I'm not married yet, but I was engaged to him. I just found out that he cheated on me for the second time. I don't know what to do, because I really do love him. I can't see myself with anyone else. Everyone keeps telling me to just drop him, but I really believe he is the one. I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

Chris,

There is a lot of information of this site that can help you. I’ve included links here to two threads that I think will get you started.

I can tell you from experience, having one spouse or as in our case fiancé cheat on you is one of the worst injuries you can be dealt in life. If you do want to work on your relationship, the material on this web site will provide you with a road map to recovery. It is however a very hard road to travel.

You will want to read the book “Surviving An Affair”.

WAT’s quick start guidelines for betrayed spouses.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000940.html

General Welcome.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html

One final suggestion. If you do plan to marry him, make sure that you postpone your wedding to give both of you the time needed to rebuild your relationship from the ground up.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

chris_h -<P>I will say that you should not have to go through this type of pain at the beginning of a marriage. Ditto, Zorweb, read Surviving an Affair (SAA), and His Needs, Her Needs. Your fiancee needs to make the effort too. Take it slow, I know it hurts, especially when you love someone. Suggest also, you two give Steve Harley a call. I wish we'd done some pre-marriage counseling, etc. We flew blind. I know you are in deep emotional hurt, pain, etc. My thoughts are with you, hugs, aftershock

If you really love him, you both need to go to counseling now BEFORE you get married. So it doesn't happen again. He obviously has some insecurity or something that he's trying to cover up by being with two people at once. <BR>He could also be depressed.<P>My H had an affair with my best friend almost 6 years ago. But I just found out the truth 2 weeks ago. It's an awful ordeal to face, even after all that time. People who cheat and lie about it are much more likely to cheat again.<P>If you truly love each other, he needs to prove it by committing to counseling. If not, you face a life of hurt and betrayal. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

well, I got a chance to talk to him and he says he loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. how do you fall out of love with someone? I'm so lost and hurt, but the sad thing is, I still love him and would do anything to get him back. Please help.

Be very careful who you marry. You never really know that person you marry. I would never suggest that a marriage be started when betrayal is present. You do love him. He may love you too? We just don't know. See my post's. I love my Wife very much. Now that we are married for 5+ years, I know this is the woman God meant for me. If I were to go back and act wisely, I would not marry her, but I would help her. The marriage has actually gotten in the way of my wifes recovery. She had kids and got married to cover her sins and wounds. Wayward Spouses are almost always wounded and they are always sin filled. Most of what an affair is, is separating from the woman/man you love. That is not a rational act. That is self injury. That is very sad. Love your fiance. Help him if he will accept it. This web site is good. Read your Bible.

chris_h -<P>You should postpone a wedding, but if he says I love you, but I'm not in love with you, is he saying the wedding will not take place.<P>There is a book you should read (probably several), I recommend of course SAA, and HNHN, you should also read a book by Dr. Dobson named (I think it is named) Love is not Enough? (I will check and get back), but it is a stark reality check about your behavior when the man says he's leaving - and the woman is begging him to come back, she'll do anything. Chances are if you do break up, you'll get involved with another great person, who is better, and he will try to come back, and say he really made a mistake . . . That happened to me several times - they never knew how great they had it until it was gone, then they wanted it back. Go research Dr. Dobson's books too, the book I mention above is quite incredible - a real jolt of honesty. We know you are hurting - sorry you are, when you love someone and they don't love you back (unrequited love), you didn't meet his needs. Think about a 15 yr marriage, and the husband saying "I love you, I'm just not in love with you"? Yes, that is what my H says. That is 2 daughters later, H sitting by my side every minute of the natural births. He won't make love - because he is not interested.<P>So, look at your situation, don't beg him, pull your chin up proud, say I am a great person, any guy would be lucky to have me. Get indifferent to him, start going out more with your friends, develop some new interests (I know hard when you are hurting). Hope it works. hugs, aftershock

Chris_H<P> As much as it may hurt right now to find out about you BFs affairs, you must try to look at this revelation as a positive thing for you. You could have found out about his deeds and character years later and after children. At that point the stakes are much higher. <P> I would listen to your friends and call off the engagement and wedding ASAP. If he truly loves you and wants to be your husband, then he will chase you to the ends of the earth to prove it and in time you might accept his proposal again. If he doesn’t then I hate to tell you that he is not "the one". <P> I think most of us BSs here would love to have had the opportunity to know our spouse was capable of cheating before we ever married them. Much easier to move forward, no religious, financial, or children issues to deal with. Only a broken heart and some lost wedding deposits.<P> Please hold your head high with dignity and strength.<P>Good Luck. <BR>

Right now he is in ATI(his three weeks a year for reserves), and I have learned that whenever he calls his brother, who I still talk to, he asks how I am doing. He also tried calling my house, but I was at work. His grandparents say that the time apart has got him thinking about me. Right now he has a lot of problems on his mind, and instead of talking to me he is hurting me. I love him with my whole heart and hope he returns to me, but in the same breath I am scared.