I found out a month ago that my husband had an affair for at least 4 of the 5 years we have been married. He has known OW for 12 years and cheated on his ex-wife with her as well. His affair ended with her a year ago (he no longer travels to her city)but they have kept in touch via phone and e-mail. He admitted that he slept with her from time to time before we were married, stopped for a couple of years,and then resumed again after the birth of our first child.<P>When I asked him why he did this he insists it was "just sex". He says he does not love her but when he traveled out of town he would go to bars with her and it would happen. He says he realizes how selfish and immature he has been. He insists he loves me and is not unhappy. He says he wants to stay with me and the children and grow old together. <P>Shortly after I found the e-mail that revealed this affair I found another from a different woman. Turns out she lives within an 1.5 hrs of our house and he travels to her city regularly on business. After many lies and evasions he admitted that he met her in Jan of this year and would go to dinner/dancing/bars with her when in her town. He insists they have never slept together but admits to one kiss and a hug. I find this hard to believe because I found a dinner receipt for a dinner for two in another city he travels to frequently. She apparently drove to meet him and he insists that she met him for dinner because she was going to visit friends in that city (hard to believe)! He says he has not had any contact with her since that time - before I found out. This isn't the first time he has had a female "party" buddy and when I have confronted him in the past he always told me I was wrong, it was just friendship and would lie and cover up.<P>The only reason why I haven't walked out the door is because we have two young children (4 and 2). I admit that part of me is still in shock,and I think a part of me still loves him. I feel as if my whole life with him has been a lie though. All I can think of is that while I was taking care of our children, pregnant with our daughter he was cheating on me. Every memory I have is now tied to the fact that he was seeing her at the same time. He has gone through some tough job changes in the last 5 years but I don't think any of that can excuse what he did. We are seeing a marriage counselor right now.<P>My question is - if somebody has lied this long is it even worth trying to save? I could maybe understand with the birth of children, job changes the temptation but he cheated on me even when we were in the "honeymoon" phase.<P>

Welcome <B>MPP</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Of course it's worth a try!... Why else would you be here.<P>He needs to know what you've learned...<BR>...but that doesn't mean force it down his throat!<P>Try the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>!<P>Leave it around... for his to find...<BR>...and let him know... lovingly... that your marriage needs work!<BR>...and that a commitment by him will be needed...<BR>...and soon. (that you bein honest about your needs_<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>...it may confuse him a bit...<BR>...that's OK... either he'll get it or not...<BR>...and then you won't be up in the air about it "being worth a try"... <P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

MPP,<P>I'm new here, but not new to H having affairs so thought I would share some of my experiences and ideas that have come out in our conversations.<P>Seems, through our 18 year relationship, my husband also has had a string of affairs, both emotional & emotional/physical and lots of tries that didnt pan out.<P>He thinks (and I agree) that this has all been for his own self protection and comes from his frightening experiences as a child in a family with 2 alcoholic parents. <P>The more he loves me, the more threatened and vulnerable he is, the more he needs to line up support on the side.<P>Sounds feasable. I don't know what else can explain a spouse carrying on in such a way, even in the best parts of marriage and when you enjoy what seems to be a healthy emotional/physical bond.<P>What do others think? Am I looking for excuses for him? Should I we give up on the why's of affairs and focus only on the methods to save our heads?<P>Good luck MPP<P>It is worth it if you love him. Seems clear he loves you - just not sure how to handle it well.<P>Love is scarey.<P>

My X cheated on me countlesssssss times. We were not married but the pain was just the same. He traveled for a living and I would from time to time get phone calls from women who would either hang up on me or tell me about it. Nice, huh? He denied everything. I am now happily married to a non-cheating man. He is beautiful and deserves all of me. But.................I find it hard to believe a man would want to be with me exclusivly. Every day I deal with that. I still call my X-BF and don't know why. Prior Infidelity reaches farther than we think it does. Any clues?

NSR,<BR>Thanks for the words of advice. I had read some of Plan A but went back and did again. We had already done the emotional needs questionnaire. He has a high need for affection but interestingly enough when I asked him if OW fulfilled that for him he said not really. His response was that sometimes maybe a "guy is just a guy". <P>Running on faith,<BR>I don't know either if it's better to try and figure out why or just work on marriage. My concern is that if we never understand why then it will happen again. I hate not being able to trust him and I guess that's the biggest fear I have. He swears he has seen the error of his ways but it went on for so long. If he has never been faithful to me can he start now?<P>Thanks for your replies - I guess the only thing to do now is take it one day at a time.

Meeting ENs is important...<P>Communications... (what are the actions he would like)... have to come out!<P>A couselor like Steve or Jennifer...<BR>...can open up your H... with time!<P> <P>Jim

Yes, it is worth saving. But it takes a lot of hard work on both parts (which I know seems very unfair since HE did the cheating). My H also lied, but for almost 6 years about a physical affair with my (former) best friend. We were separated almost a year because of what I was told was an emotional affair only. <P>Well, I found out that after she pretended to "end it" and still be my friend, they were sneaking around having sex. INCLUDING IN MY BED which is the cruelest, lowest thing they could have ever done to me. I am in the process of re=doing the entire room. He told the counselor he didn't think it was "necessary" to spend the money right now. She let him have it!<P>I'm like you, the lying and betrayal are the hardest to deal with. I also feel like how can I trust somebody who's capable of lying for that long and so convincingly? He also exposed me to the threat of stds but didn't think I was important enough to tell. What it boils down to is he was covering his butt from the consequences. If I had known the truth back then, I would never have taken him back that quickly. I would have never slept with him that soon and I would have insisted he get tested for stds.<P>He did get tested (but only cuz I insisted) last week. He said it hurt, I said good. I know that's terrible but 5 minutes of pain is not much after 6 years of lying and being with my best friend 6 months after she married his friend.<P>The counselor will help with the lying and trust issues. If not, find another one. OUrs said my H has to go "above and beyond" to prove he is worthy of my love. I know he's trying but it's very hard to want to be with him right now.<P>I know you can do it, especially for those little kids. I can't have kids and received another blow when I found out recently the other woman is pregnant (must be working on marriage #3 I guess). Prayer helps a lot too. Take care of yourself right now. If you need to separate for a bit, it can really help you to think clearly. Good luck. We are all here to support you.