This is my first entry. I found out on June 6/01 that my husband of 14 years was having an affair. Our marriage has had its share of difficulties. Since the birth of our son 6 years ago, our marriage had gone steadily downhill. The baby required so much of my time and my husband was neglected. Our sex life was almost non-existent. He spent hours on internet adult chat lines and wouldn't interact with myself or our son. It was almost like he was leading a double life! Back in March he told me he was thinking of leaving me and I devesated. Although things had been bad I never thought he would actually go. We run a business together, have a son and 19 years of time together. I had been out one afternoon in May and went to do some work on our computer. There was a minimized message on the bottom of the screen. When I brought it up it was a love letter from a woman. When I questioned my husband about it, he vehemently denied he was having an affair, told me he loved me. He said the woman lived in CA and that they corresponded from time to time, it was all harmless fun! Well I wrote down his secret email address and then proceeded to determine his access code. On June 6/01, I figured out the code and up came 18 emails from this OW! I was so upset I didn't know what to do. Nights he told me he was going for a drive he was seeing this OW. After reading all the emails, I realized that she was a niece of one of customers, so I called him to get her telephone number. She didn't live in CA but in the next town to us. The uncle wouldn't give me her number, said he didn't have it, but proceeded to call her and tell her I knew of their affair. My husband was furious that I had found out! He said he would end it and called her the next day to tell her it was over. But it wasn't over, she was his fix. I thought we were putting things back together only to find out in early July that he had been telephoning her about once a week. I also found out that she had gone away with my H for an overnight in our motorhome, time he was supposed to be spending alone, soulsearching. I read the emails so many times that I almost knew them by heart. The only problem was that they gave me more questions than answers. My H claims that he has ended the affair, doesn't want to lose our business and home, but feels he is in love with the OW and not with me. He blames me for not meeting his needs and feels justified by having the A. I just found out tonight that he has been in touch with her by phone again within the past 2 weeks. He tells me that the A is over but how do I know this for sure? He wants me to put the qhole thing in the past and move on. I am having much trouble with this. I can't get images out of my head. I ask him questions and tonight we had a huge fight with him threatening to leave me and go to her if I don't let go. He wouldn't let me sleep in our bed tonight and told me that my questions had just made him think of her more. He says that if he calls her again, he will leave me for sure! I love my husband and don't want him to go but I don't know how to deal with the lies, hurt, questions and deceit. I want to believe it is over but when he keeps sneaking behind my back and calling her what do I do? I need help. How do you let go and move on?
