I've been married about 2 1/2 years. I moved to Canada from the US to be with my husband. I love him dearly...however, trust is an issure that isn't easy for me. The middle of our first year I had to return to the states and we kept in touch via the phone and net. During this time he was constantly chatting with other women and even calling them. Phone bills don't lie. Our relationship has always been very loving and very effectionate, but the past 8 months things have been less then perfect. He shows attention to me, but rarely romantically. In fact, we've gone from making love nearly daily to a few times a month..sometimes not at all. I have asked him if I could do something to bring more excitement to our lives or maybe we should go on a special romantic weekend, but he just says it's him and not to push him. So, I have been sitting back waiting. <BR>I'm not totally blameless here...because I have seen phone calls on our bill to areas where we have no friends, his secret and withdrawn attitude, and his lack of interest in me sexually...I wanted to find out what was going on and did something Im not very proud of. Since I set up his e-mail acct, I have checked his mail periodically. He definately is involved...not just over the net..but meeting this woman in a nearby town. Unfortunately for her, he has led her to believe he is single and looking for a long term relationship. I hold no ill feelings for her..I think she is in an equally bad position as myself.<BR>I'm afraid to confront him about it because of my 'sneaky' behavior, and yet I don't want this to go on either. I don't want to loose him. I'm not sure what to do. <BR>He says he loves only me...but obviously he just wants his cake and eat it too. <BR>Any advice would be helpful!

Classy,<P>You are not alone. This has happened to a lot of us. My h did the same thing and I found out the same way you did. I broke into his email accounts and even did some searched to find out if he had any hidden accounts (which he did...he had two others). Any way, I confronted him before it went too far. Not that the EA didn't hurt...I was very upset. But I was glad that nothing physical happened . Can you tell by the emails if they have had a physical relationship? If it doesn't sound like they have then I would confront him. My h was very shocked that he got caught but now we have been in counseling for 4 weeks and we both decided that we wanted this to work. My h didn't once say anything like why didn't you trust me or why were you going behind my back. He was so afraid of me leaving him that he didn't even ask how I got to his emails. He had no room to talk.<P>Techlady

I really want to nip it in the butt, so to speak...I don't believe this has gone further then phone calls and meetings. One big thing that bothers me is his lack of concern about not only me, his wife, but this OW..I mean, he is leading us both down a pathway blind-folded. And quite honestly, this isn't the first Woman he has gotten involved with; yet, she is the first he has actually met. He has guts! He is meeting her about 20 minutes from where we live. I have very mixed feelings because I have been living day by day knowing what is going on. I totally tense up and nearly cry when he says he has to run to *this nearby town* for business. I have suggested I go with him..and out can spout numerous reasons why I wouldnt have fun..boredom, time, weather, you name it. <BR>Im a bit scared to admit I looked at his e-mails..I did copy them..for i think more proof for myself then to shove them into his face. And, being a good tech...they are well hidden! Thanks for you advice..and I will definately think about it. I know something needs to change. )

Hi there:<P>Classy, I know you don't want to lose your H. I also know you can't condone the situation as it now stands. My opinion would be to write a letter.<BR>In the letter, I would be very clear about how much you love your h. What your expectations are, and what kind of future you want. Explain that you had to follow your gut instinct in snooping, because you felt that your marriage was threatened. Attach printouts of those e-mails.<P>He will probably be angry at first. But think about it. Do you want this behaviour to go unresolved for the rest of your lives. You need to know that either a) you are an exceptional wife, a survivor or b) if he chooses to leave, you are an exceptional wife and a survivor.<P>I wish you the very best....incidentally, can you tell me how to search for other e-mail addresses a spouse might have?

Thanks for all your advices. Robyn..I actually have been putting a letter together. I don't plan on dropping it at his feet and running..although part of me would like to, but I plan on giving it to him and sitting down to discuss it afterwards. Hopefully, things will work out. AS far as checking for e-mail addys...ppl can have those anywhere. I happened to set his up. Most ppl use the same password for all their mail..ICQ..and logins. Eventhough nicknames can vary..the passwords are the same. It's difficult to remember many passwords. Being a tech, I know how bad that can be..so have created 5 passwords which I use randomly. But more novices, don't. Don't laugh, but the most common password..is PASSWORD. Hotmail, Yahoo and Excite are the most common e-mail sites..free and discreet. You can do individual searches at these sites to locate *a friend*. AOL has the same function. People searches or people locator, people finder are the places you go to find addresses. If you know one e-mail account on the person..then you can look in their preferences in that account and see if there is a listing for a second e-mail. Having said how you can check...I want to say..I am still not proud of my actions...but if my actions have stopped him before he has gone all the way with this OW..then it was worth it. thanks again

Hey Classy,<P>How are you doing? Did you have a chance to talk to him?<P>Please don't feel ashamed for snooping around. I am very thankful that I did. I was smiling reading your thread b/c I did the same thing you did. I went into internet history and started clicking on his cookies then found an email account...figured out the password and went into his preference and looked for his alternate email address. So I tried to check that account. That password was different so I had to do a password request, which emailed it to the first email account I found. I remember being so stressed out that he would login before I could delete the email with his password. Well I'm sure I just confused the crap out of everyone...but I bet you know how I feel. <P>Hang in there...you were just trying to protect yourself and your doing a great job! Don't ever feel like your the one to blame. <P>techlady

Thanks for all your support. <BR>I did go ahead and confront my husband. Although he was very embarrassed and ashamed..he was indeed upset that I didn't trust him and had to 'snoop' into his mail. However, I told him that obviously I had reason to be suspicious. We had a unusually calm discussion about the situation ending in his promise to never speak to this OW anymore. It was the strangest discussion we have ever had. Sure, there was a lot of crying on my part and head hanging down on his part, but there was a lot of comfort in knowing it was all out in the open again. <BR>Interestingly, my most important desire was not to just end this situation with the OW, but WHY did he need to go to someone else in the first place. How can someone do such a thing to their spouse and reply...It just happened? Hmmmm. I will say that further toward the end of our conversation, he admittedly said that he wanted someone to talk to and listen to him more. It's so odd because when he comes home from working, I am always interested in what he is doing and just want to be with him. <BR>Personally..and I could be far from being right..I think he enjoys the *secret* of the situation. There is something exciting about getting away with someone you should not be doing. He said he never imagined I would find out...or it would go further with this OW then friendship..hmmm He also told me that not only was he in the wrong for cheating..but I was just as much in the wrong for not trusting him. I did, however, explain that he was being untrue to not only me, but the OW as well. My intentions were to nip it in the butt and get out relationship back on track...not go outside the relationship because the situation is changing or rougher then you expected. SOmetimes I think these partners that cheat on their spouses should consider a lifejacket...verses bailing out...it's a lot safer to float till the current is calmer then chance drowning totally. <BR>Now that I came this far..the cat it outa the bag...is there anything I should do? I am trying to make our environment better...but I must say there is going to be some time for healing and forgiving on my part. I love him even though he betrayed me and he says he loves me too...but its just like we talked..its over...and life back to usual. I do hope this isn't the calm before the storm!! <BR>Gosh...who ever said "marriage is work" was totally right.

Hey classyangel,<P>Good to hear your doing ok. You seem very strong...I know you don't feel that way...but I can tell you are. I am so glad he feels remorseful and wants your relationship to work. Don't forget though...he was very involved. Remember you said he had actually met the person. My husband wanted to do the right thing...I know he loved me. But yet he was still attached. I found more emails even after his promise to stop. I think it would be a good idea for him to either send a no contact letter (and you watch him email it) or to email her the truth about him being married and wanting to work it with his wife. <P>BTW, he has no reason to be mad b/c you snooped. He should not expect you to trust him when he is doing something wrong. There is a reason why you snooped you had a feeling he was doing this. Well, when he starts gaining back your trust then maybe he can have some privacy again. But as of right now...you need to make sure he is not still emotionally attached.<P>Techlady

ClassyAngel,<P>Good for you! You seem to be keeping your head on your shoulders. I posted a few days ago (Checking Up), wanting to know whether to inform a woman emailing my husband that he is married. In your case, I would definitely do it. <P>My problem is not knowing whether this is something innocent on her part (looking for her friend) and having to keep tabs on what my H does with the situation. I don't want to CREATE a situation where there may really not be one, but in your case, I'd let her know. I'll tell you why I think this:<P>Years ago when I was single, I started dating a man who pursued me very enthusiastically, and after four wonderful months found out he was married. Believe me, it's hard to let go after that amount of (good) times. I wish someone had told me earlier. Just a thought...<P><BR>

Classy,<BR>I never broke into my W email: I did much worse, I taped our phones. I think suspicion and jealousy on your part and lies and infadelity on his will only snowball and eventually lead to much larger problems in the future.<P>I felt guilty about my snooping, but my W understood and was actualy happy to get the A off her chest, and I was glad to know the truth even if it is painful (it has only been a month). Her A happened four years ago and the suspicions haunted me every day and this caused many problems for both of us. I feel that had I not found out now, we wouldn't have lasted another four years. You did the right thing, and if he's angry he is wrong. If you don't have anything to hide you shouldn't have any problems with your S snooping into any part of your life. I can't say what you should do now because when I got confermation of the A it was long over, but I think I would continue checking in on him. <P>I felt guilty obout recording my wife so I let her have the recorder to show I had nothing to hide. I told her she could either throw it away or keep it for another day and if she questioned what I was doing she could use It. I don't know if she kept it or not.<P>I know it is hard, I was very suspicious of my W during the A, but I wanted to believe the lies and didn't look into things further at the time. Now that I know the truth I feel like the last four years are all a big lie even though WS was faithful after the A ended four years ago. <P>Good luck, I hope everything works out. E

Thanks for all your support. It's been an interesting few days...but things seem to be working toward the better as far as our relationship is concerned. <BR>I do want to mention something that I watched on the news last evening ... There was a discussion about *snooping* on employees and spouses..checking e-mails or using a program to track the other persons steps over the net. To my suprise..An attorney stated that not only is it unethical, but illegal to do so without both parties knowing. Even found data on the your own computer is not appropriate..if your search was done with the intent to "trap" or "snoop" on your BF/GF/ or spouse. Even tapping your own personal phone and such is classified the same. I do believe in privacy, however, when a person deliberately missuses their trust or knowingly tries to start an A behind their partners back..where are our rights? This only ties our hands further and can cause in my opinion further problems. For example..until I knew for sure my fears where true, I thought it was me..i was just "dreaming' all this up..or thought perhaps I was too insecure. (note..thats what i was told repeatidly by my husband when I asked him about it or wanted to discuss my suspicions.) It wasn't till I had names, documents and times to support my conclusions. Basically, till he was 'caught red-handed" he wasn't going to fess up, but make me feel as if I was fishing in the wrong pond so to speak.<BR>In my case,,,the OW has no idea my H is married and was looking for a relationship. And as for myself, I am trying to build one with my H. I have considered telling this OW that my husband is married...but because my husband and I have discussed this already..and not wanting to open the wound a bit..I am basically sitting back. I will keep an eye out for the signs again...but i think there has to be some point where we need to trust again. <BR>Ironically I must add...not only do I know my H's e-mail..he knows mine. I have never hid anything from him or given him reason to check up on me. I don't flirt with men on the net, or chat with all sorts of guys with the intent to be anymore then friends...in fact, most guys I do know on the net are married and many I've known them over 4 or 5 years.<BR>In contrast, my H meets these women and dives right in. BTW...I know a lot of us use this to find some help and comfort talking to others in the same situation..has anyone thought of creating a room to talk..say in talkcity? or chatting on ICQ/MSM or yahoo? I know sometimes I'd just like to talk with ppl who have been there! Just a thought )