H and I have been married 2 yrs(we are both 32 no kids). <BR>H is an avid sports freak (plays baseball and golf) and I love horses. At Christmas H bought me my first horse. It was a good winter activity for me - but since we live in New England, his activities has to wait until warmer weather came. I spent a fair amount of time with the horse (4 or 5 days a week 2 hours at a time)which H didn't seem to mind. He never really complained about me being at the barn..but sometimes would make joking comments about him sending her to the glue factory <g> <P>We went about our usual activities until the weather warmed up and he started baseball. In early May, he made mention of running into an old girlfriend when he was practicing for baseball. At the time, I didn't think anything of it. Then his behavior changed. He looked angry all the time and was acting very distant towards me. <P>5/15 we were out and I asked if anything was wrong...he denied anything was wrong. I told him I was feeling very insecure, confused about his attitude changes..denial. 5/27 I went to ride;him to golf. He called me at the barn to say he got a late start golfing and wouldn't be home until late. When I got home from riding,I realized I forgot something at the barn and hit*69 and a womans answering machine picked up..I hung up and hit redial again..this time she picked up and I said Gee I must have the wrong number. Her name came up on the caller ID, so I called information and got her address. She lives in the next town. I later asked my H about her and he said how he mentioned her to me before and I asked why is she calling you on a holiday weekend...He said she called about a friend wanting to play golf with him. I could tell something was not right. We got in a fight because he felt I was accusing him of cheating. I thought he was contemplating it because of his behavior change.<BR>(How dare I accuse him?!) The fight lasted several days because I was in tears. I could tell something was up. Because of my "accusation" he said his feelings had changed for me and wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. He said there was no one else. <P>In the meantime, I tried to be the "1950's" wife - having dinner ready, housework done etc. to no avail. I leased out my horse to someone - so I'd be home more for H.(I wasn't even riding at all...I became so depressed that if I looked at her I would cry) My H was staying out at all hours, not leaving notes or calling, picking fights with me...telling me he wanted to work on the marriage, then not wanting to work on it...I love you...I don't love you... etc. I did not dare ask him where he had been..or he'd lose it. The vasilation back and forth was maddening. I would throw up in the morning, not get anything done at work. I thought I was losing my mind. Lost 20 lbs, which I did not need to do. My dr. put me on paxil which really helped. I've been seeing a cousilor. Any time I'd mention counsiling to my H, he'd explode, saying I was pushing him and he didn't want to talk. <P>I let it go for a while..keeping my eyes opened. I accessed his cell phone bill and saw he had been talking to her since the beginning of May. I kept copies of the bill and just observed. I kept a record of what he did during the week and matched it against the bill and found patterns. Then on 6/16 he took off with no note. Hours past and I knew something was up. I drove by her house and his car was in her driveway. Freaked out, I took a picture as proof. He called later that evening like nothing was wrong. I asked how his day was, what he did etc. He said he played basketball all day. I casually asked what else he did...he said "oh nothing else" LIAR! Well I kept my mouth shut..knowing he'd make up some lame excuse..but I did pick a fight with him that evening and asked him to leave. I told him I can't take this back and forth non sense and maybe he should leave. He did, but came back at 4 am. <P>6/22 - Later that week he said he was sorry for the last month and wanted to work things out. I was skeptical about it seeing how this has been my life for the last month. The kicker was that I accessed his email (lucky guess on the password) and there were suggestive emails and e-greeting back and forth. She was supposed to meet and watch him play b-ball in another state over the weekend. Not knowing that I accessed his notes, I asked him if I could come that weekend and he said no...he was going out with the guys afterwards and it would be much fun (Nothing that I hadn't done during the 7 years we've been together every weekend every summer)Nothing personal, he says. We went out to eat later that night and I am ready to puke. When we got home and I asked him if he really wanted things to work out and he asked what I was talking about. I said if you want to work things out you must tell me the truth. He was playing Bill Clinton denying everything then anything physical;that he only talked to her on the phone a few times and that was it. I am ready for divorce at this point. He goes away that weekend and I did my own thing. He sent me a nasty email asking what's going on with us and that he has done nothing but talk a few times on the phone and a few emails and if I am ending this for that reason I am wrong. I caught up with him later in the day and we had it out. Again he only admited to the calls and a few emails...until I started quoting the emails and <BR>e-greetings. I let him have it! The tables have turned..he has begged my forgiveness, gone on and on about how sorry he is...how he'll never do it again etc. He says I wasn't around because of my horse and she showed him attention. He says they kissed (as if it really matters...it's all the same in my eyes). He has gone to cousiling (A few times alone and once together). He has move in with his Mom, (it's been 1 week) because I am unsure about where I want this to go and he can't take my indecision about our relationship. (Although he's not 100% on working it out either) He says he has not spoken/seen/emailed her (I checked his mail and saw nothing - won't know about calls until I see the bill)<P>I love my H, but am terrified at the prospect or, if I decide to work it out, will he do it again? I know no one can really answer this, but I am hoping for some feedback from you all. Your thoughts?<P>Thanks<BR>Dev

I just have a moment and noticed your post. I will try and get back to you this evening. <P>Hopefully others will reply, also. "See" you later....

I cannot guarantee that he will not do it again, no one can....but you can learn the Marriage Builders principles to help ensure it won't happen again. <P>Have you done the reading of this site? Concepts, etc? On this page there is a General Welcome posted by OneGoing that will help. <P>Please let me know if I can help you further, I have been a BS as well as a WS.

Dev,<BR>Sorry for all your pain..we've all been right where you are now. Over the next couple months, your feelings will go back and forth, up and down...NORMAL!!! Ok? you're not going crazy!!<BR>A crisis is the absolute wrong time to make a decision about the rest of your life. How about making a 6-9 month committment to trying to recover and really know yourself and husband, and then see how you feel about continuing the marriage.<BR>Your H has confessed, he wants to try again...you are 1-2 steps ahead of the game. Most of us started on this road while our partners were still involved.<BR>Get thee to the bookstore and find the Harley Books..After the Affair, Emotional needs, and Love Busters..read them, study them, they are your friends. )or you can order from this site..they ship 'em fast) While you're waiting, read all the articles on the site...take a walk occasionally to clear your head (it will only last a minute, but that's ok) Do some things for yourself. Whether you know it or not, your conversation with your H about not spending time together is a HUGE step towards recovery. He's voicing a need that has not been filled. Just getting a partner to talk is the subject of many posts on the Recovery board.<BR>Deep breath, take care of yourself.<BR>If you need to talk, you can find me on the Recovery Board.<BR>T