i am so scared. it my 12 year marriage i have had to deal with my wife calling other men, them calling her, her having cyber sex and the list goes on. i got over all of that. but just a few months ago, i came in and she had her own screen name at our isp. i didn't understand why, but i did wonder. i tried to get her to log in one time and she refused. well then it started really getting bad. she told me that i wasn't giving her any room and that she was tired of it. she wanted a separation. i cried, squalled and balled begging her not to leave. we weht to counseling (the counselor suggested separation deeming me controlling and obsessed) im sorry, but i really love my wife, not obsessed. as the days went by, i really got nervous and put a monitoring system on the pc. i found that she was looking for some guy three or four times...every time she logged on. so i asked her one night if she knew any of his screen names and she said "no". just flat out lied to me. i said ok, ill leave it at that. well she didn't want to do that. she felt like i was on to her (i found this out later) when i named his screen name, her eyes almost popped out of her head. "how did you find this out?" the question is "why did she have to lie like that?" at this point, not only did i feel somethings wrong, but now i know. we almost divorced, but managed to hang in there. i found out that she met him, she told me this because she didn't know how much i knew. she swore on her life and the kid's lives that nothing happened, not even a kiss. i was ok with it, but didn't want her to leave. then one day by a complete accident, i found a conversation between her and him. i was devastated! it crushed me seeing what they were saying to each other. my wife of 12 years and this stranger. she has made comments like "if you would have seen any of the other conversations....there would be war" in that conversation i learned, his name, address (she was sending him a pic), i learned that they have talked on the phone and all kinds of things. i was truly hurt. well after that i really got worried and had the phone company to start sending a detailed list of my phone bill. it doesn't show numbers within the calling area (which area calling service is an additional cost if added to your phone) but in a detailed list it shows those numbers too. i saw a number that i didn't recognize and asked her about it. she blew up. she does not want me investigating anything. she wants me to trust her. but after all that we have been through, she still tells her sister that she is trying to come up with a plan to leave, she told her one night that "He can't see what i type in aol, but he can in the chat rooms" meaning, aol doesn't save anywhere on a pc, but chat rooms do. this is how she talks to the guy to begin with, aol. so after all that she still whispers to her sister these things. i don't mind her talking to her family, that's fine. but when i asked her if she was telling them our problems she said they don't know anything. i dont tell them a thing. which is another lie. she just discussed leaving and aol with one of them. and that same sister asked her one night "has he found something else out?" so i know there is something. and i am worried and scared. i want to know, but i am scared to know. when its all over i may find myself saying, "I wish i would have never found out". she lies to me all of the time, straight-faced and i just don't know when to believe her. i truly love her and want our marriage to work, but if i investigate, she has made it plain and clear, she will leave. what is she hiding??

Going into denial and saying you do not wish to really know<BR>the truth will not be helpful. I would suggest the following things to do at once. First, contact an attorney and know how to protect your rights. It sounds like your wife is planning to leave you soon and you need to protect your finances at the very least. Second, inform her you know of her plans and it is important for her to stop lying and be honest to you. Thirdly you both must go into counseling immediately. If she refuses then she will continue to lie and cheat and will move out when she has the finaces to do so. It is a shame you have to put up with this. Good Luck

we have been through counseling and psychiatrists to help. we've been on medication, too. what happens is, we will get along fine for a few days to a week, and i will discover something and bring it to her attention and she loses it. she feels like i am watching evreything she does. but after the things we recently went through, it's hard to not worry and wonder. she blames me for bringing it up, yet i still have proof that she's still lying. she says, "show me some proof if you have any" and if i do, it will split us up because it looks like i am trying to watch her and treat her like a kid. i feel like, if there is nothing going on, she should be fine with me investigating. but she's not...and i get the blame for the fight. it's like she's saying that she can be sneaky and its ok. if i check up on her, then i am being sneaky and it's NOT ok. i can't keep living my life like this. i am tired of the worrying and looking over my shoulder all the time. but by the same token, i would give my right arm for her, i really love her and want it to work! and i don't want to lose her. she's been with me for almost half of my life. we have three kids and they don't need this. her only influence is her family and none of them have any morals. they have all cheated at one time or another, some have several kids out of wedlock, by different daddies. they got pregnant at 15 and 16 and their mother acts like it's no big deal. theres been rapes, molestations and no one ever done anything. ive seen her sisters bring their boyfriends to their mother's while their husbands were at home...and their mother condoned it. gave them her blessing pretty much. but i still love my wife and i wish she would see that. and get away from that crazy bunch that's influencing her. i don't know what to do. and i wouldn't know what to do if she left. i don't know how to start over. i don't know how to deal with the pain and rejection. i have no earthly idea. nothing anyone says comforts me. all that people can do is wish me well. its sad, and painful, but i am trying not to show it to her anymore because it makes her mad and we end up fighting. but i am still investigating...but now, i am holding it all in. i have taped conversations between her and her sister, i have documents from emails, chat rooms, i have managed to crack her "friends" passwords to his email. (by the way, he's seeing lots of other women...that are married, too), etc. i have so much proof that she is continuously lying but i am not going to reveal it until the right time comes.

I repeat please contact an attorney immediately to see what you can do based on the various options that may occur. There is an old saying which says hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Your analysis of the situation seems pretty grim. The question you may have to ask yourself is whether it is worth it to have a wife who constantly lies to you, wishes to cheat on you and wishes to leave you behind your back. Her family history sounds very negative. You were a whole person before you met your wife and you will be again if she decides to leave you. Your wife at present clearly has no respect for you based on what you have written. You deserve more!

Scared,<P>It sound like your W is definately having at least an emotional affair and probabely physical as well. Your not crazy like she wants you to believe. I would look into the Plan A/ plan B in the marriagebuilders site and try to stop the questioning for a while and kill her with kindness as they say. I think that maybe you can get her out of the mindset that she is in and later worry about getting the truth out of her. <BR>It sounds like she is ready to leave you and isn't interested anymore. If you stop the accusations and don't even bring it up she may become confortable again while you work on plan A. If you get her interest again then work on the honesty. Start reading the marriagebuilders web sight it is very helpful.<BR>I hope it works out. E<BR>