First of all I'd like to make a comment about this website and applaud all of you for your candor relating to this subject. I found all of the messages here genuine.<P>Let me begin by this by saying this is a lengthy story so please bear with me. <P> I recently decided to retire from Law Enforcement after 20 yrs and 8 months of service. I have seen and heard every imaginable story relating to infidelity and never truely understood the motivation for it. <P>I believe that if a marriage is so bad--end it. I realize that there are many reasons that people have affairs but until recently I began to fear the worst in my marriage.<P>I've been married 18 yrs and have two wonderful children. Although my marriage is by no means perfect it always appeared solid. <P>Recently, upon my decision to retire, my wife and I decided to relocate to another state approximately 1000 miles away. We purchased a nice home and everything appeared normal. At the time of the move I was due for retirement in four months and had to return to work, leaving my family. I've flown to see my family approximately one half dozen times since the relocation. <P>During my time away from home I speak to my wife over the internet. She rarely calls me by phone and when she does it's usually about a problem with our kids or the house. Typical for 18 years of marriage. However I've noticed that recently she never calls me to simply say she misses me, or to just say hi. I'm always the one who calls.<P>One evening she did call me to tell me she was stopped by a local Police officer for speeding. One of my kids was with her in our car at the time of the stop. I thought nothing of it at the time but through a subsequent conversation I had with my child I was told that the Officer appeared overly friendly, stuck his head in the car, introduced himself, and asked my child---"Do you think I should give your mommy a ticket?" In all of my years as a Uniformed Police Officer never once did I act in such a manner while stopping a car for an infraction---it's totally unprofessional.<P>One evening about three weeks ago I was speaking to my wife online and had a "cyberspat". Approximately 10 minutes after it ended, while talking about an entirely different subject matter with her I received an Instant Message from her saying , "well you ain't never been apart of my world and never will be". I responded and asked what she meant by that and she told me it was a typo. I asked myself over and over how a whole sentence can be a typographical error. I could draw no logical conclusion except that it probably was a mis-sent IM intended for someone she may have been chatting with online while she was chatting with me. <P>That night I purchased an "internet snooper" that records all keystrokes made on a computer and saved it to a disk to take with me when I returned home for a visit. My suspicions were running amock during this time.<P>The next morning I awoke and while checking my e-mails and noticed she sent me an e-mail telling me how much she loved me and missed me and how she couldn't wait til I got home. Guilty conscience??<P>A few days later I flew home and installed the snooper program. On the morning of my arrival I went to check my mail and was advised by the mailman that our mail had been stopped. (One of my kids had a function in another city and we planned on leaving home a few days but the date of the mail stoppage was three days before we were supposed to leave) I asked my wife about this and was told she made a mistake because the date on her watch was wrong. I found it all too coincidental. I was with my family for ten days and never once saw the mail. I also noticed that all of the phone bills had been discarded with only the payment portion of the bill on my refrigerator.<P>I spoke to my son one evening and he told me about a sudden change in my wife's behavior. He recalled that one evening he noticed her cell phone on the kitchen counter. The voice mail light was flashing on it and he thought it may have been a message from me. (He knew the voicemail access number for the phone because my wife gave it to him when she purchased the phone)She screamed at him for touching her phone and told him that she changed the access number for her voicemail. One night he walked into our computer room while my wife was on the internet to get some paper and was screamed at wildly by her. He noticed that she literally covered the screen with her body while he was in the room.<P>On the day of our trip to my childs function I noticed that my wife walked into our bedroom and locked the door behind her. She was in the bedroom and had her cell phone with her. Approximately 20 minutes later she walked out of the bedroom and told me that she had to go to the bank. <P>About 5 minutes after she left I happened to be looking out of my living room window and saw what appeared to be her car driving by my house. The car was exactly like ours and I'd bet a months worth of pay that it was. After seeing this I walked to the end of our street and noticed a Police Car in a driveway around the corner. I can only assume that an Officer resides there since I haven't been in the area alot. This Police car wasn't from the same jurisdiction as the one that stopped her.<P>When she returned from the bank we packed our car and left for my child's function. On our arrival at our hotel my wife appeared distant and had a "deathgrip" on her cell phone. She wouldn't part with it. One evening she told me that she wanted to get away from the kids and I and take a drive. I asked her why, and she replied by telling me that she needed time alone. She stayed with us at the hotel that night but was totally irritated. It appeared the she had a million things on her mind and it was unlike her to act this way.<P>The following night my wife wanted to get out once again and go to a drug store. We all went with her and I once again noticed extreme irritablity on her part. As we returned to the hotel she told me that she forgot to buy shampoo. She immediately returned to the drug store on her own and came back to the hotel a short time later with a look of contentment on her face. (She did buy shampoo though)<P>A few days later we returned home. As we pulled into the driveway she immediately went into our bedroom to check our answering machine. There were three messages on it which she hurriedly erased. I asked her why she erased the messages and she told me that the answering machine was on the "fritz".<P>After having seen and heard all I did, I simply couldn't sleep and had a loss of appetite. I tryed to sleep that night but couldn't. I went to the computer during the early Am hours and sent her an e-mail explaining what I saw and how I felt about what had transpired during my visit home. The next morning she read the e-mail I sent her and screamed at me for thinking such a way about her. I made no accusations of infidelity to her but I told her I thought her behavior was questionable. Her biggest complaint to me was that I thought I saw her driving by my house that one morning.<P>I also checked the "snooper" program that I installed on the computer and found nothing.<P>That morning she took me to the airport, hugged and kissed me like she never did before. In my mind it was more like a "kissoff". The entire time I was home never once did she hug me, kiss me or tell me that she loved me as she has done so many times in the past.<P>Since my return to work I spoken to several close friends about this and all believe that she is having or had an affair. One of my friends told me that perhaps I should contact a Private Invesitgator to allay my suspicions once and for all. I contacted a Private Investigator close to my home and asked for an opinion. He concurred with me but I know he's a businessman.<P>Well here I am 1000 miles away from home and have a feeling of emptiness. I feel lost and confused. Any opinions are greatly appreciated. I realize that I have fond nothing of a concrete nature here but my heart tells me otherwise.<P><BR>I've spoken to my wife since my return to work and she appears content again.........am I being overly suspicious? paranoid?<P>Thanks for reading this I know it was long--God Bless<P>

adecentman,<P>If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, then it is most likely a duck. I would bet a substantial amount of money she is having an affair.<P>Did you decide to hire the PI? I think you can get the phone records from the phone company as I suspect your name is on them.<P>I hope you will read more on this site. I would strongly recommend that you read about Plan A, plus a few books might help. Surviving an Affair by Harley and His Needs Her Needs by Harley are both very good. They will help you see many things about your marriage, but most importantly it can survive an affair and how to rebuild the marriage.<P>So many things you can do, but first I would confirm the suspicions if you can. Get the phone bills, and the perhaps the PI. You will need evidence for this, but frankly her behavior is so text book that it is hard to imagine that it isn't an affair.<P>By the way, in this portion of MB, "Just FOUND OUt", look up Onegoing's general greeting or NSR's general greeting, within those greetings are bookmarked many articles especially ones on Plan A and Plan B.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

adecentman,<P>Sorry for your pain. I know it sucks to be away from your family and friends too.<P>I agree with JL. BTW, you could get your phone records online and she won't even know your checking up on her. You can do the same with your cell phone bill. What are you guys chatting on? If it's yahoo...let me know. I have some ways of you breaking into her messenger login. <P>techlady

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>adecentman,<P>If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, then it is most likely a duck. I would bet a substantial amount of money she is having an affair.<P>Did you decide to hire the PI? I think you can get the phone records from the phone company as I suspect your name is on them.<P>I hope you will read more on this site. I would strongly recommend that you read about Plan A, plus a few books might help. Surviving an Affair by Harley and His Needs Her Needs by Harley are both very good. They will help you see many things about your marriage, but most importantly it can survive an affair and how to rebuild the marriage.<P>So many things you can do, but first I would confirm the suspicions if you can. Get the phone bills, and the perhaps the PI. You will need evidence for this, but frankly her behavior is so text book that it is hard to imagine that it isn't an affair.<P>By the way, in this portion of MB, "Just FOUND OUt", look up Onegoing's general greeting or NSR's general greeting, within those greetings are bookmarked many articles especially ones on Plan A and Plan B.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HI,<BR>Thanks for the response-- To answer your questions,,,no I haven't hired a PI yet I'm still contemplating it. As for the cellular phone bills---I've tryed to obtain records from the phone company via the internet and received a message thta because there are 3 phones on the acct ( which is in her name) I would have to speak with a customer service rep....the problem is I'm a man and can't disquise my voice as a woman....Thru out the course of my career I've been involved in many cellular phone investigations and received little or no informaton relating to any investigations I conducted because of the privacy act. <P>

adecentman..<P>I have to admit,,it doesn't sound good. Usually when you get that "feeling" in your gut,,it's true. I sincerely hope for your sake it's not but........<P>Please take the time to read EVERYTHING on this site. Also get the suggested books and read. I KNOW the last thing in the world you want to do right now is to sit down and read but, believe me, if she is indeed involved with someone else, all this reading will be most important. If she's not, Then you've taken a crash course in marital relationships that won't be wasted either. <P>Sounds as though that cell phone is the key to discovering what she is doing or who she is talking to. Any chance you could enlist the help of a female to change that billing? I know you said you can't "sound like a woman" but if you could possibly soften or muffle your voice, it's sometimes hard to tell. <P>Please continue to post and keep us updated. You'll find this place so comforting and informative. I wish you all the luck possible.......

If you hire a PI you will know for certain. The fact that you have not probably tells me that you really do not want to really know the truth because you will have to deal with it directly. I guess the question is are you willing to continue as you are if your wife is having an affair which is quite probable. The longer you are in avoidance the longer the affair will continue and the longer your wife will become distant to you. Once the truth is revealed you will be able to deal with the problem. I wish you luck.

Hi,<BR> I haven't hired a Private Investigator at this point because of how recently these issues have developed. Honestly I'm in a state of shock and denial.<P>During my conversation with the PI he advised me that it would probably be best to wait about a week to let her get back into her patterns. The PI chided me a bit because of the e-mail I sent to my wife, telling me that " put her on her guard". I'll wait, let things die down a bit and then hire him.<P>Thanks