My husband has become emotionally involved with what I thought was my best friend. I caught them together in her bedroom, but he assures me “nothing” happened. It was the 20th anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him - a day I always celebrated by sending him a rose. The same kind of little signs of love and affection that I make sure to do daily.<P>He was repentant, they both were and they both said all the right things and I started trusting him again. Then after a party on the 4th of July he started calling her again, even when he was out of town. She was eager to respond. At the same time he was convincingly reassuring me that there was nothing going on, nothing for me to worry about.<P>He admitted it over the phone while I’m away from home on vacation with our 10 year old son because I knew in my gut that something was happening and I kept pushing him, not believing his lying reassurances. I’ve spent a good part of the past 3 days in angry, tearful conversations. He has hurt me so many times - told me that I was a mistake, told me he was too young when we married. He said that he thought he was missing something and went looking for it. Now he is devastated. I don’t know whether it’s because he got caught or what.<P>I am a mess emotionally and physically. I can’t sleep, I can’t work but I’m trying to hang on for my son’s sake. I’ve prayed and prayed. Over the years I’ve continued to love him no matter what, to forgive him. But the pain is so deep and so complicated. <P>Our sons are best friends and our other children expect us to do things together as a family. The kids know that he has done something to hurt me (even the 18 and 20 year olds don’t know the truth) and that he feels very badly. I am determined not to let their selfish stupidity take away a friendship that is crucial to these two boys who are each other’s support in a difficult school situation and who have been inseparable since kindergarten. <P>He will be meeting us on vacation in a few days and I’m terrified of how to handle it. I’m even more afraid of how to do it when I get home. Since I found out, my son has called his buddy twice to talk and to plan what they will do when we get home in 2 weeks. I know that I will have to continue to have contact with this woman for my son’s sake and that there will more group actitivies (probably always with other families) as well so the total sever of contact is not going to happen without devastating other people. <P>Should I believe my husband when he says that he’s finally seen that I’m what he’s been looking for all along? That he will never call her again? That he is committed to growing old with me and honoring me and doing whatever he has to for the rest of his life to convince me? That he appears desperate to really let God into his life and to make changes?<P>I’m far away from home and have nowhere to turn. I believe that he realizes how badly he’s screwed up - but I’m still reeling from it all. I resent the fact that I have the responsibility for keeping others from being hurt by his actions. I’m angry and hurt and confused and it feels like even God is nowhere to be found.<P>What should I do? How do I cope right now and when I get home?<P>

Your post sent shivers down my spine. It was exactly like our situation, even timing wise, except we have no children. My H had an affair with my best friend (also a neighbor) almost 6 years ago. All that time, they both said "nothing happened." Like a fool, I believed them. Even the EA was devastating, we were separated for 9 months. The OW, my H and her H (my H's best friend) all worked together and we could have lost our business over this.<P>I just found out 2 weeks ago that it was PA, including her being IN MY BED when I was gone. I was in her wedding as matron of honor just 6 months before this. It is easily the hardest thing I've ever dealt with because it involved the 2 people I cared the most about. It was awful to live thru, but I did wait it out. It took him about 6 months to start acting more like himself. In the meantime he said he never loved me, never had, she was smarter and prettier, etc. Now he said he remembers almost nothing and can't believe he did it. She got divorced for the 2nd time 2 years later and moved away, thank God. <P>Because of the business, my H said her H can't know. It's so hard because he's in contact with us everyday. I've been so depressed since I found out the truth (he was forced to fess up in counseling) and the other H keeps asking what's wrong. I would just love to tell him but my counselor says it's not my job. <P>My H is going to the dr. to get tested for stds. If I have something after 6 years of lies, I don't know what I'll do. I had a miscarriage last year after trying to have kids for 15 years. The dr. said my insides are so scarred, he thought I had a pelvic inflammatory disease. Of course I was stupid enough to say, "Oh that's impossible." Because I believed my H and her and have only had sex with him, I thought I was safe. I hate that he's put my health in jeopardy and felt no need to tell me.<P>Like you, I couldn't tell people. Well, at first. After a few months I thought to myself "Why am I trying to protect them?" So I told some people, including his mother. He was living with a friend then as he pursued her and I knew she'd find out. His family just basically turned the other way and pretended it wasn't happening and gave me little, if any support. Six years later, I still have a hard time being around them. Especially now that I know they DID have sex.<P>You really need to get into counseling. If your H won't go, go alone. I did and it saved my life. I also took antidepressants for a while back then. I'm on them again now to deal with the awful truth about their lies and betrayal.<P>It's going to be almost impossible for you and your H to heal unless you're both willing to work on this. And that means NO CONTACT between them at all. After my H's affair, they still worked in the same office for several months. And yes, they had been together in the office. Makes me sick to my stomach.<P>I can't sleep in my bed anymore. Figures it was a very expensive mattress set. I hate what they did and I know it's going to take a long time to get over. When I thought it was strictly emotional in nature, it took me almost 2 years to rebuild trust. NOw that he's told the truth and lied about lying several times, I don't know what it will take. He even signed a commitment to total honesty agreement at the counselor's office, and then admitted to her and I last week he was still lying. When does it stop?<P>You really must make taking care of yourself and son your first priority. Your H has to prove he is trust worthy, go to counseling and deal with the hurt he's caused. My H was in a fog over her from May-November (that I know of). It was the longest months of my life. <P>I know you can get thru this. You have your children. Hopefully you have a remorseful H who will do what it takes to rebuild trust. Please consider some medication for a short while, it will help you sleep and stop your thoughts from making you crazy. I know it surely helped me. And I hope you can get into counseling soon. Without it, it's very hard to work on anything. It stopped us from arguing back and forth.<P>Good luck, I'm praying for you. maggierose

<B>(even the 18 and 20 year olds don’t know the truth)</B><BR>They very likely know more than you do.<P><B>I am determined not to let their selfish stupidity take away a friendship that is crucial to these two boys who are each other’s support in a difficult school situation and who have been inseparable since kindergarten. </B><BR>I’m a bit confused here.<P>What “friendship is crucial?” The two boys with each other?<BR>How is your husbands affair going to affect the boys friendship?<P>Read everything on this site & post what’s going on with you.<P>Don’t make any critical decisions until you think about it <B>for a few days.</B><P>It is difficult, but you can get through it.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Imagine,<P>I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I feel like I should tell you something that happend a year ago.<P>My brother and I were talking about how life was growing up in our family. I am now 28 and he is 30. It started off with great memories and lots of smiles and laughs. Then before we knew it we were both talking about an affair that my father had when I was 16 and he was 18. It was so weird...to think that he knew as much as I did all this time and neither one of us had ever talked about it. We both felt like a huge weight was lifted off of our shoulders and we even cried. I was so confused when I was younger...in fact I remember my mom crying and a lot of arguing. But still in my mind I felt like she didn't know and that I was keeping a secret from her. My brother said he felt the same way...he did not know who to be loyal too.<P>Now that were older we know why my mom was crying...She knew, and just pretended like nothing ever happened...so that she wouldn't hurt us. But unfortunately...I think she did what she never intended to do. We went from being a very close family to not so close. It didn't happen immediately but eventually it did. <P>I do not in any way want to tell you what to do. I just would like you to know that in some cases the children do know...and need your help in understanding.<P>Techlady