Four months ago I found out my wife had an affair. The affair lasted 1.5 yrs and ended, not by her, with a miscarraige. The affair happened 7 yrs and three kids ago. I had confronted her at the time and she denied the whole thing. Alot has happen in the last four months. We have had many ups and downs. My wife is extremely sorry and want's badly to be forgiven and for me to stay. My feelings have calmed down alot but I still have an extreme amount of resentment. I know that she loves me and I don't feel she would ever do it again. My feelings are so up and down towards her. I don't know if I can ever accept this. I am reading the book "After the Affair" and all the concepts make a lot of sense. I just don't know how to get back to not resenting her and my situation for more than a couple of hours at a time. I feel so differently towards her. Alot of people go thru this, some stay and some leave. Both ways have pros and cons. I don't want to go but I don't want the resentment to overtake the marraige and destroy it later. There's a few more details to the story but I'm out of time for now. What are your thoughts?

JDB - as much as it hurts right now, consider yourself lucky. It's over and your wife finally found the courage to fess up. You have no idea how many folks on this site would like to be in your shoes - myself included.<P>Your reactions are normal, but you can over come this and end up with a better relationship.<P>Please consider re-posting your message on the "Recovery" board. You'll get lots of help.<P>Please share this site with your wife if you haven't already. She will find support here as well.<P>WAT

JDB, <P>Ditto what WAT says. There is still a journey ahead of you and your W, but the road may be a tad smoother if she is really ready to recommit to the marriage and you. I am a former Weak Spouse (WS), and I can tell you that this site will help immensely, even your wife! <P>If she is like me, she feels tremendous guilt, but with the right partner, YOU, you will both get through it. The resentment will subside as you see her trying and you talk more openly about things in the coming weeks and months.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

At age 32,with the children ages 5,3,& 1, I know it would make much more sense to stay. But, what do I do with all the lies and deception. I wouldn't be here with three children if I knew about all this in the beginning. I feel stupid and little. I worked hard and thought I had everything or atleast things were going well in life. Now it seems like I have nothing. The betrayal is sucking the life out of my hopes and dreams. I know that my W loves and wants me but I am having a very difficult time mustering any of the endless affection I once had for her. I want to look back on my life when I'm old and be proud and happy. I wanted the perfect marriage and family. I still love my W and want her to be happy, I just don't know if I can be with her. I am thinking of moving out for awhile. I am thinking of starting over and finding a new W, that is true. It's difficult to imagine life without my W now. This entire situation is difficult. Is there anything that can be done by either of us to get me back to wanting my wife again? <P>Thanks for any comments. Previous ones seem encouraging but reconciliation is easier said than done.

JDB,<BR>Sorry you had to find your way here, but glad you found the site. The loss of affection, trust and old feeling you had for your wife will return, and in some ways will be stronger than you expected....the secret is for both partners to participate in the recovery 100%. To this end, I really recommend reading the rules of marital recovery with your wife, doing the emotional needs survey, working on curing LB's in your relationship. These will also change at various places in your recovery, so review and update them every so often. Consider the A and it's discovery a huge surgery. Tending the wound through the methods I described above will help it heal, and the scar will fade with time...<BR>Try not to focus so much on should I stay or go, but rather on committing to working on the relationship for 6-8 months. Tell yourself "no decisions till 1/1/02, but lots of hard work until then." You will be surprised at how much difference time makes. Will you have ups and downs? Millions. Good days and bad? hundreds!!<BR>I quote my Grandmother and my favorite was her take on marriage..."It's not in the choosin', it's in the stayin'!<BR>Look for me on the recovery board if you need some help. WARNING>>>I try to stay positive!!!<BR>T

Twyla, Thank you for the encouragement. This situation is an uphill battle, with a million excuses to quit. I will give it time before I make any life long decisions. My W is trying hard to make me happy and that helps. <P>It is nice to have somewhere to go for help and get advice from others in similar situations.<P>Thanks again.

I am like you. We are in counseling but I am having a hard time "getting over it", "starting with a clean slate", and "not dwelling in the past". (things my husband and the counselor both said I should do)<P>It's only been about a month since I found out. I don't how I'm supposed to "get over it" in a month.<P>

JDB,<P>My Wife had an affair 4 years ago and the truth finaly came out 5 weeks ago. There have been many lies over the years. I don't even know if I believe she is still telling me the whole truth. I don't feel like my W will do it again either, but I don't know if I can trust her again.<P>I have had feelings of leaving as well. I don't know how to change your mind, I'll tell you two things that changed mine. <BR> <BR>First, about two weeks after Confirmation of the Affair I asked for a seperation. I thought a lot about it after I talked to the wife because she was crushed. I remembered how I was so angry with my wife when she admitted it and she told me she felt the marriage wasn't fulfilling her neads at the time. I recited the wedding vows to her and pointed out the line: through good times and bad.... we'll after I thought about seperating I relized I wasn't following my own words, and I threw those words in my wifes face? At that point I realized I should follow this promise to god and to my wife, even if my wife hadn't.<P>Second: after reading through this sight and read on the others who have things much worse than I, and who are dealing with spouces who continue to participate in an affair. I saw the strength from these people and the people who have made it through the tough times and I realized I can do this to.<BR>Sometimes I get the feeling of giving up, but I think of my love for my W and kids and for some reason I keep thinking of our vows and that doesn't chear me up but instead gives me strength.<BR>I hope this has helped you, E<p>[This message has been edited by SEM (edited August 03, 2001).]

I have had alot of thoughts running thru my head today. I wish the A never happened, but it did and neither one of us,W and myself, can undo it. We can only grow and learn from it and control our situation now. A great marriage is waiting for me, all I have to do is do plan A and follow the Basic Concepts on this sight. My w really responds nicely when I try to make a go of it. I just can't get the apolling feeling out of my gut. I keep thinking something magical will happen and make all this go away. I think the something magical has to come from me. I am struggling with that part. Atleast if all goes we'll and I try like h doing plan A and after time the resentment doesn't go away I'll know I tried my hardest. Life now is what I make of it?

JDB,<P>The magic that you are looking for are found in the very normal place of "time and patience". Time will work its magic and patience with yourself will do the rest.<P>You are pretty normal especially so early after the discovery of this past affair.<P>Just as a point of clarification, how did you find out about the affair? And how did the miscarriage seem to have ended it for your W, those years ago?<P>Did you notice a difference in her attitude toward you after her affair did end? Have things in your marriage been pretty good in the intervening years?<P>I am not as nosey as it seems. But, it often helps when responding to have a better idea as to what has happened as best you know why? <P>In any event, try the magic potion of T&P, it is a slowing acting potion, but it does work.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<BR>The A ended when my W told him she was pregnant. He is Married and had two children. He told her he would make her life H if she ever told anyone. I had found some phone call on the phone bill to him and confronted her. I had known about some phone calls before but thought that was all it was and that they had stopped months before. She said nothing but phone calls ever happened and gave me a huge guilt trip. She miscarried after this. She had a tubal pregnancy after that and then we had out first child. This is the story as I know it. We were very close during her three pregnancies. I guess I felt I could trust her and she depended on me. We have had a pretty good marriage since then. She has been depressed in part of that time and in some of the time she was pretty angry for no apparent reason. We have had a busy life. She was finishing up school, commuting. She lost a grandparent. We have moved. Work. We have had our normal struggles, but over all we have had a good marriage. But we have had some extreme underlying problems. I didn't trust her because of things from before we were married. In the last couple of years all of the suspission had built up, I would confront her from time to time and she would always deny and things were bad for awhile. Finally, I confronted her, and she told me everything. I never dreamed she could have done all this. I still can't. We went and told his wife, she had already known. She told me a few more details. This is all very hard. I want to stay and should stay but I am really having a hard time. I am trying to use time and patience, but this is an extremely difficult situation to be in. My W is trying very hard and is a different and better person now. Thanks for the response JL.

It's so hard finding out so long after the fact (see my post on the Recovery board today). I know it makes you feel like everything has been a lie and you have no foundation for trust or respect. That's how I feel, and his A was 6 years ago with my ex best friend. I didn't know the truth until a month ago. But at the time it happened, he told me he never loved me, etc. and moved out to pursue her.<P>Even though it was very hard, I truly think the separation saved us in the end. It was for 9 months. It prevented us from hurting each other on a daily basis. I didn't have to see him moping around missing her. <P>Of course, I did NOT want to be with another man. With all of the heart ache he gave me, why would I want more? I also knew that relationships that start in the midst of a crisis like that never last. So if you want to take a short break to work on yourself, I'd say do it if a counselor agrees with you. Our C. did. After about 5 months, we dated again. It was actually fun going out but then nice to be able to go home ALONE w/o stress or tension.<P>We were both committed to working on the M. Now, 5 years later, we are back in counseling. I'm trying to get thru the grieving process and work on forgiving both of them. I know that will take a real long time. I hate that they lied, and so convincingly, to cover their butts. I hate that he slept with both of us, back and forth. Makes me sick. <P>I know time, counseling and God will get us through. You do have to take care of yourself right now. But please do NOT look for another woman. That will only compound all of the pain. Good luck and prayers.

Maggierose,<BR>I guess the feelings of the betrayed spouse having an affair to become equal or for some reason is kinda typical? I have told my W I was going to do it, but I don't know if it's within my character. Atleast I haven't made any attempt. The trouble caused with all that would probably be incredible. Things and emotions are still crazy but much, much, much better than a couple of months ago. Time helps. I still have alot of resentment to work on. I am trying to hold off 'till Jan. before we seperate. Hopefully by then plan A will restore my love for her and the seperation and possible affair will never happen. I am just trying not to hate or resent so much, now. This situation is not really much fun, but I know if we make it we will have a really strong marriage. Life isn't perfect is it. I guess this builds character, or shows it.<P>Thanks for the comments, I hope things work out for you the way you want them to. <BR>JDB

Just to keep in touch. I guess I should move my post over to the recovery topic. <BR>We are both still trying but the recovery is so slow and feeling good about us just doesn't last. I seem to keep reverting back into resentment. I feel like all the others in this stage of recovery. It sucks to feel sad or bad or mad about half the time, and want to move on the other half. I haven't heard to many people in these situations that feel totally, 100% great all the time about the relationship. I wonder if that is possible for anyone. Do you just minimize the pain and suck it up and go on. Starting over sometimes seems to be the best option.

JDB,<P>I think you need to realize that the TIME in TIME & PATIENCE is measured in years, not months. It will take a year for most of the pain to go away and some of the images in your head. Do you talk to your W about how you feel and how the triggers just show up?? I hope so.<P>She needs to know that while you do want this to work, you have to deal with the triggers and the ideas in your head. She also needs to understand you are dealing with the issues of what was real and what was a lie in your marriage.<P>Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs by Harley. The first will provide both of you with some ideas of what has happened and the later will help you and your W make the marriage better.<P>But, most of all T&P, and trying to give your W love and consideration when you can. I think you will find that trying to give to her will help you more than almost anything else.<P>God Bless,<P>JL