for the last month my h and i have argued off and on about a woman he works with. we was married 20 years last week, and unfortunately he had to work with IT. i was given a diamond anniversary ring,(real expensive, he showed me the apraissel), that i really feel was a gesture of his happiness, and love for me, but at the same time it also makes me think its a cover(i think i am going crazy). i found a note, (that started this whole mess), that talked about oral sex, going back to the well, etc., (was definately his writing), I was very upset, naturally he denies it, it was only useless words. my feelings is, why would you write something that has no meaning. anyways, he still denies, especially that it is the woman he is partners with, each unit has to have a partner on the road, 12 hour days, 3 days wk. i have asked him nicely to give this woman up as his partner, but he has claimed that it is not her, that she would have to change shifts, etc. well like i told him, "who cares if she has to change shifts"! "not me, and why should he. his response she does. his cell phone bill, which i see, has her # on it, well he denies that it is her #, it is a man's, called the # and well this man does not live there she says, i have wrong #. this # and her cell phone # (known for fact), have the same exact voice. Well sex isn't sex anymore, he always seems to be somewhere else, a kiss isn't a kiss, and he just don't do the things he use to. he tries, but i do definately notice a difference. Here's the big ?. i have become sooo obsessed with all this that i have done some stupid things. since i have her #, unfortunately i have called it, 99% of the time i hang up when she answers, but i just want to tell her off. but don't for fear of really screwing my marriage up. except on day recently, can't remember when, i did call and tell her that "she needs to stop f***** around with a married man." and i felt really guilty for it. well last night my h asked me for the "phone bill", i denied it came yet. so i have been thinking, maybe i should say, here is the phone bill, let him see that yes i have called her house, not deny anything! and i know that calling her was wrong. But since i am being "open and honest", lets hear what you have to say to on "open and honest". my questions will be, do you care for her in ways that you should care for me, have you had sex with her, and if you have or do, are you willing to give her up?" am i going to far, i think i need to do this, but i am totally "afraid". Anyone with a opinion? please help! we are to go on vacation in 2 weeks, and i don't want to blow it, our teenage son is really looking forward to this as i am. I have also considered telling h that if he wants to go on with this w, then he has to make everything look good until after we get back from vacation, and then when we get back, he can leave. i think its kind of deceitful to our son, but why let his vacation that he has been looking forward to go up in smoke, because of some woman. I told him 3 days ago that i was going to get counseling, i have anxiety, which part of me thinks this won't go away with my feelings, until i get control of them. I have the book "marriage insurance" and it says that this is one of the first steps that has to be done, so i made the appt., and will go in 3 days. H is not happy, because i blame myself for all of this, including the note, and feel like a lousy wife because i have caused us both pain. He has said before with all this going on i need help, and now that i am trying to get it, he don't like it. my feelings is " if i want to save our marriage, either way, i have to do this for myself first." <BR>So Please, Please, Please..someone give me some advice, i would definately appreciate it and need it.<BR>

Welcome to MB, but I am sorry your circumstances bring you here. Please know that getting on track and learning some things will help your situation.<P>Please begin by scrolling down a bit in the Just Found Out topics, and read the Welcome messages, and the other informational posts by Onegoing, NSR and Worthatry. And you'll want to spend a good bit of time reading the principles on the Marriagebuilders web-site. It's worth every word and every minute you invest.<P>You need to learn about Plan A, and begin implementing it as soon as possible. It is about learning about your H's needs, the things that push him away (Love Busters), and making improvments to yourself that will help YOU, and that he will notice. Yes, you need to get control of your emotions. You can do it. Learn some things here, that will help tremendously. I suggest that you quit asking your H questions and quit bugging him about the woman. Show him a peaceful, calm, all-together, feminine YOU. THis will be the best way to get his attention. And it will take time, so Patience is another thing to learn (I sure had to learn that one - and I'm still learning!!!) I threw a few temper tantrums when this stuff started happening to us, but they got me nowhere! And pushed him away!<P>Please read. You will find peace in finding some answers here. And keep posting and asking specific questions so we can try to help you.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<P>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 02, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 02, 2001).]

so do i show him the bill, and confess. I don't want to fight! Thanks