About three months ago I found out that my husband had a "friend" or so he called her. I asked him to stop seeing her so we could work on what he thought was wrong with our relationship. Unfortunately he didn't break it off with her and continued to not come home nights and lie about where or who he had been with. I finally couldn't take the coming and going whenever he needed clothes or money so I filed for divorce hoping to open his eyes to what he had at home and what he was giving up even though the grass seemed greener on the other side. His "friend" is also married and has a child. I told him that I didn't think this relationship was proper for either of them and they were affecting many lives not just there own. I also filed for exclusive residence in the home so he would have to move out and when he found out about this he said he would try to work things out and stop seeing his friend. It lasted only 4 days and things were back to the same way. The next time we were due in court I let my emotions talk me into postponing the motion again. Now we are due back in court in a few days and he has finally gotten a lawyer and basically is blaming me for him having to spend the money for one. He thought we could work the divorce out among ourselves. I really don't want a divorce I still love him, but I just don't know how to make him see what he has when this other woman keeps feeding him bad thoughts about me and that it is time to get out of our marriage. Help any one?????

Welcome <B>bc</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>If at all possible... slow down the divorce... once the wheels get rolling it is hard to stop! If there is any love fr your H left... if you have an inkling of wating to save your marriage... read on...<P>This is my normal welcoming message...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! <B>If you want to save this marriage... use <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> immediately!</B><P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>I have to leave to do some shopping... but I'll be back later tonight! I'll check back on you then... Please read... use the quick links in this reply! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I have tried to slow things down by postponing twice since October. I have tried to give him time to himself to think and I am going to counseling but he won't go with me. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to at least give us some time to work on things, but he says that it is over even though he says he still loves me and will always love me. I just don't understand. I am willing to forgive him for his "friendship" and try and move forward. All I get from him is him telling me that I have pushed him away for years. No one is perfect and the last year or so has been difficult for both of us. We just built a new house (very stressful) and I am unhappy at work. I know now that maybe I was neglecting my marriage but he never communicated this to me and I don't see how I am fully to blame for his "friendship". I have read Plan A and B. I tried Plan A and no matter how much I tried to be nice and give him the things that were missing, he still stayed out nights and that tore me apart. In the last three months he has been out 40 nights. This is just too much too handle, so I guess it would be on to Plan B, which after our court appearance I am 99% sure that he will be leaving the house. I do feel guilty somewhat about this but I can not and will not continue to let him lie and cheat while still in the house like I agree with it. I wish the OW would take a step back and see what she is doing not only to my marriage and life but her own (her husband and child). Maybe I am just hoping for a miracle that isn't going to happen. I just feel that if we divorce, she will be the one he runs to.

I am only a junior member but my discovery has been over a year now<P>Try to slow down the divorce<P>Try obtaining the Book “Divorce Busting: A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying together”<P>It has some very good tips on turning people round<P>two other very good books <BR>1 Surviving An Affair<BR>2 Infidelity A Servival Guide<P>Yours <P>Tadpole<BR>

bc,<P>Many here also go to the <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>Divorce Busting</A> site... hence the recommendation of <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671797255" TARGET=_blank><B>Divorce Busting :</B> A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying Together</A> by Michele Weiner-Davis. (TFJ's recommendation)<P>This could give you a different insight... about your divorcing your H.<P>Even if you don't go to the site... or read the book... and stay purely with Harley's approach... try staying then with a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>. A very firm and hardcore <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> for a while!<P>You can't lose all your love for your H... it will make you bitter and hateful... If you really are close to it... then go for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... but maybe stop the divorce!? <P>One of the major purposes of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is to give <B>you</B> time to phase your H out of you life... a few quotes from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... thats what makes <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> back-to-back work for you. Why rush into the divorce?... If you finish <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> in 6 months... 12 months... or more... <B>then</B> divorce! The divorce process will be less painful!<P>If you are very confused... consider talking with Steve Harley... His insight is tremendous.<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 11, 1999).]

Thanks for the advice about Divorce Busters. I do want to slow the process down and try to work on our marriage. I just hope that if the judge rules in my favor for exclusive possesion of the house my husband won't be so angry that it completely pushes him away. But how can I continue to live my life not knowing if he is coming home nights. It has been three nights in a row now that he has not been home and the only conclusion I come to is that he is staying with the OW, even though he says he isn't. Trusting him is not very easy right now seeing what he has done in the past few months. With Plan B it says you are suppose to have no contact with your spouse, I hope Plan B will work even though I have legally pushed him out of the house. He would have never left on his own. Even if he does go and stay with the OW I think that time will show him what her true colors are. I doubt knowing my husband that living in an apartment in town with her and her child will be his cup of tea. He has always lived in the country and enjoys the outdoors.(hunting, 4 wheeling, and snowmobiling) She can't give him that. She also smokes and he hates that so living in that environment may wake him up quite quickly or he may hate me so much that he never comes back. He has told me that he still loves me and doesn't hate me and also that he is very wrong for what he has done and continues to tell me it is over with this OW but I can't yet believe that knowing he doesn't come home night after night. Any advice for what to do next? Tomorrow is our day in court. I am hoping that not being able to come and go at our house will make him realize what he has here.

bc,<P>If you don't want the divorce then stop it. However, since you are proceeding with the divorce and removing him from the house, expect him to leave. You are assuming that H is with OW but you said she was married and had a child. It is possible that he knows he will lose in court and has already found some place to live. It may not be with OW.<P>Finally, you have said nothing about reading the informatin on this site and that NSR has given you. One of the basic tenenants of this site is rebuilding the marriage. In order to that the person trying to get a spouse back usually uses what is called Plan A. This require that the person applying plan A have some idea what the other spouses needs are and which ones have been neglected. I sense from your post this process has not taken place. You don't know why H left or what role you may have played in getting the marriage into the state that your H decided to have an affair. That was his decision, but you had a role in the state of the marriage.<P>Please give some of these ideas some thought. I am confused about your court date. Is it just about the house or granting of the final divorce? <P>I wish you the best of luck.<P>JL

I have talked about what was missing in the marriage and have tried the Plan A trying to give him what he was missing and talking thru our problems. The unfortuante thing is he doesn't think I can change. The court date is just for the house. Also the OW is not living with her husband so I think it is very possible he might stay with her. She won't leave him alone to work thru things even though she is suppose to be a "friend". She has openly pursued him in public in front of me and some of our friends. I am very willing to try and work on things. I have been seeing a counselor but my H refuses to go. He says he doesn't have any problems but he is a heavy drinker and a bar is where he met the OW. I