I am writing this for some serious input on what I can do. I had a privite e-mail account that I didn't tell my wife about. The problem here is that I gave it to a girl at my work. My wife found it and the e-mails that this girl sent me. I did write back once but she wrote more. We have'nt slept toghether because that is not were I was wanting it to go, but I did open the wrong door. It was wrong for me to do what I did and I need help on where to go from here. Please only serious inputs. <BR>

When I found my invoices to a secret cell phone mailed to a secret P.O. box in another city in my husbands portfolio while dusting my dresser, I freaked. I called the numbers, they were calls early in the morning to another womans place of work, home, voice mail. The calls were every other day, sometimes twice a day. I never knew he had a cell phone, much less a secret P.O. box. He swears he and this woman never have had sex, they were, are just friends. Ay first he denied he had called this woman, called me every name he could, threaten to leave me, I was delirious. Last week I go on our family computer to write my husband an e-mail, thats how we are communicating these days, because a few weeks after the cell phone explosion a private investigator hired by a man suing for custody of his daughter gave me the grand news my husband had an affair with this mans wife 12 years ago and it may have restarted again 4 years ago. Anyways I go on my e-mail, see that we have received mail. The note read check this out, let me know what you think of this and a slew of wonderful porno pictures came in my face. I'm long winded here, I know, my life is complicated with a lot of different things going on, but the secret e-mail account is an invitation to major marraige discord even when there isn't a whole lot of other problems present. Apparently my husband has or had many screen names, a seperate account I could never access, which as of last week I cancelled. My 8 and 5 year old run the computer with emails daily to my brothers all over the world, they love their uncles and my brothers are always writing them. They could have come accross the porno, they have gone through enough without that being introduce at their ages. I guess the secret e-mail account bothers me, sex or no sex involved, the time spent writing this other woman takes time away from time you could spend talking with your wife. I felt incredibly betrayed by the secrets, the trust died and I can't bring it alive again. It doesn't sound as though your as deep into the other side, the complete betrayal of your wife, but secrets like the e-mail account will waken resentments in her she may never have dreamed possible. The questions she will have, not knowing what to believe and praying her worst nightmare isn't about to come true. Get gut honest now, break loose of the other woman if you want to have a survivable marraige. I'm not far into this and don't have a full handle on it, my life is trashed with all the lies and secrets but it sounds like you are still faithful in everyway to your wife. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. I plan on working on my Being open and Honist. Do you have any ideas on how I could start getting my wifes trust back? I dont want to go as far as your H did. How do I send an e-mail to Dr. Harly? I wish there was something I could say to your situation but I'm in no position to give advice. Good luck to you and Thanks.

You should tell her she should be grateful she caught you in time. She would feel a lot worse if you actually had an affair. That you are looking out is a sign of a bad marriage, but it can still be saved, certainly because you didn't have a full blown affair just yet.

Goingkey<BR>My advice for you is to be honest with your wife when she questions your actions towards this OW. But you need to be honest with yourself first and work out why you would even consider having a private email address without your wife knowing if you had no intention of sleping with the OW. Trusting you will be hard for her to do at the moment. Reassure her that you love her when she feels doubtful. Comfort her when she feels emotional, even when she is angry. You will also need to distance yourself with this OW. Maybe you can explain in person or through email to the OW of how innapropriate it was for both of you to take your working relationship to that level. Showing your wife the email you will send to the OW ceasing all contact, will help her process of trusting you again. Make sure you tell the OW that you are committed to your wife and your marriage completely. Tell your wife the same! Spend time together and dont allow yourselves to become distant from each other from this setback. Open up to your wife and discuss any problem or lack of any emotional need you may have with her. Seek counselling if you both need professional help. Read all the material on "emotional needs" from this site. You might even want to look into purchasing Dr Harleys book "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS". <P>What you did still contributed to an emotional affair and actually i find that YOU are the lucky one, that, it didnt turn physical as the consequences could have been greater and much worse for you. By this i mean your wife might have given up on you and walked away from your life altogether.<P>Unforunately i am not aware of how the process works on emailing Dr Harley. Maybe the next person to respond to your post would be more helpful on this.<P>Anyway, i hope i have been helpful somehow. Good luck and let us know how things turn out.<P>Tears

You are right about being the lucky one. I am the lucky one. My wife and I have been doing lots of talking and with the "Personal History Questionaire" we have revealed lots more about each other. She is still very angry at me of coarse but she is talking with me about her hurt. What is going to be the harest for me is expressing every singel emotion I have and when I'm feeling them. I love her too much not to give it my all. I have never been able to express myself well. Now I have to realy learn. We have even laughed at some things. I am a realist and know that it is going to take a long time and I dont "expect" to be trusted. It is still early in the game to expect too much. I really thank you for your inputs and I have her permission to revile our progress. Thanks!!!!!<BR>Goingkey

Goingkey<P>Ive been meaning to reply to your last post. I was glad to read that things are looking up for you. Its great to see that alot of communication and honesty is happening between you both which is so important in order to get past it all and move on. <P>Alot of people find it hard to express the feelings, so dont feel you are alone. Just continue to do this and you will see not only will you feel better about yourself but you will see your wife appreciate you more and understand your feelings more than you think.<P>I was just curious as to how things ended with the OW. Did you email her or confront her? Do you still work with her?<BR>Anyway is sounds like you and your wife are doing fine. So again keep it up and good luck.<P>Ps What is the "personal history questionare" and where did you obtain this as i am interested?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 22, 2001).]

Tears of sorrow;<BR> Thank you for your reply back. I have been completely open and honest with everything and my wife has really liked that very much. We have been able to talk about other issues without fighting every step of the way. If you go to the Home page of Marriage Builders you will see on the top or bottom in the red the word "Questionaires". That is were all the Marriage Builders questionaire's are. If I told you wrong let me know. As for the OW, I contacted her father and let him know that what I did indirectly effects him because it was his work computer that she was using. He supported my action in contacting him and let me know that if his daughter pursued me he would put a stop to it. I wrote the OW an e-mail and let her know point blank that there will be no further contact at all and not to contact me.(With my wife there of course.) My wife and I are working from the heart on this. It has been a long time since we have "really" worked from the heart. My wife is really an amazing person to let us come back together and be close even though she is Angry, Hurt, Untrusting, and Resentful. I am a very lucky person. It is taking lots from the heart and being completely open about what I am feeling. Being open about everything! When I can't put what I am feeling into words I look at her and tell her that "I love her" then give her a big hug. Some day I may find all the words to say what I'm feeling. We are on a good road back!<P>Goingkey