Hi guys, I haven’t posted in a few days but something’s have happened and I need some out side insight please. I know this will be a long post, I need to dump a little as well but any opinions and takes will be greatly appreciated.<P>Let me update you on what has happened, I have spent most of this week, almost every day, with my family in some way. On Thursday and Friday night I was helping W get things together for a yard sell. On both nights she had me over for dinner and made some excuse for me to take her car home, later she said it gave them an excuse to see me during the day. When she picked up her car on Friday she even left me a note in my car just to say HI. On Friday after dinner we took my D to get ice cream and I LBeb big time. W started telling me about some thing that had happened a week ago and I don’t know it just hit the right nerve that night. I started to tear up and she got angry and said she couldn’t believe that I was getting upset for no reason. Well I had my reasons and when I explain myself she began to tear up and apologized for not considering my feeling in the matter. Afterward we had a real good time playing around, basically she put ice cream in my face and it went from there. Later that night as we were getting things together for the next morning she said, “I’m going to make a phone call while you’re out side”. I knew whom she was calling, OM, I tried to not let it get to me but I LBed again. When I came back in she asked if I was going to stay the night because we had to be up early, I said NO that I felt uncomfortable and that I only live two blocks away. She said it was the phone call wasn’t it, I said in part it was, she got angry again but she said she was angry because she had done it again and not considered my feelings. I also later found two photo albums from when we were dating that I was going to take back to my place and she said she wanted them. I left them there and went home.<P>On Saturday morning as we had our yard sale my D was playing with me and she had a stuffed baby sheep. My D asks me “are you happy dad” (she’s been doing this a lot lately) I said yes then she asked her mom, she said the same. I asked her she said yes so I asked what about the baby sheep is she happy, she said “no her daddy left and hasn’t come home” you might as well have ripped my heart out then, this from my two year old daughter. My W wouldn’t even look at me, later she said, “you know someday when they are old enough to understand they are going to blame me because it’s all my fault”, what can you say to that, I said nothing. We were talking later about how I had started to work out and W wants to make me pasta dishes to put away for my meals, I said no need and she got mad again and said that even if she didn’t have the right to care about me that she still does and wants to and no one is going to take that away from her. I also when in the house alone saw a letter addressed to OM so I picked it up to take a look. I was sealed put I could see some of the letter through the envelope. All I made out was (romantic relationship but I feel you are my true soul mate; haven’t be able to spent much time with you; I love you and hopefully you are my fate) it was only a one page letter but it bothered me quite a bit. Later that afternoon every one laid down for a nap, long day, and I rocked my D. When she was asleep I put her in the bed with W, W rolled over and asked was I happy I said yes what about you, she grabs my hand and says Yes I really am. That night the W and I went to the movies and I guess OM paged her put she turn her pager off and never called him back. After we got the kids home and in bed she asked what I had planned for next weekend and if I could watch the kids Friday and Saturday, she wanted to go out of town and would be back on Sunday. I said sure and asked were she was going she said I didn’t want to know. I knew she’s planning to go away with OM, but I agreed to watch the kids anyway. This morning she called and asked if I wanted to come over and do some laundry and spend the day with them but tonight they had dinner plans, I asked where she said you don’t want to know, I said with OM, she said yes. Well I went over any way and we had a good day, when I was things together she said she’d call me later that they wouldn’t be long and I could get my laundry. When it was time for them to get ready I started to leave she gave me a hug and told me what a good time she had and I said to call me later if it wasn’t to late but I could get my laundry tomorrow. She said that she was going to call anyway and maybe I could come over and have a beer with her.<P>After I got home this afternoon I talked to my MIL about all this and she said that she had noticed similar things over the past few weeks. She seems to think that it’s almost over and that W and OM relationship is on the rocks. She sees the letter as my Ws way of holding on as long as she can but the writing is on the wall and W may even see it. MIL has noticed that W doesn’t seem too much care about what OM thinks anymore at least not like before; she would do anything to make him happy. She thinks the trip this weekend may push it even more, my W can’t be away from the kids for more than a day without even talking to them, much less two days. I know this has been a real issue with OM as of late. He’s a controlling person who wants her total attention when they are together, kids mess that up. I just wanted you guys to give me your opinions on all this. W has made a point of telling me she still needs me her best friend several time and she has let me know at the end of each day that she had a good time and gives me a hug. I’m not sure what to think; I’m plan Aing and trying to change the things I know I need to change in me. I would love to believe as my MIL does but I’m afraid that I will just set myself up for a big disappointment. Well I hope I didn’t make this to long for anyone to read. Thank all of you for your continued help and support, I pray for you all every day.<P>silwl<BR><p>[This message has been edited by silwl (edited August 05, 2001).]

you have her love, but have lost her respect. women must have both love and respect for their men. when her affair is over you will still be 2nd best in her life. she certainly doesn't deserve you and you damn sure don't deserve her. you deserve much better. I know you love her and are doing much of this for children. they may , yrs from now, tell you that you should have left her irregardless. that has happened. if you file for the divorce I believe it will make her see you in a different light. sometimes thats just the wake up call that wayward spouses have to have. keep posting and stand up for yourself many of us hurt for you God bless you

FWIW, I agree with Joell.<P>Bob

hi...I'm new to all this, so I hope it's ok that I reply-I just wanted to say that I also agree with both the above, you have lost your own self respect, and if you don't have respect for yourself- your W never will...not to mention your kids...or is it just the one? anyway...<P>I think you should tell your W that you are done playing games, you do love her and your daughter, and want to remain an intact family- but that can't happen when she is involved with OM... so either she dumps him permanently and completely- or you are going to your attorney- oh and BTW, tell her you plan on getting custody of your daughter...just by the little of what you said in your post, I certainly don't think you want your child around OM! ...she will be better off with you... And remember this is just my opinion (and I am new to this board, and not actually dealing with a cheating spouse-him or myself) but do NOT be her babysitter so that she can go off for a weekend of fun and games with the OM!!

silwl,<P>I have read some of your posts, but honestly don't remember a great deal. But from your postings, I would have to differ with the others here.<P>I think your MIL is probably right, your Plan A is working, and your W is very confused. From your perspective Confusion is very good, it means she is going to have to think rather than just follow her "soulmate" everywhere.<P>It would seem that you are doing well, there will be steps forward and then steps back, but I think you are doing this about right. The friends thing is so normal because she doesn't want to face what she has done. But I do think that she is developing a bit of a sensitivity to what she is putting you through.<P>Personally, I would try not to cry in front of her too much, however, if she asks what is wrong, be honest with her but try not to LB. There is an element of the previous posts to you that you need to consider. If the OM is becoming more controlling and demanding of her time, that is good. But you need to appear to her as a strong man as well.<P>Now, here is the fine line. If you muscle up one day and say "fine I've had it, here are the divorce papers", that may percipitate a knee jerk reaction from her to leave OM, but will probably not end things the way you want. If you do the "whatever you want dear", thing she may not view you as a strong man. Although putting up with what you have takes tremendous strength. Plan A is not for wimps.<BR>It is tough.<P>So maybe you need to consider boundaries, I don't remember the issues you have identified that you think led to her finding OM, so I am reluctant to say withdraw from her abit.<P>Never the less, developing a life, doing things you enjoy, making yourself happy are things that will help you no matter what, and will indicate without ulitmatum that you are capable of moving on if necessary.<P>Frankly, it seems that what you are doing now, is working. But consider the image you project to her.<P>THat is my take on it. I hope that you have gotten some counseling. If not, Steve Harley is a master tactician in these matters and may well be worth consulting with on this matter.<P>Hope something I have said, helps. By the way, did she call you later in the evening so you could go get the laundry??<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL<P>Thanks and I agree with what you are saying, I posted this same topic under GQII and got some responses similar to yours, I also gave some updates if you want to check it out. I'm gonna post another topic under GQII later today when I get a chance, take a look and give me your input.<P>silwl

silwl,<P>I will try to read them, but for some reason I seem unable to get to the General Question forum today. Who knows why?<P>I would ask you one thing. Have you heard any more about your job possibilities on the East Coast? If so, what is the news?<P>I will try to get over there when I can.<P>Take care. Remember the time may come when you need to do what has been suggested by the others here, but for right now work on yourself, make yourself happy, and try to spend a few days with no contact with her every now and then.<P>It will help you clear your mind, and it may make your W realize that you won't always be there. Because quite frankly the time will come when you will decide not to be.<P>God Bless,<P>JL