I need any advice/tips I can get. Here’s the story:<P>H moved out because of us not getting along at all. He moved into an apartment not far from my house. Two weeks later, I find out that the wife of a friend of his left him and moved into the same apartment complex. We had them over once for New Years’ and she started calling him for computer questions, etc. <P>I saw her in the bedroom (where his computer is dressed and all) one day when I stopped by unexpectedly. He swears he had nothing going on with her, so I decided to believe him and shortly after, we started seeing each other and thinking about reconciling. All along I find that he’s talking to her frequently on the phone, and ask him to quit talking to her. I suspected something going on, but really didn’t want to believe it. After a couple months, this OW moves back with her H. So I kind of forgot about it. After all, they were just “friends”.<P>All the sudden he changes his original plans to go to a seminar in Nov. and decides to go to this other training in another city (about 1000 miles away). He is stand-offish during the week before he leaves, and leaves town without saying goodbye. Although he’s been nice to me and still gives me the impression that he wants to reconcile. After this, I get suspicious, and call the OW’s H and find out they aren’t together anymore (about 1 week ago), and she has moved back to her home state (neighboring the state he’s training in). <P>I KNOW he’s there with her. His phone in the hotel was off the hook for 2 or 3 nights, and when it’s on the hook, he doesn’t answer it. Late into the night, no one answers, except for a couple of times where he was very quiet and not open. He calls me from his cell phone in the day when he’s at training, but is never available at night (7 nights). He tries to make excuses, “I was out drinking” (he’s not a drinker usually), or just doesn’t say anything or changes the subject. Also, he drove there and got there 3 days in advance.<P>As you can see, it looks obvious. I’ve called him on it time and again, and he keeps denying everything. How can I handle this? I love him, and think we could work it out if he quits this, but he won’t admit it…..I know him.<P>Help, I’ve been in total panic mode, no sleep, no eat, and he’s coming back tomorrow. Says on the phone he loves me and wants to be with me.<BR>

rhapsody - sounds like classic affair stuff.<P>Read my post on this board entitled, WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses.<P>Order the books "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" from the bookstore section on this site.<P>Read about Plan A on this site. This is what you need to be doing now. DO NOT attack him with accusations and anger. This will be your natural tendency - resist it. Your goal in the near term is to find and fix the problems you contributed to the marriage. By doing so, you eliminate the reasons he attributes to you for the cause of his betrayal. He doesn't have to admit the affair for this to happen.<P>Briefly, do not expect the truth. Don't even bother asking him what went on when he was gone.<P>Bottom line right now while you catch up on your homework - kill him with kindness.<P>WAT

I'm confused about plan A...you're trying to meet the needs of a spouse, what about sex and venereal diseases?

Rhapsody,<BR>If sex is one of your spouses big emotional needs, I understand you wanting to meet it....however, there are others that are probably much more important right now...communication, affection, attention, honesty. I think every BS feels the sexual betrayal most acutely at first.."If only I was more experienced in bed, gave more oral sex, stood on my head"..whatever, then the relationship would be just fine. Usually that's not the case. Usually it is other unmet needs that sends someone into another's arms, and the sex just happens.<BR>The whole deal on meeting emotional needs is to do the best you can. If your relationship had gotten to the point where you had already seperated, then I would venture a guess it had more to do with the two of you having a huge breakdown in communication.<BR>Don't worry about the sexual aspect for a while. If it does happen to come up, I think you could be honest and say that you would feel more comfortable with protection.<BR>T