This is my second post. My H (11 yrs) had an affair and I believe him when he tells me it's over. Her, I'm not so sure about. I believe that when he ended it with her he was sincere but I think she kept calling him and he felt guilty because she left her husband thinking that he was going to leave me and they would live happily ever after. I've fought tooth and nail to save my marriage and I'm not about to give up.<P>I find that every few days I have another dilemma presented to me and I think it's probably because of all the lies and dishonesty. I really need some insight and advice about what to do with this one.<P>My mother took my daughter for a couple of weeks and I have to drive there to pick her up this weekend. He doesn't want to come (that's normal, he hates the drive), it's about a 5 hour drive. I'm so afraid that if I go for the weekend he will get in touch with her or she'll find out that I'm out of town and start calling him. I told him I was afraid to go because of my fear. I'm at the point where I'm debating if I should just send my daughter home by train and stay home for the weekend. I know that trust will take time. He has lied so much the past 6 months that all trust I had for him is pretty much out the window. Before this, I trusted him completely. He's told me not to worry that he doesn't want to be with her it's me that he wants and that if I go he will be at his friends this weekend helping him build a fence. I know that sooner or later I will have to give him the benefit of the doubt and start trusting him but it's too soon for me to do that right now. The wound is still too fresh. I want to believe him and I want to trust him but I'm so afraid of being hurt AGAIN!!! He has lied so much that when I would say OKAY this time he means it a couple of weeks later we would end up in square one again. I would get my hopes up saying okay this time it's going to be okay and then my world would crash on me again. I'm afraid to even say that this time he means it because of the pattern. It's happened three times to be exact, I'm not looking forward to a fourth time and want to avoid it at all costs. I don't want advice from my friends because they all think I should dump him and start over but I love him too much to do that. <BR>One more thing that makes me want to believe and trust him is that he went to see his friends and apologize to them for putting them in a situation that they should never have been involved in and has told them that he loves me and knows that I'm the woman for him. I want so much to believe him and get on with my life again and trust him again. I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive. Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this one. Should I just go and "Live and Let Live"? Or, pay the train ticket for my daughter to come home by train (she's 13 and cousin is 12)?<P>HELP!!!!!<P>Heartbroken

Are you able to afford to hire a private investigator to watch him entirely for those two days? They can even track where the car goes! My friend used one, and she got the truth about what she feared. Pictures and all. Pay for it in a way he won't find out, just in case (hopefully) he's on the level with you then it won't cause any problems. You can then go get your daughter, and know that whatever happens, happens, you'll be able to find out and not just wonder. And we all know what that feels like. I'd rather know the truth than just keep wondering. If he's still seeing her, better you find out sooner than later. While you are driving, think about what steps you will take IF the worst happens. Buy him a little gift while you're gone, either way, you'll add to the Love Bank!<P>My therapist said there's no wrong in checking up (hense, my post) because (1)if he's doing it, you need to know (2)if he's innocent, you will feel so much better knowing and be able to function again.<P>Paranoid is a word my husband kept using with me. The therapist asked him not to use that word, it is degrading, to use "fear" instead. Once said, I felt better already. And I hope you will too.<P>My prayers are with you for the weekend. Let us know how it turns out and be careful driving.<P><BR>

Well, I decided not to go. They're coming home by train. I want so much to believe him but I'm having such a hard time because in the past six months he's done this three times with the OW who just happened to have been a friend of ours.<P>He's going golfing today and I'm wondering if it's just a ploy to throw me off. I don't have the money to hire a detective (I wish I did). However, I do have friends that will let me know if they see anything (we all work at the same place), he has promised no contact with her. I'm working on Plan A. I have someone I can talk to so that I don't keep bringing this up in his face all the time, I do not want him to think of me as nagging and not giving up and seeing her as the wonderful person. I'm working very hard on this. I do add to the love bank and I'm seeing him contributing not as much as me but nevertheless he's making an effort. I can imagine his turmoil as well and I have to understand that.<P>The trust is completely gone and sometimes I don't know if it's my head or my heart talking. I have to have faith and hope and prayers and that's what has been keeping me going. Plus the fact that I know and believe he loves me and that the OW is definitely not his type even if we were to go our own ways I would give it a year max. He's filled with guilt because she left her husband thinking that he was going to leave me and be with her. I messed up his plans when I got into therapy and started working on myself and doing whatever I could to save my marriage. I don't know if I or we can save it but I'm not going to just give up. I love my husband. I believe that if he really wanted to leave he would have in February when he said he wanted a divorce and I don't think he would have told me about the affair (in May), I have to believe this it keeps me going. Behind every cloud is a silver lining and in a way I can thank him for this because if this had not have happened I would not have gotten into therapy and got help for my part in the failure of our marriage. <P>hrtbrkn

Hi Heartbroken,<P>Have you read all the info here? The basic concepts, plan a, plan b, surviving an affair, his needs/her needs, etc? Also have you been able to take advantage of the phone counseling services here? <P>It will do you good. It will take some time but trust is a time consuming issue to deal with, you can not just turn it on and off. <P>I would like to share a post about the 5 stages of grieving. This is in addition to the other items listed above. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>2 very helpful persons on the divorce site helped me understand the range of my emotions that goes along with most A's. The BS goes through many emotions as well and understanding this will help us get prepared and be in a better position to recovery ourselves. <P>I hope this helps. <P>L. <P>

Heartborken,<BR>I underastand exactly what you are talking about. Read my post in PlanA/PlanB, "plan B shot to Hell". i felt I could trust my wife of 22 years. i found her cheating. promised to work things out after i discovered her online afair...4 weeks later (an I am gone) she went right back to it. Be careful and aware!!. i hated to look up on mine but privacy, in a marriage, is an earned privilge not a right.<P>bgun

Hi, I usually post in D/D, but again it's slow, so I'm browsing.<P>Can I offer you my experience? The trust thing after an affair is a bummer. My h had an A in Nov-Feb or so, and I just couldn't bring myself to trust him when he said it was over. I kept looking for signs, snooping, giving him hell. Other than that I was Plan Aing, but LB'ing because of my feelings regarding lack of trust and forgiveness.<P>One day I decided it was all ripping ME apart. I decided I was consciously going to forgive and trust him RIGHT NOW. I told him. But it was too late. I had put him under so much pressure for six months, that he just couldn't believe me, and he left about 10 days later.<P>Pleae, please, if you want your marriage to work, you must absolutely must put it behind you and just give everything you can to the marriage now. I wish I could have earlier. I wish I never would have made him feel like al ouse for doing it, bringing up my paranoia all the time. Listen to one who knows. Really, find it in your heart to forgive him, and then just show him you love him....stop thinking about things that are probably not happening...bcause if you don't, as in my case, he will probably think, well she doesn't trust me anyway, and he'll go do it again.<P>Take care,<P>Nina<P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" - Nina's dad.

Heart:<P>You ask if you are being too paranoid. As per my post, I have been working through these feelings for about a year.<P>Don't worry if you can't let go right now. Ater 1 year, I am just starting to let the fear go. It will come. AND the bitterness and anger and fear have faded. I feel so different than I did 6 months ago, where every long drive to work was hell.<P>As I now feel better, I am allowing my fiance to be my confidant again, bit by bit.<P>This process takes time. You will not always live in fear. The 1 year mark has caused me to have a bad week, but otherwise I am healing.<P>Take care,<P>Robyn

HC,<BR>I read your post about it being one year. I, like you trust my H around other women but her I can't. I am reminded every single day of his A. I see her at work, I see her talking to OUR friends as if nothing ever happened. Every day I see her I want to hurt her physically. I sometimes wonder if she's talking to our friends as a way to find out what's going on in our lives and it makes me sick to my stomach. I think in some indirect way she's not given up even though my H tells me she hasn't tried to contact him in over a month. But, I have a hard time sometimes believing that. Last night I told him I trusted him with my heart and I meant it. I have never once during this whole fiasco doubted his love for me. But her I'm not sure if she's up to something or will play on his emotions.<P>Things are going great with us right now and with me. I go to Al-Anon twice a week and I'm taking care of myself now, but the fear is there that she will try again and I pray that my H is strong enough and believes in us enough that he won't let anything happen and I have to accept that even though it's very hard.<P>If he did not work here I think it would be easier to get over but knowing that the two of them are here and work in the same department although they have been separated from working with each other makes it very hard for me sometimes.<P>HB

Dear Heartbroken,<BR>I understand what you are going through, yet I hate to see you put your daughter's safety at risk because you feel like you have to police your husband's activities due to your fears of his cheating. God can't even stop a sinner from sinning, so what makes you think you can? (I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's the truth!!!)<P>Yes, fear is real but it is very negative and unproductive. It's going to keep coming against you until you decide to face your fear and let go of trying to control every situation.<P>Do you want your husband to be faithful to you out of devotion and desire, or because you are watching his every move and won't let him out of your sight? You can't live like that! Can you? I don't think so!<P>So my recommendation to you when the fear hits you next time is to pray, pray, pray, then do what you need to do in the midst of the fear. Personally, I would have been MORE afraid of my 13-year old traveling alone than my grown-up irresponsible husband and OW slut contacting each other...<P>Set him free from jail. Give yourself a break. Let go and let God secure you in HIS endless love for you.<P>(Recently, in SoCal a 12-year old girl was snatched into the men's restroom of a McDonald's family restaurant and raped. She was instructed to remain there after the perpetrator left. This poor girl is scarred for life because her mom left her unattended believing the girl could handle herself alone in public.) Please protect your daughter!!!!!! She should come first until the fog lifts!<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited August 24, 2001).]