I just found out that my husband has had an affair with a woman, off and on, for 3 years! Let me back up. 3 years ago, we placed our handicapped child into foster care, as I'd been in a car accident, suffered from fibromyalgia and possibly lupus. My 14 year old stepson had just run away.<P>Anyway, shortly after our son went into foster care, my husband started seeking marital advice from a coworker. They talked a lot, he says. Anyway, one day, after several weeks of arguing, I packed my bags and that of our 3 year old daughter, and left to my mother's. My husband was supposed to be going paintballing with the "guys" at work, that night. Anyway, that night, instead of going paintballing, my husband wound up at the ocean with this "helpful co-worker", whom, I'll refer to from this point on, as his "f**ck buddy,whom he says he "only slept with 10 or 15 times over a period of a year and a half.<P>My husband claims that due to the devistation of my leaving, our children leaving, him thinking that I was having an affair...he decided to go to the ocean and picked this woman up from her home. He says that he wasn't thinking, when they ended up in a motel, with 2 beds. He says that she climbed into his bed and"...it just happened." Anyway, the affair continued for a year and a half. They had sex about 10 or 15 times, he says. It's beyond me why he'd be able to count. <P>Anyway, during the affair, my husband and I began spending more time together, as we no longer had our child at home, so we were able to. We went to the ocean... It turns out, the same places that he took me, he took his F**ck buddy!!!!<P>Also, after he ended the affair, he picked her up, with our child, and they all went to the ocean!!! <P>It turns out, that he's taken our daughter to her home, even! <P>6 more months go by. This co-worker continues to call my home. Keep in mind, that this is about 1 year after the 1.5 year long affair ended. My husband gets all dressed up, in the father's day outfit that I purchased for him, and leaves to some sports bar. He got drunk after being sober for nearly 11 years, and then, visits his F#*ck buddy, in an effort to disuade her from calling our home and visiting him on his job. He slept with her again.<P>Now, I'm just finding out about this whole thing. I found out because the last time the F#^ck buddy called, I asked her if something was going on between the two of them. She told me, "yes". <P>When my husband learned that she'd informed me of the affair, he flipped his lid. Initially, he cussed me out for being suspicious. Later, he admitted to the affair, and continued to blame me for it, while at the same time, telling me that there's no justification for his actions.<P>Now, I've had him move. Most of the time, when we spend time together, I feel pain. I almost want to hug him and slap him at the same time!<P>I know that the relationship between the two of them is over, because my husband and I went to her job, and he told her not to call nor visit. Additionally, I don't have a choice but to take him at his word, eventhough, he's forced me to live a lie, over the last 3 years. <P>Now, he wants to come home. I don't know what to do. I do love him, but, It hurts so badly, especially, when he gets sorrowfull and tells me how much he loves me and that he never loved her. He says that he never loved her, yet, the relationship wasn't built on sex, as they only had sex 10 or 15 times over a period of 1.5 years. How can I know that he truly loves me? How can I know that once he moves back in, and the trauma of this episode begins to dissolve, that he wont seek her or someone else out? In my opinion, after the first time he slept with her, if he loved me and was sorry that it happened, it wouldn't have continued, right? Now, he says that he didn't know that this would be so devistating, moving out, losing his family...and because of the trauma, it would never happen again. I would think that the trauma that he felt after their first time togtether would have prevented further episodes.<P>Anyway, I'm really uncomfortable with him moving back in. However, I dont know that we can honestly work on the relationship, separately. <P>On the other hand, when he's away, I feel more at ease. I don't hurt as much. I don't know if that's because i'm no longer in love or if it's just too difficult for me to be in his presence. <P>I'm now 34. I look better and am feeling better than I have in years. I don't have to answer to anyone and I'm enjoying it. I always felt that anytime I needed to focus on anything other than my husband and our family, my husband would buckle at the knees and get insecure. Now, I don't have to deal with that. I can complete my college education; finish my computer certifications...without feeling that I need to protect him from feeling abandoned.<P>Regarding other relationships? I'm not ready yet. However, I have been talking and seeing other people, on a friendship basis. My husband doesn't like it. However, it's because of their help, that I've arrived at feeling human again. Because of his blaming me for his affair, I continued to feel like I was sinking. I think I might even regret not having an affair during the same time that he did, as I was lonely and went without feeling important, for years!!! I felt abandoned, just like he did. Maybe I should have sought someone else out? Would it have eased my burdons? My concept of the whole monogomy thing has changed. I don't know that I beleive in it anymore. I was a 19 virgin when I married my husband. He was 27. I've never been with anyone else--period. Now, I find out that my husband has been sharing himself, off and on, over a period of 3 years? Is there something wrong with my concept, that fadelity is important--possible? <P>Should I let him move back in and risk feeling lonely? I'm not lonely anymore, as I've become occupied with other things and people. I feel pretty good. Friends and family state that I look like a burdon has been lifted from my shoulders. Does this mean that my husband is a burdon to me? <P>Should I give him up and begin a new life and have to face establishing a relationship with someone new? I'd have to face the issue of infadelity anyway, even if it doesn't occur, right? So, is it worth trying it out with someone new? Or should I attempt working through the garbage of our past together, with him?<P>I'm so hurt. I've attempted to have sex with my husband on several occassions. Most of the time that we have, it's been great, physically, however, I'm forced to push out of my mind, pictures of him doing the same thing to his f#%ck buddy. It's like I have to emotionally separate myself from the sex act, in order to enjoy it. At this point, I don't know that it matters that it's my husband, or not, that I'm sleeping with, because I don't have that "I'm so in love with the person I'm with" thing going on, anymore.<P>I'm young enough to move on and eventually find someone whom I can truly enjoy. Now, being a woman of 34, I know that I wouldn't get into a relationship that serves me no purpose other than someone to share the rituals of life with. On the other hand, I know my husband loves me. He's just terrible at showing it. I mean, I feel like I missed out on sooo much. How much am I supposed to take? I feel that I deserve respect, romance , consideration... I don't know if getting back with him, damns me to a life of unfullfilled needs or not. He got his needs met, shouldn't I? Should I risk it, as I do love him? Or, move on? Is there a such thing as adultry happening only once? How can I know that he'll never do this again? I don't feel like I should do the working, in an effort to get him back, either. I feel that he owes me big time. However, I wouldn't want him to do it out of guilt. I'd want him to do it because he loves and cares for me. <P>I still hurt, badly. I don't know what to do. As you can read, my mind is still scattered. Any suggestions?

2kids,<P>I presume that your name means that you have two kids. Or had two kids at home. I am not sure.<P>You said many things but one paragraph stuck with me. You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Regarding other relationships? I'm not ready yet. However, I have been talking and seeing other people, on a friendship basis. My husband doesn't like it. However, it's because of their help, that I've arrived at feeling human again. Because of his blaming me for his affair, I continued to feel like I was sinking. I think I might even regret not having an affair during the same time that he did, as I was lonely and went without feeling important, for years!!! I felt abandoned, just like he did. Maybe I should have sought someone else out? Would it have eased my burdons? My concept of the whole monogomy thing has changed. I don't know that I beleive in it anymore. I was a 19 virgin when I married my husband. He was 27. I've never been with anyone else--period. Now, I find out that my husband has been sharing himself, off and on, over a period of 3 years? Is there something wrong with my concept, that fadelity is important--possible? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all if fidelity is not important to you, then why are you mad at your H? Second, you are already seeing other people for comfort and socialization. Guess what your H did? And look where it got him? <P>Second, from reading your post I get the picture that you were not the ideal W to your H. You took the children and abandoned him. Do you have any idea what it is like to be abandoned? I doubt it. You are abandoning him now.<P>Of course the affair is convenient and it does justify you abandoning him, but you are seeing other men. <P>2kids, I understand you are hurt by your H's affair, but I don't think you have taken any responsibility for the state of the marriage before the affair, or even now.<P>I would strongly recommend that you get the book Surviving an Affair by Harley. Read it and then give it to your H to read. Next read His Needs Her Needs also by Harley. This book and the associated worksheets will give you a much better idea of why your H had the affair and why you have treated him as you have. With the understanding of the affair you will both get from the first book, and the understanding of needs that you both need to meet from the second book, I feel you could a much better marriage than you have ever had.<P>Step one though is tough. You must look at yourself and your role in this marriage. Your H was seeking the advice of co-worker for a very good reason. You had left him and weren't were you needed to be.<P>So sit down do somethinking. Then do some reading, the come post and ask lots of questions.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Yes, I will pick up those titles. Thank you for the suggestion.<P>Well, you think I sound selfish? Am I really expected to be working on the relationship now? I feel like I can hardly breathe! I don't know what day of the week I'm in; let alone attempting to meet the needs of my husband, who has set me in this spot.<P>You're right, in that our problems existed prior to the affair. Yes, we were going through a lot. More than the average couple, by far...however, that doesn't excuse his actions to seek comfort elsewhere, does it? Do you think something is wrong with my trying to get over the shock of this, before deciding on whether to work on the relationship or not? <P>He spent the night. We talked a lot. For the first time, we talked about productive things. Like the needs questionaire...I was impressed at that progress. Today, however? Different story. He's distant. He offers no comfort for me in this. I mentioned earlier, that I've begun talking with people. Mostly family and an old friend, who usually provides Biblical scriptures that he thinks would be helpful to us. He's helped me a lot. <P>If I gave the impression that I'm considering another relationship in the near future, that's not true. I'm trying to say that my husband doesn't offer the comfort that I need right now, so I'm talking with family and friends. You know, I felt like trash! I was really wondering what was wrong with me. I began to blame myself for my husbands affair. <P>After talking with friends and family, I now realize that I didn't cause it. I'm also in councelling. My councelor helped me to realize this as well. <P>I know that people must get through this trauma. I just don't see it. <P>I can't seem to get passed the fact that my husband ended the affair on his own, over a year ago and then, just recently, slept with her, while his intent, he says, was to drop by and tell her to stop calling our home. I just dont understand how one "accidentally" sleeps with a person. He blames it on the fact that he drank that night. I don't buy that. What do you think? Doesn't it seem like he's in denial? Does it matter, anyway? I don't know.<P>2kids<p>[This message has been edited by 2kids (edited July 27, 2001).]

2kids,<P>Suit yourself. But I didn't say your were to blame for the affair. I said that your narration of your marriage suggests that you had a significant role in the state of the marriage before the affair. Your response also indicate that your focus is primarily on yourself. I suppose there is nothing wrong with that, but it won't lead to a good marriage; now or in the future.<P>Please read what I have suggested. I think it will help you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL