I'm not sure how this works - but here goes. I just found out two weeks ago my husband had an affair because I was not meeeting his sexual needs. The problem was "genuinely" I didn't know. He had many sexual partners, and I had 3. I knew we had a problem, but I did not think our marriage was built on "that" alone. Several occasions we argued, somethings he wanted I was just uncomfortable with, but it didn't mean I would get comfortable, but I guess in his mind I wouldn't ever. So met someone at work, and the rest is history. I'm not sure how long this sexual affair was going on, but I know last year he started spening alot of time on his computer - chat conversations, and so on, but he told me this was the first sexual incident.<BR>I'm not sure what to do right now - I want a divorce, I just want this to be over - the pain. I asked him to leave because I couldn't bear looking at him. Speaking with him makes me very upset, but I long to hear from him. How stupid is that. He doesn't want me to have the "other Woman" telephone number so now I feel like he is protecting her. Right now I feel like I am in a state of depression and I'm falling fast. He's not really making any attempt to make me "feel" any better, if I could. I think I should just call it quits - for the second time. This is my second marriage - possible this is why my first marriage broke up too.<P>Very, Very Sad.......HELP!<BR>

I know exactly how you feel except my H won't tell me what's going on....won't admit anything is going on. Today is my 37th birthday, and we had decided to take the day off together. How miserable it was. He basically did nothing to make me feel like today was my special day. He bought some clothes yesterday as a gift after I told him the only gift I wanted was the truth. Now he just asked if it was ok with me if he sleeps in the guest room. I really hate him and think a divorce is our only option since I don't want him to have his cake and eat it too. If you really want to know the OW's phone number, look under the white pages on the internet. You can find anyone as long as the number isn't unlisted, and sometimes even if it is. I know how you feel; because he won't tell me, I think the OW is definitely more important to him than me which makes me hate him even more! Keep coming to this website for support. It's helped me tremendously to know there are so many others in the same situation. I feel for you and for all of us.

I know how much you're hurting. I have been there twice. 6 years ago when I thought my H's affair with my best friend was emotional only, and now when I just found out the truth about their PHYSICAL affair. <P>I am here to tell you that it CAN work out between you. If you both commit to saving your marriage, and going to counseling. Prayer also works wonders. It's not easy but it's worth it. Our counselor says divorce is a short term solution to a long term problem. I agree. My divorced and remarried friends have told me that their 2nd marriage is no better than (and often worse than) their first. <P>Please don't do anything hasty right now. I can't even tell you all the stupid things I would have liked to do to the two of them. I'm glad now I didn't but sometimes I hate them both for what they did. This site has lots of good advice. Take care of yourself. Prayers to you.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Whyme?:<BR>Thanks sad1 and maggierose for your comments. Its been almost three weeks since he left, and I don't know where he is staying and I have no way of contacting him. A couple of friends of ours have been talking with us, but we have not been talking to each other. I don't feel I need to do anything, he should be doing everything if this is what he really wants. Based on his actions, I do not think he wants this marriage which I am cool with - just tell me that - and let me go on a heal. Out of the blue today he calls to see how I am doing - I wanted to say how do you think I'm doing, but I didn't. He called again this evening, but I went out with a friend, and he had the nerve to sound like he had an attitude because I wasn't home.<BR>This is getting to be a bit much. I gave my word that I would do anything right now - nothing hasty - but I'm telling you he needs help, and so do I. I have spoken with a counselor that will help me with my issues, and I pray that he would do the same.<P>

duplicate post<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sad1 (edited August 16, 2001).]

I agree...we did nothing, so I'm not initiating anything. If H wants to split up, he can file for divorce, etc. I'm staying right here and not doing anything hasty. I'm hoping that counseling will help me as much as it's helping you. I go to my/our first session tonight. Waiting for H to cancel out at last minute, but if so, I'll go myself.<P>I think I would feel a whole lot better if he would just admit his feelings for the OW and tell me he wants out. Some days I just want to scream. Right now, it's like he's lying low and letting the dust settle. Wants to pretend there's nothing happening, but then he sneaks phone calls when he thinks I'm in the shower. His work voicemail makes it so convenient for him; they just leave messages for each other on it. He told me yesterday that he often feels like giving up. I can't stand this turmoil. Wish I could finally find out what's going on!!!<P>

I hurt also but I refuse to give up on my wife for my daughters sake. Hold on to what you have. He has not left so he must want to stay. I do not know how much self inflicted pain the cheating spouse feels for hurting his loved ones. I think some of the problem is that it to hard for the ws to admit they where wrong and they self destruct taking the ones they love with them. I am trying to love my wife and prove that we are in love it is working so far but is vary painful to me. Men need love too so that is a good start. do what ever you did when you where dating have fun make him laugh talk to him. dont bring up the ow you want him to realize how special you are. I think in some cases that makes the ws hate themselves even more for awhile wondering how they could hurt the other one. I am guessing about the feeling of the ws but I think that is how I would feel good luck and stay strong

Thanks. I've been trying to do what you've said here, but I find that he's not really "with me" when we're doing things together. He doesn't talk, and sometimes he just sits and stares and all of the sudden, he smiles. I can't stand it when he does that. I'm sure he's recalling some experience they had together. If he would only talk to me about this. It's like he wants me to tell him to leave, and me to file for divorce. I think he just doesn't want to leave the house we worked so hard for all these years. Part of me thinks he wants me to move out so she can move in. I don't know. Everything we do together is "dutch treat" since we separated the bank accounts, and he won't do anything that he doesn't feel is worth the price or something he wants to do. I guess that's just continuing selfishness.<P>I've been trying Plan A for close to two months, and I don't think I can do it much longer. I do think it errodes your self esteem after a while.<P>Thanks for your encouragement. If I had children, I'd definitely have more incentive to work on this. Hopefully better days are ahead for all of us.

I do not know much for sure but from all the reading I have been doing about affairs I think they are symptoms of marraige problems. My wife has not been able to talk to me for 10 year well. I think the first affair was because she was young and intrested and the second is what I will call a exit affair she wants me to quit I will not and that frustrates her. Do not give up I am sure in my heart that love will fix things if you can stay there. I try to get my wife to look at our wedding pictures and realize how happy she was and then I tell her I can make her that happy again It is hard to take the abuse of silience he may be vary well be thinking how wonderful you are just as much as thinking of her. I know it is hard to compete with a fantasy but I know we can do it he will love you again. I tell my wife I am doing this and all I want in payment is for her to tell me she loves me again. Keep up the good work and you are stronger than he is remember that