Hi RC -<P>You asked on my Guidelines post:<P>Re your guidelines:<BR>"The affair will end..."<P>does this also apply to EA? Or can EA last for years, especially whe the WS doesn't think of the EA as cheating?<P>Can a committed BS employ Plan A, etc., to refocus the WS on the marriage?<P>What do you do about a toxic person that is dangerous to your marriages, when the WS doesn't view that person as threatening the marriage?<BR>*********<BR>OK, let me try. Keep in mind I'm just another BS and others may have a different opinion.<P>"The affair will end." Based on reading a lot of material, it's pretty seldom that an affair, EA or PA, is durable very long after being exposed, but some marriages do result (the track record on those is dismal). Harley quotes very few affairs last longer than two years with most ending within 6 months. A lot are never exposed and end on their own. EAs, especially for women, can actually be worse because of the deep emotional attachment that can develop - the "soulmates."<P>It seems to be pretty common that WSs don't consider EAs to be "official" affairs. Of course, Pres. Clinton's criteria was intercourse. So, I think what you call it is just semantics. Whenever dishonesty and deception are present involving a close relationship - it's an affair requiring similar treatment.<P>Regarding Plan A. It's easy to get off on the wrong track about Plan A. The premise of Plan A is that 1) the BS contributed to the environment that made the affair possible, and 2) there is little, if anything, the BS can do to separate the affairees. Thus, Plan A is all about the BS finding and fixing the problems they brought into the marriage. By doing so, the BS improves themselves and removes the excuses the WS has for continuing the affair. So, you cannot directly "refocus" the WS on the marriage - only they can do this when they're ready. In the meantime, through Plan A, you make yourself into a better spouse than you were before so that when the affair wanes, you're set up for recovery. Please read all the material on this site about Plan A and Plan B to get a complete explanation.<P>Regarding the "toxic" person: By this, I assume you mean an OP with an addiction? It doesn't really matter. WSs usually don't consider or don't care about the marriage and they tend to be oblivious of any character faults of the OP. The BS CAN'T and SHOULDN'T do ANYTHING about the OP. The OP and the affair are out of your control. Any attempted interference usually makes it worse. Simply stated, you cannot directly affect the course of the affair. To hasten it's end, don't interfere with it.<P>Hope this helps. Remember, others may have different explanations.<P>WAT

WAT:<P>Thanks for your considered reply! I appreciate your time as my situation is not as painful as what many visitors here have experienced.<BR>-my fiance was a close friend for 6 years. During those 6 years, I was in another relationship (with an alcoholic, complete with temper). My fiance had 2 relationships with good people who were just the "wrong person", and a number of dates. <BR>-we have been a couple for 2 years. We became engaged 6 months ago. I am, for the most part thrilled.<P>-Last fall, a female friend kissed my fiance. (I think. This is all I can figure out. Despite a safe environment, my fiance denies that anything out of line happened. I have overheard enough conversations to know that it did).<P>-My fiance and I have had a number of conversations about infidelity - how each of us defines it, what we promise to each other, what we are feeling etc. I think he and I want the same things. I know that he loves me very much and is committed to our future. SO he knows how I feel about things.<P>-My feeling is that he wants to wipe the incident from his life and not hurt me by bringing it up. Of course, if he does tell me, I will then have peace. I am ready to move ahead. I don't need to get even or throw it in his face. I DO believe that he intends to honour his promises to me going forward.<P>-Since the incident, I have found no sign of a continuing affair (no absences, change of habits/clothes, moodiness, excessive happiness, notes, papers, phone bills, etc.)<P>-I have two problems:<P>ONE - myself. I can't let this go. I need the truth. I feel like Cold Squad. As my good friend Just Learning has pointed out, I also stand to lose a great guy if my feelings turn into actions. I have never obsessed over another woman, incident, person, magazines, male friends, you name it. I was Miss Easy Going until this one girl did this.<P>TWO - the girl. We know her. She is, unfortunately, part of the fabric of our lives. She is a manipulative game-player. She also has some sort of crush on fiance. People think that she is jealous of me and may want to make me uncomfortable.<P>SO - my plan is this:<P>PLAN A - as you have described WAT, a good marriage requires each of us to look within and be the best we can be. We must treat our partner the best we know how. And try to love life! <BR>Communication - We try to talk whenever possible. I hope one day my fiance will tell me more about what happened.<BR>Avoidance - I try not to involve this girl in our lives. I avoid her whenever possible. I do not give her opportunities to approach my fiance. I'm hoping she will eventually be distracted by another hapless guy that wanders into her path. My fiance sees nothing wrong with this girl. He has put any incident behind him.<P>Anyway, I'm here to learn. I'm here to try and give an assist where I can. And I value the wisdom of people such as yourself. <P>Thanks!<BR>Robyn<P>

Robyn - first, I wish you and your fiance to have a long, happy relationship.<P>Now, I am a long way from being a relationship advisor. As evidence, I can't even get my WS wife to go to counseling.<P>So, my following remarks are based on my common sense alone and should NOT be taken to the bank. OK?<P>A line of demarcation exists, in my opinion, when couples take wedding vows. You haven't done this, yet. This does not mean I think you should disavow any prior "heart felt" commitments made by your fiance. The way many define it, "infidelity" is a breach of trust, a betrayal of a relationship, a breaking of an agreement. (Pittman, "Private Lies"). But, let's face it - pre-marital conflicts are almost the norm before couples finally commit to each other. How many boyfriends did you have as a teenager? I'll bet you made some promises you later broke. (If you didn't, will you marry ME?). <P>I don't think I can fully resolve your conflict, but I understand your anxiety. To let it go requires trust in your fiance. What is your current trust based on? A kiss without betrayal is just a kiss - but a lie without a kiss can be a betrayal. By all means, talk openly with your fiance about this conflict. In all relationships, we need to weigh the significance of suspected violations. You haven't spoken the vows yet. Somewhere between perfection and total dishonesty lies everyone who approaches the alter. You can resolve these questions prior to that time through communication and openness. Please try to accomplish this.<P>From a practical matter, consider reading Harley's "His Needs/Her Needs." It may motivate you two to further understanding PRIOR to the big day.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT