This is my first entry. I found out on June 6/01 that my husband of 14 years was having an affair. Our marriage has had its share of difficulties. Since the birth of our son 6 years ago, our marriage had gone steadily downhill. The baby required so much of my time and my husband was neglected. Our sex life was almost non-existent. He spent hours on internet adult chat lines and wouldn't interact with myself or our son. It was almost like he was leading a double life! Back in March he told me he was thinking of leaving me and I devesated. He said that he no longer felt like a man and he was dead inside. Although things had been bad I never thought he would actually go. We run a business together, have a son and 19 years of time together. <BR>I had been out one afternoon in May and went to do some work on our computer. There was a minimized message on the bottom of the screen. When I brought it up it was a love letter from a woman. When I questioned my husband about it, he vehemently denied he was having an affair, told me he loved me. He said the woman lived in CA and that they corresponded from time to time, it was all harmless fun! Well I wrote down his secret email address and then proceeded to determine his access code. On June 6/01, I figured out the code and up came 18 emails from this OW! I was so upset I didn't know what to do. Nights he told me he was going for a drive he was seeing this OW. After reading all the emails, I realized that she was a niece of one of customers, so I called him to get her telephone number. She didn't live in CA but in the next town to us. The uncle wouldn't give me her number, said he didn't have it, but proceeded to call her and tell her I knew of their affair. My husband was furious that I had found out! He said he would end it and called her the next day to tell her it was over. But it wasn't over, she was his fix. I thought we were putting things back together only to find out in early July that he had been telephoning her about once a week. I also found out that she had gone away with my H for an overnight in our motorhome, time he was supposed to be spending alone, soulsearching. I read the emails so many times that I almost knew them by heart. The only problem was that they gave me more questions than answers. My H tells me what a wonderful person this OW is. She is kind, accomadating loving and adores him! How do you compete with that? I have been trying so very hard to show him love and win him back but we seem to take 3 steps forward and 2 back. I have since found out that thos OW has been marrried 4 times and her last husband was having an affair on her. She was treated for depression and went to therapy to recover. What I don't understand is why she would put me through the same thing she went through! <BR>My H claims that he has ended the affair, doesn't want to lose our business and home, but feels he is in love with the OW and not with me. He is still feeling drawn to her and feels that they 'connected' like we never have. He blames me for not meeting his needs and feels justified by having the A. He even told me that he was looking for someone new and there she was. I just found out tonight that he has been in touch with her by phone again within the past 2 weeks. He tells me that the A is over but how do I know this for sure? He wants me to put the whole thing in the past and move on. I am having much trouble with this. I can't get images out of my head. I ask him questions and tonight we had a huge fight with him threatening to leave me and go to her if I don't let go. He wouldn't let me sleep in our bed tonight and told me that my questions had just made him think of her more. He says that if he calls her again, he will leave me for sure! I love my husband and don't want him to go but I don't know how to deal with the lies, hurt, questions and deceit. I want to believe it is over but when he keeps sneaking behind my back and calling her what do I do? I need help. How do you let go and move on?

Dear Louise,<BR>"Just let it go" is a favorite quote for many WS..unfortunately, you can't and he probably won't, and then marital recovery is almost impossible. Get to the bookstore and get a copy of Dr Harley's book "After An Affair", or order it from this site. Read all the articles about infidelity on this site while you are waiting for the book. I realize that your whole world is completely upside down now. Now is when you want to get right to plan A...read about it, implement it. Your H is sitting on the fence, not really knowing which side to go to. This is called the fog..you'll read about in one of the articles.<BR>Realize that while you did contribute to the atmosphere that allowed infidelity to become an option...YOU DID NOT cause your H to be unfaithful..it was his choice. Read about the Love Bank and Emotional Needs...it will start to make sense.<BR>Come back for support, read the articles and books, and be ready for an emotional rollercoaster. We've all been there, and we're here for you now.<BR>T

louise,<BR>I agree with Twyla. Read Dr.Harleys sight, you will find it very helpful. <BR>I can say you have found the right place for support, there are many members who have experienced similar situations, and I can say I haven't found any other place that as many people have the same problems. We/they all seem to be willing to help each other with these problems. I am new here as well, and I have found this a place to look forward to when I am feeling down. Where else can you go other than to personal friends (who seem to be burdened by your problems and you feel they want to drop you because you have to much luggage with you). At this sight we all have a common interest, we have all been been unfaithful or betrayed or both.<BR>I was betrayed by my wife. We are trying to work it out, as hard as it has been. I didn't have a simular experience to yours, but I know what it is like to be betrayed. I hope thing work out for you. My wife and I usually read and post together. It helps both of us cope with our pain. I hope your Husband can do the same. Our prayers are with you. ES

Louise,<BR> Twyla gave the best advice read her post again. As Betty Davis (I think) said "Fasten your seatbelts its gonna be a bumpy ride"<BR> Come her to complain vent cry whatever you need. Try not to Love Bust.<BR>Good Luck<BR>L.