My first post here...sorry, the story is long so you'll know my situation. Though H treats me like a million dollars (he's truly a charmer), I've seen a number of red flags in the last year. We went to counseling a couple of months ago about another matter. Dr. brought up the problem I'm having with H is because I feel I can't trust him - he was right on the money and it felt good to get it out. (H told me before we married all about how he cheated on his former wife, but four years after their divorcing, he'd changed and is a true Christian. That's when we met). H has lied to me a few times over the year, and always denies it, or justifies the lie, so I feel it would be easy for him to lie to me about other women. After our fourth session with counselor, H then wanted to end counseling, said we were okay now. Yea, right, Dr. was getting a little too nosy for his liking I guess. Since then I went again on my own once. I can't tell for sure, Dr. said there were an awfully lot of red flags he saw too, but I feel deep down inside he's been with other women, if not sexually with all, I think he's met with some. He's extremely good looking and women come on to him all the time, I can only imagine what it's like when I'm not around. The other day after he left I opened his email (he's very protective of that) and he had started corresponding with a woman who found him through Classmates and asked if he had been married to a particular woman she knew. He wrote back and said no, but is she in his home town (right near us). Today, after he left I went to check his email again for any more correspondance, and he had taken the DSL adapter off and I guess took it with him. No reason on earth for him to do that unless he checked the time and found out I was on his computer while he was gone (we each have our own). I have her email address. My question is: should I write her and let her know he's married, he failed to mention that to her when he wrote her back and asked where she lived - ha. Has anyone had any experience with this situation? The Dr. said I'm not wrong to check up on him, the things I told him indicated straying, and that I should continue to check up on him - it'll prove one thing - either he'll eventually get caught or I'll be so convinced he's not straying I'll have peace of mind again. Anyone? Thanks for any suggestions.

Welcome <B>Trying2BeOkay</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>About the "checking up" part...<P>Complete honesty ( as defined in MB ) definitely says it's OK to "check up"....<P><B>but</B>...<BR>...until your H comes to the understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> and even more so <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>the Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>...<P>...you actions will be taken to be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>...<P>So initially... I'd suggest you back off...<BR>...for a short time at least...<P>Now... for honesty to be 'total'...<BR>...talk to him about it...<BR>...and be honest that... for your love to grow...<BR>...in time... you will again "confirm" his actions on the Internet.<P>True love means mutual submission...<BR>...you submit to his viewing all your activity...<BR>...as he submits to your viewing his activity...<BR>(there is a need to adjust to this mentality... so be patient... and offer his viewing your activity first!)<P>Start on Plan A...<P>...and then make sure your counselor is in tune with the MB <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Basic Concepts</A>. If not... consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>MB telephone counseling sessions</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Did you ask him why you are not welcome to look at his computer?<BR>If you have nothing to hide then hide nothing<BR> Dr. Phill

Thanks NSR and Sadprincess for your response. NSR, since your recommendation I have backed off like you suggested, trying to only deposit into the Love Bank. I actually feel more like my old self again, and he has made nice comments about how he feels like he has his "(my name) back again". Good move! Thanks.<P>Sadprincess, he stopped opening his emails in front of me about a year ago, when:... his ex-wife always emails him and says things like, "what are you doing at work right now, flirting with all the women?" After a number of emails like that, I finally one day said, "you know, that is so ugly of her to continually do that to you. She's not married to you anymore, and I take that as an offense not only to you but to myself personally." He said I should just let it go that she really doesn't mean anything by saying those things... I took that as him taking up for her, and felt insulted that he would do that. So after a number of those from her, he rarely checks his email at home anymore, until I'm sleeping or showering - I can tell by the time he's logged on.<P>So, about the original problem I had about whether to email that woman or not, well, once he wrote back and said he wasn't the man who had been married to her friend, she replied with only, "thanks for the reply" - which should have ended it I thought. <P>BUT then he sent her a picture of himself, asking if he looked like the man she was talking about. Completely out of line I thought. She returned with a letter about her divorcing her husband last year, and a little about this guy she was looking for (who has the same name as my husband), and that no he didn't look like him. She didn't seem flirty with what she wrote, which just my speculation but I think he would have replied back to her in another way, since he sent her a picture and all, instead he replied back that he would pray for her situation that day, that he loved to pray. Since then I haven't seen any more letters from her, or any sent from him. So, I'm glad I wasn't the "freight train" and write her right away. <P>But I still feel it was inappropriate on his part to send her a picture. What do you think? I always tell him he's a gorgeous man, and mean it...it's not like he never hears that and needs it from other women.

Trying,<BR> Glad it was a false alarm for you, I know that feeling of gut wrenching uncertainess. Have you looked over the basics here? The Emotional needs questionnaire was helpful for me and my H. He comes from a family where little lies dont matter, (dont tell mom I did ...) I come from a family who are honest to a fault. We both came to realize that was my #1 need. He has really worked on 100% honesty even when he feels no need because now he sees the importance to me. Example - he would use nicotine when with his friends - no big deal right? But when I find nicotine in car I think "If he's dishonest about this he must be lieing about bigger things"<BR> His need was for attention. We used to spend alone time reading together (different books) and I would rub his back or head. Now we have children and were working opposite shifts and the touching was not so important to me, you know a million other things need to be done. But when I stopped rubbing his head, holding his hand, etc. he felt unloved. Who would have ever thought it? a guy?<BR> Anyway my point was, you think you know what your spouse needs and loves but it is always tainted with your perspective (its what I would like so he would like it).<BR> Try to get him to fill out EN questionnaire then work on his first 2 needs.<BR>You might be surprised as to what your #1 need is also(I was)<BR> I guess no need to worry over if he is or isnt at this point, although I think your gut tells you,work on you. Make yourself happy and you will be irresistable to him.<BR>good Luck<BR>L.

Hey sadprincess, would love to see you be able to change it to gladprincess!<P>I just printed out two copies and when we discussed it before, he's open to doing it. I guess my being in the cocoon blocked the thought of actually DOING it! Thanks for the suggestion.<P>I'm with you on that "little white lies" thing. I feel if a person can lie so easily about dumb little stuff, they'll have no problem lying about the big stuff. I know his past and unfortunately and as embarrasing as it is to say, mine was pretty much the same - which is why I know too well the tricks of hiding things. And that's why I've been so hypersensitive about the red flags I've seen. <P>What I learned in my last counseling visit alone from what he had told the counselor, was something I had actually been HEARING him say all along - but what I was fighting. He needs FOR ME to NEED him. I am a very independent person, and I've often said to him I'd rather a person WANT to be with me than NEED to be with me. He had told me how his former girlfriend (who his exwife divorced him over - though he never would marry the girl), how her family kept telling him she NEEDED him. My mistake for not catching those words but I've been correcting it. Without overkill, I've been saying things like, "I really need you to help me with..." etc. and he gets so happy! I always thought it was a sign of weakness, but, gee golly, I was wrong!

Im notso sad as I was. <BR> Anyway Im glad things are going well with counseling and all. <BR> I know what you mean about the independance thing. My H said thats why he fell in love with me but now its a Lovebuster. Hmmm<BR>Anyway, I know I could make it without my H but one thing I found out is OK maybe I dont NEED him like some women NEED men, I can pay my bills, raise kids etc. BUT I do have places that I need him. Its hard to explain but I will try. <BR> Anyone that knows me thinks I am a strong person, I have strong opinions and Im pretty smart. ONLY my husband really knows me and knows my weakness's. <BR> Only example I can give and its a poor one is this. My husband is known and loved by all, I have only a few friends and I hate small talk. SO in social situations my husband doesnt leave me with strangers to talk and he always compliments me in front of others, I guess he knows I am feeling uncomfortable and no one else would know. He knows by a look that I am amused or worried. I guess he is the only one who knows me that well and that includes my weak spots, HE PROTECTS ME in that way and thats how I NEED HIM.<BR> Sorry if this is rambly just got off work I need sleep.<BR>ALways forgive my grammer and spelling.<BR>nice to chat with you please tell me how questionnaire goes!<BR>Good Luck<BR>L.

Wait till you hear this! We did the questionaire separately two days ago, then went over them later that evening. What a trip! We ended up in a horrendous argument, mainly about the finance part - which isn't even one of our top 5 but has great weight on our relationship. <P>This is going to sound like it should be in the STEP bulletin board, but here goes. Let me set the stage...BEFORE I ever moved over here and got married, I asked him if he had ANY financial obligations, I knew his daughter was in college, but he said NO. I knew he wasn't swimming in money and that was okay with me. He had told me before that he had given the house and all monies to his wife when they divorced (I guess out of guilt about the other woman he had had for 4 years), so I figured that included a college fund. <P>His daughter is 21 years old and in college an hour away from us. We STRUGGLE to make ends meet, sometimes having to wait till the paycheck is in our hands just to buy groceries. We have NO savings, NO luxuries, put it this way - when we go out to the movies, it's a big thing. But all the while, he's sending the daughter money every month. <P>She got a brand new car recently (I don't have my own car anymore), a cell phone (we don't have a cell phone), he pays her gym membership (he cancelled ours long ago because we can't afford it), and it goes on and on. And he doesn't make her work to help support herself AT ALL, even in the summer when she's out of school! He sends her money for her trips to New York City (2 this year already), New Orleans, San Antonio, etc. while we've sat at home for two years. Now her mother does help pay her bills too. It's not just my husband taking care of everything for the daughter.<P>She EXPECTS it and she doesn't give a rats*** about him. In the two years we've lived here, she always passes within one mile of our house to and from her way to her mothers house, hasn't ONCE come over and calls ONLY when she wants some more money for something or what I call the "PRIMING CALL" - setting the stage to ask him for something else later. EVERY time HE has had to make arrangements to see her, EVERY time she, or HER MOTHER who is 2 hours away calls for her, and says she has diahrrea or cramps, and has to cancel seeing him. EXCEPT for Christmas and her birthday! Go figure! IT KILLS ME to see the look on his face when she does that - especially for both Father's Days that I've been around for!! She has ZERO respect for him, but then I guess that's what he's teaching her all along right..."I'll do everything for you daughter and you don't have to do a single thing".<P>I don't have children by choice (I'm 44) and when I first met her, I was so good to her, sending her neat little things I thought she'd like. NEVER did I even get a thank you, go to hell, nothing...until my husband told her she had to start thanking me for what I do for her. So when I saw it was forced, I stopped all together. Almost two years ago she wrote an email to me that she needed to see her father WITHOUT me, so she could really get to know him, which I understood entirely. In two years I've only seen her 5 times for one to two hours each time. Funny thing is...she NEVER wants to see him (unless there's a present in it for her).<P>So, now you can see why I have such a problem with the way he chooses to use our money. I see now that is our #1 problem and I've started to leave him twice over it. But...I didn't have the money to go!!! Haha! And can't afford the psychologist anymore either - even that went on the credit card. What a sad, sad situation...<P>He says I would do exactly like him if I had had children and the situation was reversed. Am I wrong for not "happily" supporting the daughter??? Am I just being selfish??? Please let me know what you think. I need all the help I can get on this one. Thanks!

TryingtobeOK, you have so much on your plate. <P>Re: the emails...when I confessed my A, H insisted on reading my emails. Before the A, we had no secrets. The open policy on reading email (I use the puter far more than he) means I have to live in honesty. He actually let up on it a bit but we have an agreement he can check anything anytime. He knows I post here and I hope it's not dishonest of me but I often ask things I am not sure how to approach him about first here or feelings that are upsetting me that would hurt him if I shared directly. I usually tell him who I am writing and often why I posted or how a comment helped me.<P>The daughter situation is messy for sure. How could he be so foolish to hide his financial obligations to her from you? I am so sorry he did that to you.<P>SadPrincess, I am so glad to see you are helping TryingtobeOkay here. Thanks for coming back to help TCat, too. I am also happy to learn you are becoming a gladprincess.<P>Trying, you have the right name. Glad you are seeking support. I know many wise people will come along and see you through. Hope to be part of the process.<P>Blessings, <P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start