This is my first attempt at this. Sorry for all the mistakes. I have been married for 4 yrs and 8 months. I have not given my wife what she needs emotionaly. She had an affair with her maried boss who lives in another state. It is killing me. She says that she ended it, but she says that she will still be friends with him. I dont believe her. I wont to change the things that I did to cause this. I think that I can do that. <P>I love her and my children. I havent handled this very good. I called all her coworkers and told them and put everything she owned in the garage. I called everyone in both families and told them. She wont talk to any one of them. We separated several times due to fighting when I started to fidgure it out. I have sence moved it back in and she and the girls moved back in after several weeks after I first found out. She told me in the beggining that she loved him. She now tells me that she doesnt but also says that she doesnt know how she feels about me. She sometimes says that she loves me and others she says that she doesnt know. She says that she needs time. She says she doesnt know what she wonts. She says that I am not giveing her space to fidgure this out. I cant keep from pushing all the issues and I continue to break down in front of her and cry alot. I have done some crazy stuff like shooting a hole in the roof of our new home. I am going crazy. I tried to leave and she was calling me up within two days to tell me to come home. Then when I did she tried to say it was at a weak moment that she wonted that. She consumes herself in her job, the gym and how she looks, like buying cloths and stuff she doesnt need. She says that I need to wait and let what happens happen. She says that she wonts counceling, but wont go and get it. She says that she doesnt know what she wonts. She then says that part of her loves me and part of her hates me.<P>I am going to try and leave again for a few days and see what happens. I feel like hell when Im not with her and like hell when I am. I wont her to love me again. I keep telling her that I need someone to love me and hold me, and she says that she cant. She says that she is still mad at all the things that I did after I found out about the <BR>affair.<BR>We have been together sexualy twice after the affair. The first time she wonted me and was sober, and the second time I got her drunk. Now when I push the issue she says no.<P>She is also hitting the bottle to get through this.<BR>I really need help. I wont to save it if I can, but everything I do is wrong. I need good advice, before I act.

Richard,<BR>Welcome to Marriagebuilders Forum and I'm so sorry you have found a need to be here. First, take a deep breath and STOP fighting. Second, READ!! I know that's the last thing you want to do right now but it is essential. Read ALL parts of this site, starting with the General Welcome by OneGoing. Don't skip across parts,,read it ALL, because eventually it's all going to make sense and you're going to need this info. <P>You've discovered one of the most hurtful, devestating things a person can discover during their marriage. You are not alone. Unfortunately you are going to meet alot of people here experiencing the same problems and working on solutions, helping each other through this. But you HAVE to understand the basic Marriagebuilders concepts and principles to get the best benefit. Please, take the time to read.<P>You said your wife is agreeable to counseling. Counseling is offered on this site also by the Harleys and I understand they are excellent.<P>First, don't argue and fight with your wife. Don't move out or encourage her to move out. You CAN work on this together, get past this and have a better marriage than you ever thought possible. It's going to take work,,but you CAN do it. First suggestion,,Plan A,,and you will know what this is and how it works by reading that General Welcome <P>Your reactions to her affair are understandable but obviously, from what you've seen so far, they aren't going to work to repair your marriage. Richard, keep posting, and I can't stress enough,,READ!! You can make it through this.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Richard:<BR><B> I have not given my wife what she needs emotionaly. She had an affair with her maried boss who lives in another state. It is killing me. She says that she ended it, but she says that she will still be friends with him. I dont believe her. I wont to change the things that I did to cause this. I think that I can do that.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Richard: I feel for your situation! I have been married for 24 years to a wonderful W, but sometimes we guys have a tendency to become complacent. Know what I mean? We don't mean to not fulfill our spouses needs, but it sometimes happens anyway.<P>I think you have the right attitude to want your W to love you. The problem is, you are like me, in that you have a tendency to panic! You need to calm down, and concentrate on making yourself so WONDERFUL, that your W would be a fool to leave you! Know what I mean?<P>Start working out, make yourself look good for her, and concentrate on her EN's! <P>Worst case senario........You become a wonderful, loving, caring, person! If she still leaves you......You won't feel guilty, because you were great to her! Make sense?<P>NO LB'S!!! Good luck, and God Bless you!<P>HT <P> <P>[This message has been edited by HurtTired (edited August 06, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by HurtTired (edited August 06, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by HurtTired (edited August 06, 2001).]