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#407446 07/25/01 05:27 PM
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I have found no other outlets or advice for my feelings so I hope one of you can help. <P>My wife and I just moved from NC to Atlanta. We are 25 and have been married for 3 years.<P>Two days ago, my wife was planning a weekend trip to go see her friends in NC, the second trip in 3 weeks. She was in our office, finding a plane fare and I walked in to get the vacuum cleaner. As I walked in, she became surprised and tried to cover up the screen so that I couldn't see what she was e-mailing. I saw the address and knew who it was. It was a man with whom she taught. They had become friends and chatted online quite often. I had often half-heartedly joked with her that I thought something might be going on. <P>Let me give you some history of the situation. After a few months of her e-mailing this man, I became suspicious. I installed "big brother" software on our computer to monitor all her IMs and e-mail messages, but I never could bring myself to actually read what was saved out of fear of knowing the truth.<P>So, finally, this past Monday night, after she had tried to conceal the e-mail message, I configured her e-mail to leave copies of messages on the server and I read them through my e-mail program. I found a message from her begging this man to meet her again during the upcoming trip and his response that he was celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary with his wife and couldn't meet.<P>I confronted her about it and she admitted to the affair. She admitted to having sex with him five times, twice in our house, twice at the school where they taught and once in a motel room during one of her trips to NC. <P>I think I could accept a one-time f**k. But, five times may be a bit hard to swallow. And to do it in our house while I was away on business! She says that it started during a period after I had been laid off and was so depressed that she felt she could not approach me with her feelings. And, this man listened to her and gave her attention. But, the affair lasted until two weeks ago, after we moved hours away and our marriage has become VERY strong. Even she admitted that.<P>Right now, she has left, at my request, and has returned to Raleigh and is staying with some very good friends of ours. I am torn between trying to forgive and forget and just saying, "Forget it. It's not worth the pain." Not only am I hurting tremendously, but I am 6 hours away from any of my friends or family. <P>Of course, she wants to try and reconcile. She called me three times today saying she was sorry. I just can't understand how she can swear that she loves me and tried to plan another rendezvous this weekend.<P>Can anyone offer any help or advice?

#407447 07/25/01 10:22 PM
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" I found a message from her begging this man to meet her again during the upcoming trip and his response that he was celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary with his wife and couldn't meet."<P>This message to her lover should tell you how much she loves you. The only good thing about this situation is that you found out early in your marriage what kind of person you married.<BR>

#407448 07/25/01 10:56 PM
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aloneawayfromhome<P>1st off I'm sorry to see you here, but it's a great place to start to try get your head together before making any big or real decisions. Read as much as you can from the principles on this site, they have helped many in your shoes. <P>2nd don't blame your self for this situation. As the reading here indicates, you played a part in creating the environment that allowed this to happen but it's not your fault that your wife responded the way that she did.<P>3rd The philosophies taught here are not the only ones out there. Several other methods exist and a few more are listed on this thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000558.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000558.html</A> <P><BR>Take a few deep breaths and try to relax. I would also suggest getting some over the counter sleeping pills to keep on hand for when you can't sleep. This next part may seem harsh so bear with me. Now is a real good time to count your blessings. Stuff like this sucks and can suck the life right out of you if your start to forget about the good things. I can even tell you about some of the good things about your wife's affair. <P>1) She readily admitted it when confronted.<BR>2) From what you know it has not gone on a long time.<BR>3) Your young and it does not sound like children are involved.<BR>4) She is showing you that she is remorseful and wants to work on staying together.<P>Many folks here would readily trade places with you just for the advantages you currently have. I know it's probably like hearing that you have cancer, just not a real bad one yet.<P>Now the not so good news. You said the affair was over 2 weeks ago. Not likely, she was planning on being with him right now if you had not found out. At best it's over now that you have found out. <P>I wasn't quite positive but it sounds like your wife works with the OM. Is that correct?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited July 25, 2001).]

#407449 07/25/01 11:37 PM
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I think that Max nailed it. The fact that she was begging<BR>to see him and get involved with the OM this coming weekend shows that her ability to lie to you continues. Most cheaters are very selfish people. I would contact the OM and the OM's wife because she has a right to know. You are very lucky in the sense that you have been married only 3 years and you do not have children. The fact that she would do this within 3 years of your marriage and admitted to having sex with this man in your home is simply too much. She showed total disrespect for you, your home and your marriage.<BR>Only you know how much you are willing to accept but I think you deserve more than this. Good luck

#407450 07/26/01 10:55 AM
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Let me clarify a few things. The affair had been going on for a few months. U think three. Also, she saw the OM two weeks ago while back in NC and I was at home in Atlanta. She wanted to go back there again this weekend and was trying to see hima again, but he would not.<P>Also, we have moved away from NC and now live 6 hours from the OM. the onyl way she can see him is if she flies there, which I would know about.<P><BR>She has been gone now for three days. I am suffering so badly right now that I walk around in a haze. it has affected my work, sleep, mood, everything. I honestly think I want to work this out. But, I wonder is it because I love her or because I am afraid of falling victim to a failed marriage and being new in Atlatna by myself. <P>One more question...I feel like I should knwo the details of the sex that they had. For some odd reason, I think that laying EVERYTHING out there, might help me cope. I don't know if this is a guy thing, but I will never know if they did something that I will never do for her. Does that make sense?

#407451 07/26/01 04:57 PM
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My advice to you is to get away for a few days to get your head together. There is no need to rush to make a decision on your marriage. Right now you are going to have all kinds of feelings running from hate to love toward your wife. Take time to analyze what you want to do.One of the question you need to ask yourself is whether you would want your wife to be the mother of your children knowing what she is capable of doing. It is not only about love it is about one's values, integrity and character. <p>[This message has been edited by max (edited July 26, 2001).]

#407452 07/26/01 05:41 PM
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aloneawayfromhome,<P>I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know the feeling of being alone. My h had an emotional affair. And I too was away from my friends and family. Luckily I caught it before it went too far.<P>I think you have some serious decisions to make. I know you keep hearing "thank goodness there are no kids" or "you haven't been married long". But that doesn't mean you're not in love with her or that it doesn't hurt as much. I know you are in a lot of pain. I think what they are trying to say is that if you stay and it happens again it would be a lot harder to get out of the marriage if there are kids involved. In fact, I love my husband...but the thought of him feeling like he could get someone better or more exciting than me...well that tares my heart out. I am a very proud person...and at times I wish I could just start all over. I know that I could find someone that would love and respect me. But I have a child...that means I have to think about her too. Anyway, my point is....Do you love her? Ask yourself and her...why she did this? Why does she want to come back to you? Sometimes I feel like my husband put up the biggest fight when it came to divorce b/c he would be embarrassed that it was his fault. He say's that it's b/c he loves me and couldn't imagine living w/o me. You have to figure out what to believe.<P>I hate to say this...but if I didn't have a child, I don't think I would have stayed. I'm new here as well...so I'll probably get blasted by the people on this forum that know what they are talking about. lol<P>techlady<BR><p>[This message has been edited by techlady (edited July 26, 2001).]

#407453 07/26/01 05:51 PM
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My wife also had an affair when we weren't even married one year. Now after 6 months the pain is still there and the mistrust is very strong. I think if I didn't have young children I would have divorced because the pain is almost too much to handle. Your wife wanting to meet this guy is very bad. You have to think very carefully if she is really worth it. She doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

#407454 07/31/01 10:15 AM
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Hi alone... <BR>I'm so sorry for your pain and the reason you are here. Your post struck a chord with me.... maybe because I'm also in my twenties, my H's affair started early in our marriage (after we had been married for only three years)and I am from GA, (living in VA now--we moved as a result of the affair) Just a little background so you know where I am coming from. We have recovered and are very happy now after 2 years of recovery. <P>With all due respect to the others who have offered their opinions, I have a different viewpoint. I also heard, "At least you found our early in your relationship, and at least you didn't have kids" That is the worst thing someone could have said to me. Finding our early in our relationship was terrible because I was still somewhat of a newlywed and I loved my H a great deal and I was still very much "in love" with him. I know it is very hard with people who have been married a long time too, but in those situations, I think the relationship may have drifted a while. (For SOME people) It is quite shocking early in the relationship, isn't it? As to the children issue, I loved my H so much that even if we broke up I felt like I wanted a child with him... something of him and us together. I know that's not rational but that is how I felt. I say all that to validate how you might be feeling. It is a very hard thing to deal with. The pain is indescribable and is like a death. It IS a death.. the death of a what you thought your relationship was and who you thought you married. <P>Now to my advice to you. You can listen to what you have read so far and move on with your life. That would be an understandable decision that many would support. Or you can try to save your marriage and work to understand what happened and why it happened and rebuild your life together. It sounds as if that is what your wife wants. You may need to take a week or two and get past this initial shock and confusion and decide if you're willing to try to salvage what is left. I promise you... I am so glad I did. I don't know you or your relationship, so I can only offer advice on what I see, but I promise you there is great joy in a restored relationship. God sees and understands your pain and I think he will bless you if you try to uphold your vows. <P>If you decide to try to save your marriage, read Surviving an Affair (available on this website) If offers great understanding into how you're feeling and what to do next. Find out WHY your wife pursued this relationship. Eliminate Lovebusters (See info on this site) Meet each other's emotional needs. (Questionaire is available on this site for free) Also very important... Agree to policy of complete honesty so she is accountable to you with all her activities. It is not being a fool and being a doormat to take her back... You still need to keep your eyes open to make sure she is not continuing the relationship, but you put effort into being the type of spouse you should be and vice-versa. It is very hard but you CAN DO IT!!! If you two work hard and put the effort into saving the relationship, you will have something that will cement you together. <BR>I'm a firm believer that hard times in relationships will either build a stronger relationship or tear you apart. You can deal with these problems early in the marriage and move on, or you can divorce and most people end up dealing with many of the same issues again unless you really change yourself. Plan A and Plan B are about changing yourself. Either way, you win. You either save your marriage with Plan A and B, or you end up a better person. <P>Keep posting, ask questions and keep us informed....There are many people on this site with experience with what you're going through, and have felt what you are feeling. They can help.<P>Best wishes, <BR>Jen

#407455 07/31/01 05:30 PM
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My heart aches for you. I know too well just how much it hurts. As far as need to know what happened, it almost drove me crazy not knowing anything. My H actually lied to me for over 5 years about his affair with my former best friend. Which means I wasn't tested for stds. I just found out the truth a month ago and it's just like it happened yesterday.<P>After much prodding in counseling, he told me the truth. The most devastating part was that they were in my bed. I haven't slept there since and can't bear to even go in there to get anything. She knew how much my house meant to me, I'd been working on remodeling it for years. <P>Some people don't want to know details. I had to know for my own peace of mind. I found out that what I imagined was often worse than the truth. I read an article called "Shattered Vows" which I found on the web, it's from Psychology Today. It talks about how people who experience trauma do need to relive it to move on. They give the example of tornados, etc. I showed it to my husband and it gave him an idea of what I need and why.<P>I don't know what's best for you. I do know my H was definitely in a fog for almost a year. He was willing to give up his marriage, his friendship with her husband, his business, his religion, his family, etc. to be with her. We were separated for 9 months. Now that I know the truth, it wasn't long enough. I have to go thru the whole nightmare again and try to heal completely this time.<P>I wish you luck. It may console you to know that only about 10% of affairs ever turn into long lasting relationships. My former friend cheated on her first husband with her 2nd, and on her 2nd with my H. Both times was only 6 months in the marriages. Pretty sick.<P>I'll pray for you. maggierose


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