I have a question that I hope you can answer. I have just recently found out (last week) that my wife has been having an affair for about the last month. Things between her lover and her came to a head because the feelings for each other became so strong that the lover threatened to tell if she didn't. This wasn't a pleasant surprise. I didn't really get upset and in fact I would like to try and work our problems out instead of getting a divorce. Here is the hook, even after admitting that there was an affair where several sexual encounters have occurred, she has very strong feelings for him and he has the same for her. I know that they talk on the phone once to twice a day. I don't think she is making attempts to see him any more but I know they have these strong feelings for each other. I have asked her to cut it off with him but she tells me that she can't because of both of their feelings. On the other hand she still feels something for me and doesn't want to hurt me either. She is undecided on which one of us to choose. I find this hard to understand and confusing to be with her yet I want to support her and push her in my direction. My questions would be Where am I heading now?, What should I do if I want to get her back in my life?, and Why can't she make that decision to end it with her lover? This is really driving me crazy because I feel that I'm hanging in the winds waiting for something to happen. Is this normal? I would assume that once an affair is let out of the bag the offending spouse would sever tie to the third person.<P>Confused

Wow, it is very interesting to read a story similar to my own. I just found out about a month ago, and in the last week, finally was able to get confirmation of the Who, and When aspects of the affair.Lasted somwhere under a year and was filled with tons of lies and even an account opened by the two parties. After leaving me in the dark for a week or two, they have decided that thier relationship just wouldn't work, because of the kids and spouses involved. They, or atleast she is very much inlove, or thinks she is anyway.I don't have any answeres, other than hang in there, it will work out for the best one way or the other. In our case, we have agreed to try and work through things.

BeenCheatedOn,<P>Hey there, hang tough. My story is similar to yours except my W (WS) ended the A a month prior to confessing and hasn't had contact since.<P>I knew and even my W admitted that her A was totally 101% out of charactor for her. Being that, I knew that there must have been a strong emotional attatchment for it to happen and get physical, she agreed. I was fortunate that she did end it, confessed and wanted to work it out. I've since started a Plan A and read Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs and all the articles available in the MB site. <P>It's been 4 months since D-Day and I'm happy to report that things are going well. Our marriage is more rewardings and as of yesterday, I asked my wife if she was "in-love" w/ me, she looked at me and said YES This I don't think was accomplished without effort on both our parts.<P>I know the first that MUST happen is your W must end all contact w/ OM forever! As long as there is contact, a healthy recovery is impossible. Next, you must start a Plan A. Read all about it on this site and do the best you can. MY W's A was also short, about 3 months or so.<P>Good luck to you, post and read often.<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

O.K.<BR>Here is the latest. I found out that the reason I was told so early was she was being pressured by the OM to tell or he would. I don't know if this was an attempt by him because he was feeling guilty about the relationship or not. When I asked W about conversation she said it was not totally OM fault and he didn't want to do the A. Supposedly he tried to push her away. But then the story changes to he gave an altimatum that either she tells or he walks. So based on that information if she told and nothing happened then what would be the OM position. Would he feel guilty that we still had a connection. I think either one of them were trying to push me and see if I would throw her out. It really took my W by suprise and now she is giving our relationship a second look. She still talks to the OM at least once a day by phone and tomorrow she is going to spend so time with him to sort out her feelings. Sex between all parties at this time has ended, so I don't feel too bad if she went over there to talk. I want her to make the right decision and I don't really want her back unless she can say she is definately in love with me. I think that her A was ended prematurely were she didn't make that decision that must people make to either stay or go.