not go to the Dr because he doesn't have insurance. He also has a problem with his anger too. he will say anything just to hurt when he is angry.<BR> I seem to love bust all the time because he sends me mixed messages all the time -like what I stated in my first post and he is so selfish, he doesnt think of meeting my needs at all. He said he knows it is all his falt and I am great buy why doesn't he show me he cares in some way.

More opinions please. Need hope.

Faythe, my H has said the exact same things to me. He loves me, doesn't want to be married, I'm beautiful, a great wife, he needed to be alone, he needed space to think, etc. But he continued to be involved with the OW, even if it was just phone calls, and they do work for the same organzation. And the affair has flaired up at least twice since the first break-up, co-inciding with 2 of our separations. Other times, she might just have been unavailable because she likes men and is never without at least one. <P>Are you sure about no OW?<P>In any case, you can't expect him to start meeting your needs when he is telling you he isn't committed and doesn't want to live with you. You can't control his behavior, all you can control is you.<P>Your main choices:<BR>1. Plan A. No lovebusters, that means no angry outbursts, no selfish demands, no thoughtless decisions, no (? forgot the word) jugdments. This is unconditional love. You don't expect to get anything back. It is a gift to him. The Harley plan usually says about 6 months in Plan A.<P>2. Tough love. Also known as Plan B. You don't see him/communicate until he is able to commit to the marriage. It saves on the drain to your lovebank, no more mixed messages, because you aren't communicating at all. It is for you, when you cannot stop the lovebusters (but you should learn how not to lovebust), not to manipulate him into coming home.<P>Guilt and remorse do take a terrible toll and I see some of what my H has told me in what you are saying about your H. He may not feel he deserves you because you are so good, because you have stayed true and committed. Again, Plan A will help convince him that he is worthy of forgiveness.<P>Forgiveness will help you manage your bitterness, anger, and hurt. The thing is, when you are separated, just waking up alone sometimes wounds you, going through your day without him hurts. My counselor reccommends that I forgive my H every single day. I don't even have to tell my H, because the forgiveness is to heal me.<P>My H is also depressed. He refused meds for about 10 months. Used them sporadically for another 5 months and has now seen that he needs them (still hates them) and has been taking them about 6 weeks. I went on Paxil in August and highly recommend it if you are unable to control your emotions.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>