I don't even know that I can bring myself to write this. i found out last night that my husband of just over a year and my sister who I love more dearly than I could have explained had an affair. What's worse, is that I found torn up emails from that were very explicit. Kicker is that I am a psychologist and should probably be able to read people a little better. I seriously feel like I am in some horrific nightmare or living somebody else's life. ANy help or insights would be hugely appreciated.

Hi Amy...<BR>I'm so sorry you have to be here. Please read the Welcome posts for new people and all the information about Plan A and B, LBs, ENs, etc. These methods DO work.. There are many of us around who have proven it. You will either save your marriage or you will know you have done all you can do to save it. Also read my post to "alone and away from home" for other pieces of advice that might help.<P>Now to your specific situtaion... Help me understand so I can maybe help.<BR>Is the A over now? If so, for how long? Is your H remorseful? Do you want to save your marriage? <P>I know this is soooooo hard, especially since your sister was involved. It is truly a betrayal that none of us deserve. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and recovery is possible. You are just beginning a road with a lot of ups and downs, and you will come our stronger. I know that feeling of just having the life sucked out of you and that crushing pain in your chest. Also that shock of feeling like it is a nightmare.... There are a lot of people who can help you here. Talk to us........ We can help you develop a plan..<P>Also, you might want to post your story over on "General Questions II". That part of the forum gets a lot more traffic and you might get more responses.<P>Best wishes to you,<BR>Jen

<BR>Hi, Jen--<P>Thanks for writing back. It sounds like you really do know how I feel. I am sorry for you, too, because this really sucks.<P>With regard to the specifics...it is over, supposedly for "months," time frames seem hazy, but they apparently were together 4 times w/ a couple phone and e-mail sessions thrown in there. My husband is very remorseful, but I don't know that I have it in me to forgive either of them, ever. My sister has always relied on me very heavily socially, despite being several years older. So, when her marriage of 17 years began deteriorating abt. 2-3 years ago, she relied very heavily on me and my husband to get her through it. Here is the best part, we live in different cities, and she was visiting us for 10 days with her young son who my husband and I adore. SO-to try to make a long story short, when I got home from work yesterday and found the e-mails, I confronted them (by phone-they weren't home) and he cam ehome to talk to me. When we returned later that night, I put on a happy face for my nephew, then let into both of them.<P>I am so totally disgusted.<P>Sorry to ramble, thanks for your help and advice.<P><BR>

Yuck... That's terrible. I'm so sorry. By the way, my H's affair has been over and we have been in recovery for about 2 years now. Things are better than ever, so please know that recovery is possible and worth the work.... but back to the present.<P>What you are feeling now is normal. What was done is disgusting and selfish. PARTICULARLY since the OW is your sister. Allow yourself to feel the pain and nurture your hurt for a few days. I think a good analogy for what you have been through is like a death. You are losing the image you have of your H, the relationship you thought you had with your sister and H, and you have been betrayed. Right now you should probably just deal with your emotions, and get past the shock. As much as it is hard, allow your H to help you through some of this hurt. He has that responsibility and it will bind you together to fight this thing. If he is remorseful, then he is probably willing to do that.<BR>Many people would tell you to forget them both. If that is your instinct right now, then my advice is to wait. Allow the shock to wear off before you make any decisions. You have something that a lot of people don't have. The A seems to be over and your H is remorseful. It may not seem like a lot, but it will dramatically increase your changes for success. I don't blame you for not wanting to forgive him (and her)...You've not even had time to digest all that has happened. Forgiveness requires time...adultery requires a lot of time. <BR>Please know that it is not your fault that this happened. They made the choice and they were so wrong. However, something that Dr. Harley emphasizes is that you are responsible for you and your behavior. It is important for recovery that you begin to look at what happened in the marriage before the affair and see what was happening that created an environment that made the affair possible. That was one of the hardest things I had to do... look at what needs I was not meeting of my H that made the affair possible. It does not in any way excuse the choice he made to betray me, but it made it possible to build our marriage and make things better. <P>Read Surviving an Affair and all the information on this site. It helped me so much. When your emotions are going haywire, it helps to have a plan to follow that is rational and concrete. All of this assumes that you make the decision to try to save your marriage... I really encourage you to try it. It is hard work, but it is so rewarding. I really thought it would be easier to end my relationship and was told to do that by so many people. You will hear this too, but think long and hard. I think there is something in us that suffers when we are not able to fulfill the vows we made and when we don't work through to forgiveness. There will be issues that follow you to other relationships. <P>Hugs to you today.... The pain will get more bearable are time passes... Keep reading and posting. You're not alone.<P>Jen<p>[This message has been edited by JenniJ (edited July 31, 2001).]

amyz, I have personally recovered from my WS first affair. It took time and I did not have the benefit of this wonderful site. So I know personally can be done. However, it does take two to make it right. It takes quite a bit of time to learn to trust again. But it can happen. The WS has to show some remorse for the betryal and breech of trust.Its weird but despite what the WS has done to you, you still love them. It would be so easy if you could somehow turn hat love off. Was it a long term romatic afair or a fling? Im sure you feel like someone , the person you trust the most, your best friend has run a sword thru your gut. The double betryal of it being your sister is almost unthinkable and Im sure you are doubly hurt. It seems we are all here in such a valley of dispair,Remember he didnt have to do it if he didnt want to do it. Realize that there was something missing in your marriage; (you may never get an anser to what but some questions in live we just dont get answers to); but whatver it was missing doesnt justify what he did. You are in for an emotional and psychlogical roller coaster ride. You will survive but it will take some time. I suggest you read Private Lies, Surviving Infidelity and Surviving An Affair. Personally my WS has gotten into a second affair after the first 6 years ago. Sometimes I wish I had just divorced her the first time. Remember you cant change the past, its history. You can only adress the future. Put one foot in front of the other, take it one day at a time, be responsible for yourself & continue with life. There are NO easy fixes for this. Good luck on your journey.

Amy,<BR> I don't have any advice for you, except to say keep looking and looking and reading and reading and posting and posting on this site !!! I too am a "newbie" here and have found such comfort, support and great advise here. <BR> My husband told me a week ago tomorrow of his affair. He currently says it was only an emotional affair - no physical contact - but I truly doubt that. The signs that there has been physicial contact are there.<BR> But after finding this site last Thursday, I have read tons of great information. My outlook now is to follow "Plan A" (there is an article here that will tell you all about that) and to do what I can to save my marriage. If it works out, and I remain hopeful, I will be thrilled and if it doesn't I will have done everything I could to save it.<BR> I wish there was a magic place to e-mail all our heartache and pain to, but we have to be strong and think with a logical head.<BR> Be thankful you found this site and I hope you find much strength and support as you read !!<BR>Heartbreak25130