Hi everyone:<P>I just found out 2 days ago that my husband and a friend of mine are having sex over their computers. I have printed out close to 100 emails already and haven't eaten but 2 shortbread cookies in those 2 days. I am so disgusted by what I have read that I actual feeling like throwing up all the time. The first night, I didn't sleep at all, my stomach churned and churned. I tried to throw up but, there is nothing to throw up. <P>He doesn't know that I know and the OW doesn't know, (nor does her H yet) Today, is day 3 and I am starting to get scared because awkwardly enough as time goes by and I hold this burden within myself it is starting to seem less hurtful. Thoughts keeping popping in my head like, "Well, that haven't done anything physical, yet" "They are just getting each other off via email" Is that normal? I am not crying hysterically like I was yesterday and the day before. Then thoughts will jump in my head like, " this is still a betrayal, it should be accepted and treated just like a real physical affair.<P>This morning I am going to a kids birthday party in which she and her children along with her H will be attending. I haven't seen her since I found out and I don't know how I will react when I see her. It will be hard to treat her as I used to because she was my friend. <P>I have to tried to find posts on this subject and have found some but, lose them when I come back to the computer. Please give me advise, I am afraid when he is eventually confronted his response will be, "It's only talk, I haven't done anything." Although, I know that is his way of justifying what he has done, I keep question how serious I should see this.<P>twinzmom

Hi.<BR>I wish that when I had found out my husband was having internet affairs I had treated them with more venom because it was just the beginning with him. If I could do it over again I would have done everything differently. What your husband is having is an affair. You said over 100 emails? And this person is a "friend" of yours? I would confront them both. Make photocopies of the emails and stash the extras in a safe place. Copy them on a disk if you can and stash that too. Who knows when or if you may need them later...Just stash copies somewhere and hang onto them for awhile. Confront confront confront! Stop it as soon as possible. If I had been stronger with my husband I know it would have never escalated as it did. My husband did not have affairs with any of his internet lovers, but he eventually graduated to sleeping with someone at work. You have every right to feel betrayed. Any activity that your husband engages in that takes his emotional energy away from you and your children is not productive to your marriage or family life. Tell him he should be looking to you for sexual satisfaction on all levels and no one else...If he has a problem with you he needs to communicate it with you ASAP and you need to deal with it together. He needs to stop looking elsewhere for whatever it is he is looking for. I know this is hard and I know exactly what you are going through. I hope you keep coming here for support. I know it has really helped me. Oh...and obviously...in my opinion...your "friend" needs to be dumped. I would confront her with your stack of emails and tell her "Obviously, we are no longer friends." I personally would add a lot to that and then probably slap her nasty disloyal booty around...but I can't actively condone violence. You would make more of an impact if you confront her in a dignified way...in total control...then turn on your heel and leave her forever to feel crappy about herself. Sorry I am rambling now and am letting my emotions get involved. Just stay strong. You never deserved this no matter what you did. Confront your husband and your "friend" and go from there. I doubt your husband will want to leave you for an internet liason so nip it in the bud now. Good luck. Everyone on the boards is here for you.

Don't let anyone tell you it's not a "real" affair. It is. I am in a similar situation but I didn't hide that I knew at all. I don't think I could've even if I'd wanted to. I agree with the last post. Confront them both and the sooner the better.<P>My husband was just starting to talk to his online OW about meeting in person. <P>

To Shattered Broken/Wrecked Sel-<P>I read your posts and thought I would maybe try to keep posting here for support. <P>Let me just answer a few of your questions. I will confront them but, I was waiting for more damaging emails, which I am hoping to get tonight. I know what you mean about confronting them before it goes too far, I am scared about that as well because I feel like once that happens I will definately be through with him. Right now, I don't feel like I should put any more energy into this relationship. We have been together 10 years, married 7 in November. We have 2 babies together and I have an 18 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. She lives with us and she is actually the one who pointed the liason out to me.<P>I know that Dr. Harley promotes the saving of marriages...I don't know if I can do this. Prior to this he has caused me so much personal pain that I just don't have the energy for sustaining this marriage. Right now the only reason I am staying with him is for my children. I love him but at the same time, I can't stand to look at him and prior to my finding out, could barely have him touch me. (Marital problems from before.) The two main issues were his jealousy of my daughter, treats her like she is his rival, and he is a momma's boy and has allowed his mother (for 10 years)to disrespect me. We were going to counseling for these issues however, it came to a point that everything was laid out on the table but, not too much changed. There were small changes. He has communicated his needs to me, I can't meet them.<P>In the state I live in there is no burden of proof in order to obtain a divorce. You can get one just for asking. I wouldn't need to prove his adulterous behavior, so I really have no need for the emails, I will hand them to him for his reading pleasure or just read them out loud to him. <P>As far as my "friend", there is no question that she will be dumped. I haven't decided how to do it yet. On July 28th, she is having a b-day party for her children. I can't attend couldn't get the day off of work but, my husband will be taking our children. Some of their emails have already eluded to what she would be wearing for him to the party. A specific type of shirt, a set of pearls and no panties.....He has said in his answer to her that it would blow his mind and other things......<P>I was thinking about leaving work for about 2 hours (they'll let me do that) and showing up unannounced to the party after it has started and saying, "Hi everyone, I just wanted to come and surprise you and my H. I know you were so broken up about me not being able to come. By the way everyone, did you know that J is having an affair with my husband. She is very fragile and I know this would simply kill her, highly embarrassing for her and my H. We know her through a common group (club). Regardless of how they are exposed I am going to email all of the group members (10 couples) and let them know just what has transpired among the two of them. I want to warn the other women of the group to watch out for her, plus I want to emotionally hurt her beyond belief. I know that when the other members of the group find out about this they will ostrisize her. I am also going to be informing her husband, but prior to either one of them being confronted. I can be very controlled in my presentation, there will be no crying or yelling. Simply a statement of the evidence. <P>Any ideas? Open for many suggestions as the choices that I available to me are endless. There are so many ways I can reveal my knowledge. I want it to knock them off their feet. <P>twinzmom

By the way, I was very nice to her at the birthday party we both attended today, but it killed me. I did much better than she did. I could also tell how uncomfortable she was feeling around me. She emailed my husband on a previous occasion about how uncomfortable she feels around me and that she feels like "a terrible person". I know this sounds gross but, I think she actually talked him into an orgasm. My daughter came home un expectedly and said he was in his underwear in front of the computer. <P>twinzmom

twinzmom,<P>I completely understand how you feel. I am glad that you can be so strong.<P>I do however have a suggestion. I think your idea about letting the group know is pretty clever (she disserves it). And I really feel like her husband ought to know about it. I don't however feel like telling everyone during her child's birthday party is a good idea. That could damage her children or yours. That is just my opinion.<P>I know you are angry...and you have all the right to be. Not only your spouse but also your friend has betrayed you. Remember you have people here for you.<P>techlady

Thanks for your thoughts. Tomorrow is the big day, I am going to crash their meeting at BK. They are meeting at 5:00 PM with my kids and hers. I am going to say only a few key words that they will recognize from their emails and then turn around and leave. I'm concerned about leaving my kids in the play facility though because I don't trust him....he might go to his mom's with them. I can tell her husband anytime. That will be just one more blow to her after I've confronted them together. She won't be able to hold it together for her party on Sunday.<P>twinzmom

Good Luck. Maybe you should just tell your kids to get in your car so you can take them with you, and then there would be no worries about where your husband would take them? Anyway...I am proud of you and totally rooting for you!

Dear twinzmom<P>As you know i am also going through a similar situation to yours. I can fully understand your hurt, betrayal and anger. I know im not really in a position to give you advise as i cant very well sort out and get past my own turmoil. But i thought id give you my opinion anyway. <P>I feel that you need to let the OW husband know first before confronting either of them. Show him your proof is a must as well. That way he can choose how his should deal with confronting his wife himself. You can then have your say with her after this event.<P>I feel that you need to confront him away from OW. On his own would be better for you so that they dont have each other side by side to support one another with the same lame excuses. Dont be at all surprised that he might deny all of what has been happening even though you have proof. My H did the same. He said it was all a game. So expect a similar reaction. <P>Continue with counselling even if you have to go on your own. You will need someone to talk to and help you give you the courage to decide on how you can get past it all. Come on MB whenever you need to. Vent as much as you need to. You will find alot of support from people who really care. <P>Most importantly look after yourself and your children. You need to be healthy for them and for yourself. I know its hard when all you feel is pain from being betrayed from the one that you love and claims to love you back. Believe me i know it well. I question it all the same way you do every day. I guess im just trying to say like someone once said to me, take one breath at a time, take one day at a time. <P>Your h will regret what he did. I hope that when he does he will be able to show you remorse, in ways that will help you heal. Only then you will be able to forgive him. I trully hope that your prayers are answered. I hope that you both find the path to survive this.<P>Take care<BR>Tears

Today is the day, I went over it and over it in my head about what to say and now this morning, checking their emails it sounds like they are going to not go to BK for fear of the kids saying something. Instead, he has asked her out to lunch, I have no idea where she works. He will be leaving his own job's training facility (i don't know where that is located) and lied to me this morning saying he has court and a deposition in the afternoon. This will definately free him up to have lunch with her. Maybe, I should tell her husband tonight so that she can be followed by him or me to wherever they are going for lunch. Of course, assuming he will handle this the way I want him. He might not. Her husband might not want to engage in a public confrontation. He hasn't had the 5 days I've had to deal with this. It will just be dumped into his lap. <P>twinzmom

I just check his email and she backed out of the BK thing. She says too many smart kids around. She must have been referring to mine ( not hers ) LOLOLOLO<P>He asked her to lunch tomorrow and has already covered his time problem with me by lying about court. She apparently is trying to tell him no only by saying she has to work on Wednesday. No other mention of the lunch but that and then she asks if he still wants to connect. I am of the impression through her various emails to him that she just wants to connect for cybersex. Based on his emails to her, I believe he is the one pushing the relationship. You know what's horrible is he is telling her that while he has sex with me he is thinking of her. Yes, I am still sleeping with him because it seems to keep me boiling about the situation. Sometimes I try to downplay the seriousness of it and having sex with him makes me simmer.....He also emails me all these comments like, I love loving you right after he has emailed her about all the nasty things he wants to do to her. <P>twinzmom

by the way, twinzmom, I assume your handle means you are the mother of twins. I am too. Mine are 16 years old now.<P>

Dear twinzmom<P>You mentioned that they plan to meet for lunch. Have they met before alone? Are you certain that they have not been physical with each other? I dont want to suggest anything, but i think you need to confront him as soon as possible. Do go and inform her husband tonight with the proof. He needs to know. <P>Take care<BR>

Hi everyone:<P>Well, today was the day. I rented a car and followed him at lunch, he didn't meet her. I think she chickened out and I still believe he was more of the pursuer. <P>I took the kids to a friends house and came in the door wearing the dress shirt, pearls and no panties (I had pants on though) and said to him "hey, I've got on the shirt, pearls and no panties, just the way you like it" and his face lit up like a light bulb. BUSTED.<P>To make a long..................story short. It's been 7 hrs and neither one of us has stopped crying. I'll post more later when I have the emotional strength.<P>Yes, I am a mother of twins.<P>twinzmom

Dear twinzmom<P>Just to let you know that my thoughts are with you. Cry as much as you both need to. We are all here if you need us.

twinzmom,<P>Just want to make sure you are doing OK. I know this is hard...hang in there! Remember, people make mistakes (that doesn't mean they don't love you).<P>techlady

Techlady, tears of sorrow, wrecked sel-image:<P>I'm doing good actually. He has thrown himself at my feet and apologized. We have cried and cried. Two days now. I am actually feeling good, but scared to trust him again. I'll write more when I have some time. Spending lots with my H these past two days.<P>Thank you all for being there for me. This board is a wonderful support for me and I always look to it for strength. I am excited about coming here always.<P>twinzmom

Good luck if patching everything up with your hubby. It is hard, but obviously he cares for you a great deal. Men seem to find it easier to run away, at least he is with you and remorseful. I am so glad you have come to these boards. I hope that you keep coming as you need to. You are very brave! Keep on keeping on.

twinzmom,<P>I agree with SBH...It's a good thing he is remorseful. He sounds a lot like my H. My H cried at my feet and that confused me a lot. I couldn't understand if he loved me as much as he said he did, then why would he need to talk to someone else online. Well, we are figuring it all out through counseling. After 4 weeks things are really looking better.<P>How are you children handling it? Keep being strong...we are proud of you!<P>techlady

Hi Guys:<P>My H just left for work, first time in two days cause we were off. I was so scared to let him go. I know that if she calls him on his cellphone that I will never know. If she is going to call him this is the perfect time cause she knows I have no access to their conversation that way. With the computer, I have it all. My H asked me to go in and delete his screenname. I did. I checked her two screennames and she or her H has deleted those. She still has the family screenname though and I cringe thinking about the times she'll be online and I'll see her. She hasn't tried to IM or email me. Her H has though and I have answered him. He forwarded the 4 emails that he sent to me to her so that she could read what I said. Which is fine. She unfortunately isn't being honest with him. I base that on what he has told me she has said. My statement to him was that I was sorry he had to be hurt by this but, from this point on he needs to leave me out of his marriage. He should ask her any further questions he has about the situation. Honestly, this guy is out in the dark. She has minimized her involvement stating that my husband was the one pushing to meet her, yet by reading her emails she was the one who started the whole thing and she is the one that went along with the initial start up. He would type something illicit and she would follow. She is just as guilty as he is but, her husband (at first) stated that he felt he has a good marriage. A 9 on a scale of 1-10. He might not feel that way anymore. I am glad for that but, really could care less what happens to their marriage.<P>First, I contacted her husband, he met me and I showed him the file. However, due to time constraints he never made it to the real illicit stuff I was saturated with. Then I confronted my H alone here in our home. I made arrangements for the babies to be gone so they wouldn't experience it. Then, after I told him I knew, I went straight to the computer and forwarded a letter to her that I had pre-written. Then, I forwarded that letter and an additional letter explaining the first letter to all of the people involved in the group (10 couples) because I was so hurt and wanted to hurt her badly. From what her husband told me, mission was accomplished. He told me she was devastated. Couldn't stop crying. In my heart I said, "Good". She deserves it. <P>The only regret I have is that her children's party is this Sunday and although I knew it would affect the amount of people who would attend once they knew, I still sent it. I wanted to hurt her emotionally and I did. Her kids aren't old enough to know that something went terribly wrong with the guest list. She will be beside herself at that party. I am not so sure she will even make it through it.<P>I thought about sending an apology to the group for getting them involved. I don't know. At first, I was met with attitudes like man, "you are vicious". Then when I actually could explain to these people the conversations my H and the OW were having they started to understand and are now expressing their feelings that they probably would have lashed out in the same way. Some of my friends are sending their H's with their children to the party cause they say they just can't look at her the same way now. <P>After a very close, tear driven two days he reluctantly went to work. We both are afraid to be apart. He said as he pulled away that he is just fearful that when he comes home tomorrow morning he will find things the same way they were between the two of us, cold and standoffish. I told him I was too. Haven't seen the counselor yet, Monday morning, by myself. I am going to spend some time on the MB website this evening trying to figure out where to go from here. We decided that we would try to salvage our marriage. I told him the only way I would agree to it would be to follow Dr. Harley's ways. He isn't the type to read or appears to even be interested in learning the concept. I bought the book, Surviving an Affair, only he won't go near it says he hates the title. <P>Very scared. I wonder too when he threw himself at my feet and begged me to not throw him out if he truly is staying because he loves me or because he doesn't want to lose his house, his kids and have to pay all that child support. In the past, he has told me how fearful he has been of that.<P>He additionally told me he wasn't going to bring his mother and father into this (at first I thought good, I don't want them involved in my marriage)especially when I think about how his mother already feels about me and will probably say I drove him to it. She protects him at all costs. On the flip side, I feel like he is getting away scott free by not admitting his transgressions to them. Should I make him tell them what he has done to our family? My H was aware within 24 hrs of this that I was willing to work on the marriage. I feel like I should have made him suffer and stew a little bit more.<P>I am also getting lots of flack from my 18 yr old daughter who feels like this is just one more way he has betrayed you Mom. She cringes when I say I am going to work on it. She feels I am letting him off scott free as well. The pressure I will get from her will make it that much harder to try and make it work with him. Mentally exhausted. <BR>I realize this is long....sorry. Wanted to get it all out. <BR>twinzmom <P>[This message has been edited by twinzmom (edited July 27, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by twinzmom (edited July 27, 2001).]