3weeks ago, my wife told me she had an affair.It happend 5 years ago,but i'm so devastated,angry,stressed and depressed.I want to get revenge and have an affair of my own.I've been looking for an opportunity to come around,and if it does,i'm pretty sure i will not turn it down.She was my soul mate and i do not feel that she is any more.She broke my heart and i don't think i could ever get over it,let alone forgive her.what do i need to do get over these feelings ?

jkaloudis,<P> First let me welcome you to MB. I know that you are feeling right now. This is a good place to come and get support for this problem. I must ask you what good would it do to go and do that to your wife? It would make you just as wrong as she was when she had her A. Other than the A five years ago have there been any other problems? Do you have any kids? You need to read and learn as much as you can for this site. We are all here for you if you would like to vent your feelings.<P>Indy

I know you feel like you are at the bottom of a big, dark hole and you can never climb out. But speaking from the exact same experience, I know you can. My H had an affair with my ex best friend right about the same time. And yes, I just was told the truth a month ago. I never thought I could hurt like this again. When it happened, they claimed it was emotional only and convinced me so I believed them. It's awful going thru it twice. And having people say "oh but he's with you know, leave it in the past." I can't until I go thru all of the steps and feelings-grief, depression, betrayal, wondering if I could have stopped it, etc.<P>I pray that you will be able to go to counseling together. It saved our marriage. And maybe a brief separation so you aren't constantly surrounded by her and all the hurt right now. PLEASE DO NOT LOOK TO ANOTHER FOR 'REVENGE.' That's how my H's affair started, I feel she was looking to get even with her H for something he had done before they were married. It was NOT worth it, believe me. My H would beg you to reconsider. He is now living with the ugly, full force emotional consequences and it's no fun. Some days I am sad and cry most of the day, some days I hate them both and won't let him see my emotions as I feel he's lost that privilege, some days I'm silent, etc.<P>You do have to take care of yourself. Finding out after the fact is twice as hurtful because of all of the lying. I feel like all of the gains we made were a big lie. I wonder if every time we made love, he was really thinking of her. <P>Yes, we'll eventually get past it. But it will take time, courage, and for me prayer. Good luck. Don't give up. There's a great article by Psychology Today online called "Shattered Vows" that really explains how we feel. One of the best things I've read. I think you go to Find ARticles or something like that.<P>Please get to counseling. If she won't go, go alone. Take care of yourself. Let yourself remember you still love her if you do (I think you do or you wouldn't be so hurt). Most importantly, do NOT involve another person. It makes a much bigger mess. Good luck and I'll pray for you.

jklaoudis,<BR>My story is similar to yours. I found out about four moths ago and the a was 7 yrs ago. I lost 30 lbs in about 2 mo's. I had no appetite and couldn't concentrate on anything but anger and hurt. We went to counceling for awhile and the counciler sent me to get depression medicine. I took it for about a month and stopped. It took about three months to start feeling somewhat normal. I am doing plan A. Read about plan A in the sight. I still don't feel great about the marriage, but it's better. I have set a time limit for plan A. Time and patience is a necessary factor to help this situation. Don't make any rush decisions that will negatively affect the rest of yuor life. This is an extremely difficult situation, good luck.<BR>JDB

JK,<BR>I agree, don't do any thing you'll regret. I too have a similar situation. My wife W had an affair A four years ago this month. I found out 5 weeks ago. I also have had feelings of having an A. I know it would only cause more problems and probably end our marriage. I too feel like the past 4 years have been a big lie; our daughter was born only a year after her A and I always questioned if she was mine. I know what your going through, I also felt like we were sole mates. I can say things will get better, every day I feel a little better. It is difficult, but with time it will get better.<P>How has your marriage been from the time of the A until now? Are you willing to work it out? If you want to work it out don't have an A out of revenge, because it won't work out. Do what JDB said set a time limit, and don't make any decisions now, wait until your head is clear enough to know what you realy want.<P>Read through this sight, as you can see there are many people here that have very similar situations to yours and have or are feeling the way you do. I just posted on the recovery board last week asking if any other BS (betrayed spouces) feel like having an Affair, I know now that I am not the only one....<P>...Also you might show your Wife this sight, I'm sure it will help her as well.<P>Good luck, my prayers are with you.

Welcome <B>jkaloudis</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It is so easy to give into our emotions...<BR>...hate... revenge and anger... only builds on itself...<P>Take a breather...<BR>...read what is on these boards...<BR>...as much as you can!<P>Follow the links (underlined words)...<BR>...and you'll find "peace" by following Plan A...<BR>...(it might not give "happiness"... but happiness is fleeting... "peace" will last!)<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<BR>...find some "peace"!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>