HI, I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been unfaithful to me. We have not been getting on for a while, even tho we have only been married for a year.<BR>He loves music and loves to go to nightclubs to listen to music. Well it has now transpired that he has on 4 recent occassion picked up other women there. This has made me sick at heart and I find it hard to trust him.I am trying to stay married and to give him his space at home to work on his pc and basically be more aware of his boundaries, which he said has been one of the problems.<P>I have ALWAYS felt uneasy with him going to night clubs, even tho he always used to say he was only listening to the music. I felt uncomfortable with him going out a couple pof times a week at 11.30pm..midight onwards, while I was asleep. I work and he doesnt as he has an anxiety disorder. He sleep all day and is awake all night.<P>I do go to clubs with him in the weekends, but weeks nights are too tiring for me, plus he sometimes wants time to himself. I dont feel we need to be joined at the hip either. I enjoy window shopping and visitting my female friends alone also.<P>It is now at the point where I really dont feel secure with him going out alone late at night after what has happened. I dont want a situation either where he feels he has to check in with me as if I am his mother either as I dont think that would go far in helping our marriage.<P>How do I deal with the feelings I am having? I want to cry all the time and curl up in a ball in bed when I get home from work.<BR>I dont think throwing it up in his face will help, so I keep everything to myself and feel I am dying inside.<P>I want to be able to cope and stop these feelings eating me up. How do I do that?<P>My previous husband of 14 years did the same thing to me and was fully supporting anotehr woman as his mistress for the final 6 yrs of our marriage. Do I have a light flashing on my head that attracts certain people? This wqas one area where my husband(present) and I had both said we would not tolerate transgressions, now here I am trying to keep my mariage together.<P>I dont feel I can go away on vacation with my son or a friend as my husband will be out sleeping around when I am not there. Itnow looks as tho part of my role at work is going to mean I am away overnight a few times a year. I feel sick at the thought as I feel my husband will then be out all night for any night I am not there. HELP!! I cant bear thisanymore<P>I mean, I know he can sleep around in the day, or in the short time he is out at night( he has proven this already!), but going away and him being at home, just makes me sick inside. I need to be able to focus and cope and get on with life.<P>He has apologised for hurting me and said he wont do it again, but how can I trust him? He has already done it and I feel that once this vow has been broekn it is so easy to do the same again,especially when he will be surrounded by women at clubs. Anotehr part of me says that all I can do is try and get on with life and not obsess on it. HOW DO I STOP OBSSESSING??? Any help will be appreciated. I feel alone<P>

whisper,<P>I'm sorry it has taken so long for a response to your post and I sincerely hope you are still reading. <P>The pain of discovering your H's betrayal hurts really bad and I understand your fears. Been there too. Please read ALL parts of this website and you'll understand some possible suggestions and remedies. <P>Is counseling an option? There is counseling available on this site and of course, you could get your own. I think your H needs to understand how hurtful it is for him to go to these clubs without you. And unnecessary. In the POJA, he wouldn't go if it causes you pain and anxiety. If club hopping is a need of his, it should be done WITH you, when you are able to participate. IMHO, this is NOT too much to ask of him since you are working and he is unable. Check in with you? Sorry, I don't consider this "checking in". I consider this a part of the partnership of marriage, the POJA. <P>The obsessing will ease as the trust returns. But it's going to take a "constructive" effort on both parts,,your AND HIS. If you could see some real efforts on his part, some understanding of your fears and an agreement to do all possible to ease those fears, your obsessions would fade.

Hi Whisper--<P>I too am sorry for our response delay. It's our fault, be patient with us! I usually post under Emotional Needs and I know you'd get quicker responses there as well as General Questions II. <P>May I ask how you found out about your H's activities? Did he confess or did you find out another way and then confront him? Doesn't really matter, except perhaps concerning his willingness to correct these problems.<P>We've only been married for 2 years ourselves, and come from very different backgrounds (H is from NY and is Italian, while I'm a southern gal). We had quite a bit of adjusting in our relationship too, and no, it wasn't easy! We didn't have to deal with actual infidelity but we had our share of confusions, jealousies, and combative poor communication which made us miserable. Sometimes I feel like our past problems were quite similar to the pain of actual infidelity--H managed a metal band and bartended, and now he manages a strip club. Our past fights have been doozies!<P>I can attest to the power of following MB concepts. And it started with only me in the lead. We are communicating much better, our fights are few and far between, and we automatically discuss everything in POJA style. It took awhile to get to this point, but VERY worth it. I know some of what you're going through, that need of an H (supposedly) to have his space, to do "that thing" he wants to do, with or without you. Despite your misgivings...DESPITE your upsets. <P>Read everything you can at the web site. The concepts are very simple, yet effective. I would suggest you begin an immediate Plan A. Ask your H if you both can fill out the Emotional Needs and Lovebusters Questionnaires and discuss your answers. Don't push it too hard right now if he baulks, but mention the positives you think you may have found here. Interest him. The really great part of the concepts is that they are designed to help couples BOTH find happiness...it's not a matter of one being right and the other wrong. There is no such thing. The key is finding what uniquely works for your relationship within the standard guidelines. <P>I'm also a firm believer in marriage counseling. We went for a few months, and now are relying on MB. If counseling is possible, do go. Find a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable--shop around.<P>Thoughts...oh, poppycock that he HAS to listen to music at nightclubs. If it's really music he's interested in he could supplement that by turning on the stereo sometimes, and then you can accompany him to clubs on the weekends. This will be a matter of Give and Take (a really good Harley book, by the way). Read up on negotiation techniques...it's important to remain calm during discussions, acknowledge each other respectfully, whether you agree or not. Continue discussions on subjects in question until you compromise. <P>You will learn here that "checking up on each other" is not a bad thing when it becomes natural to just honestly share everything about your days, hopes and dreams. And you CAN get to that point! You can also recover from your recent pain...with time, gradual return of trust, and continuing to work toward apply MB concepts in your relationship.<P>Keep posting. I think it really helps to write down jumbled thoughts, hopefully it will help you too. And keep reading. Best wishes.<P>Laura<P>