My fiancee of over 2 years (we've been living together over 3 years) had been cheating on me. I found out "officially" 2 days ago by continuing to snoop. I obviously did not want to snoop, but my gut told me something was up. Anyway, I feel partly responsible in this as I was concsiously pushing her away for about the last year of our relationship. Talk about be careful what you wish for. She broke up with me and I have been fighting to get her back ever since. Now I find that there is another man that she has slept with and dated a few times. She claims the guy was a real a**hole and that he calls only every once in awhile. She claims she is done with him. She has been open to talking with me and she is going to give counseling a shot. Is she still leading me on trying to not hurt my feelings further, is she sincere in possibly looking at us inthe future. She is very determined in wanting to be single right now (no-one to report to, no shared bills, etc). She continues toask for time and for us to go slow? I know this sounds all to familiar. I do love this woman. Any idea on what I should/can be doing?<P>Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>

She just seemed like her old self when I sent her flowers today! :^)<P>Would appreciate some advice from a counselor and/or someone who made their relationship work.<P>I'm not sure if she is still protecting me from further hurt (and still seeing this guy) OR if her own personal guilt and "need to be single" are getting in the way.<P>Any advice? Please.

I think the fact that she's willing to go to counseling is a very good sign. Counseling can do wonders. It's saved my marriage, twice. I think if you respect her need for time and space (even though it's SOOOOOO hard), she may remember exactly what she loved so much about you. Don't forget to work on yourself in counseling too. It takes 2 healthy halves to make a solid whole. Good luck.

** Thanks for the encouraging words. We both have been so awful to each other, yet I know we truly and deeply love each other. She seems very insistent on wnating to be single, etc. I believe she is still dating the other guy which I'm sure makes us almost impossible base on what I'm reading. Now for more of the story. I have been unfaithful also, but I REALLY DO LOVE HER!! More than anything!! I was going to breakdown and be totally honest, but was told by a counselor I called out of the Yellow Pages to not do that unless it was in front of a professional? Any ideas? Thanks!!<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maggierose:<BR><B>I think the fact that she's willing to go to counseling is a very good sign. Counseling can do wonders. It's saved my marriage, twice. I think if you respect her need for time and space (even though it's SOOOOOO hard), she may remember exactly what she loved so much about you. Don't forget to work on yourself in counseling too. It takes 2 healthy halves to make a solid whole. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>

Run Forest run and run the opposite direction as she.<P>11 years ago my girlfriend's ex showed up on campus demanding his engagement ring from her. I was mad and almost beat him up. She never told me that she was engaged. I was going to dump her and she begged me not to.<P>11 years later read my story: 3 affairs<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000722.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000722.html</A> <P>It doesn't matter how much you love her jack. She did this to you. She knows the road to an affair. The next time it will be easier. If you were already married I would had told you to work it out. Being that you are not my advice is too break off the engagement. Spare yourself the pain now while you can and there are no children involved. I know that many will disagree with me on this one. But listen, if you don't break it off you will regret marrying her 10 years later like I did. Think with your brain on this one. Not your heart. The bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things and there is no one to understand its motives.

** You make some good points. The fact that I had an affair also means??? I truly believe she does love me. She is really hitting the "friends" thing pretty hard right now. I know in my heart that I really love her and she loves me. I fell she is going with "the grass is greener theory and I am going with the I've learned so much theory" In my eyes we have always been married making this so tough!**<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chakyl:<BR><B>Run Forest run and run the opposite direction as she.<P>11 years ago my girlfriend's ex showed up on campus demanding his engagement ring from her. I was mad and almost beat him up. She never told me that she was engaged. I was going to dump her and she begged me not to.<P>11 years later read my story: 3 affairs<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000722.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000722.html</A> <P>It doesn't matter how much you love her jack. She did this to you. She knows the road to an affair. The next time it will be easier. If you were already married I would had told you to work it out. Being that you are not my advice is too break off the engagement. Spare yourself the pain now while you can and there are no children involved. I know that many will disagree with me on this one. But listen, if you don't break it off you will regret marrying her 10 years later like I did. Think with your brain on this one. Not your heart. The bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things and there is no one to understand its motives.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

*** The time thing is sooooooooo hard. I keep looking at the big picture when we're 80 with grand kids and stuff. Drives me nuts when I think of her not being there with me. I came clean yesterday with all of the spying and infelidity I've had too. She is doing better because of it. Wierd? Anyway, we are going away for the weekend just the two of us and then will be doing a counseling session with Dr. Harley. I hope he really can puit things back together the way he appears to. I truly know about "the 2 become 1 verbiage in a marriage as I feel half of me is missing until she's "really" back. *** <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maggierose:<BR><B>I think the fact that she's willing to go to counseling is a very good sign. Counseling can do wonders. It's saved my marriage, twice. I think if you respect her need for time and space (even though it's SOOOOOO hard), she may remember exactly what she loved so much about you. Don't forget to work on yourself in counseling too. It takes 2 healthy halves to make a solid whole. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Jack....really think about whether you want to spend your life with this person. I dated my H for 6 years before he asked me to get married. I was only 23 and told him I wasn't ready yet. I told him when I got married I wanted it to be to him, but I was too young. I asked if my answer meant we would have to break up. He responded no, but then went out with a coworker. He didn't tell me until I ran into them at a public park. A period of him telling me he wanted to be with the guys while going out with her, and me finding out about repeated lies followed. Finally, after about 4 months, and my living my own life and not seeing him, he told me he wanted to get engaged to me. Said he didn't know where his head was, it would never happen again, he would never lie to me again. We've been married almost 12 years, and there have been numerous lies on his part and doubts on my part...now, I think he's having an affair with a coworker and won't tell me. Friends have said it's been going on for a long time. I think OW is also married. He won't tell me anything. Be very careful....I would hate to see you make the same mistake. We were together for so long, the thought of not being with him was terrible, but I was finally getting on with my life when he asked me to get engaged, and we did. I feel like I knew what I was getting into and chose to ignore it. Be careful....

An engagement is easier to break off than a marriage, especially when children enter the picture. Get out while you can!<P>Just wondering how come you guys decided to shack up in the first place, I mean, whose idea was that!?!? Regardless, without 100% commitment from both, there is no commitment, which is obvious by the choices she has made (to cheat)!<P>She wants to be single. Listen to her, HEAR what she is saying and let her go. Lay your ego aside and next time, hold out for a full commitment--don't sell yourself short!

Jack, you admit something has been wrong on your part for the past year. You mentioned not really giving or holding back? You both have been unfaithful. <P>I think you may be afraid to be alone and certainly if you choose to end this, it will be painful for you. She is giving you big time signals with the "friends" emphasis.<BR>Counselling would not hurt at all. Still pursue it if she doesn't come with you or drops out. It will help you with your own issues.<P>You two don't seem to have a basis for committment over 3 years. I know you don't want to hear most of us but we have made or suffered mistakes and know what we are talking about it. I suspect there is someone out there who will love you the way you deserve and you will be pleasantly surprised by finding a healthy relationship with her. <P>Of course, we respect that it's your call but sounds like GF is making a call of her own. We will be here for you either way.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

*** Thanks for the feedback. Now let me give you the complete update. So after being in "hell" for the last few weeks she appears to be coming around. I mean - really. We were intimate for the first time in a long time. She then sent me flowers this morning. What a switch that was. We are still not living together again and are still not spending every night together, but we are tlaking everyday and the conversations are great. She finally "broke" so to speak. She said she is willing to work on some things for me/us. Again, what a switch. It's wierd how every time the Giver and Taker switch hands you question your relationship? Right now we are being cautious, but appear to definitely be moving in the direction of coming back together. Now for the history. The reason there was infidelity on my part (and it's no excuse, but is the truth) is because I had "doomed" us. In other words, I figured that we had enough "core" things that we differed on making it not possible for us to make it for the long haul. But I loved her enough to not want to break her heart, so I was letting her break up with me. Essentially I wasn't being the man she needed me to be for a reason. After a year of trying to reach me and communicate to no avail she pulled the plug. Be careful what you wish for. When she broke it off with me (and it was a very easy split) I became devastated once I really figured out what I was losing. During the year when I was "dooming" us and not there for her she started partying with friends and going to clubs and met some people (including guys). once she broke it off she "messed" around with 2 guys. I felt that was cheating too, because we (I) was still trying to work on us. Anyway, once I found out about the other "dates" I freaked. But I have finally reached her because we are nearly back to normal (minus guilt and lack of trust, both of which will take time and healing I'm sure). I feel like any person can be the right person if you choose. I watch relationships carefully and can't see how the grass can be greener. Guys are guys and girls are girls and we're different. I feel I have enough in common with and enough history with and enough love to push on with this. Am I a realist or an idiot? Thanks! *** <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by freshstart:<BR><B>Jack, you admit something has been wrong on your part for the past year. You mentioned not really giving or holding back? You both have been unfaithful. <P>I think you may be afraid to be alone and certainly if you choose to end this, it will be painful for you. She is giving you big time signals with the "friends" emphasis.<BR>Counselling would not hurt at all. Still pursue it if she doesn't come with you or drops out. It will help you with your own issues.<P>You two don't seem to have a basis for committment over 3 years. I know you don't want to hear most of us but we have made or suffered mistakes and know what we are talking about it. I suspect there is someone out there who will love you the way you deserve and you will be pleasantly surprised by finding a healthy relationship with her. <P>Of course, we respect that it's your call but sounds like GF is making a call of her own. We will be here for you either way.<P>Take care.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

*** It's funny how when you "let them go" they start to come back. It's hard to do, but everytime I've "given up on us" or "lost hope" she comes back. When I'm nice she runs like hell. *** <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:<BR><B>An engagement is easier to break off than a marriage, especially when children enter the picture. Get out while you can!<P>Just wondering how come you guys decided to shack up in the first place, I mean, whose idea was that!?!? Regardless, without 100% commitment from both, there is no commitment, which is obvious by the choices she has made (to cheat)!<P>She wants to be single. Listen to her, HEAR what she is saying and let her go. Lay your ego aside and next time, hold out for a full commitment--don't sell yourself short!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Run, run, run!!!!<BR>I was in a similar situation 20 years ago. Broke my heart to let her go, but it was alot easier to get over. At the time I didn't so, but now I have been happily for 14 1/2 years and have 2 kids. Six months ago my wife cheated on me with a complete stranger. Believe me, it's much easier and alot less messy if your not married yet and have no kids.<BR>Run! Run like hell.<P>

First of all let me thank all of those that offered advice. As I'm sure all of you know this is a whole new level of pain. It has been 6 months since she broke up with me. I have a new GF now who thinks the world of me. I still miss my ex immensely and part of me really hopes for us to get back together even though it is a slim possibility. Sometimes I feel like the new girl might be it and other times I feel like she's a back up. I know how horrible, but atleast I'm honest. I am not sure where to go from here. I am for sure ready for commitment and family, but I want to make sure it's the right person. I am happier today, but I am no doubt still confused and still not over my ex. I miss her sometimes soooo much and think of her daily.<p>Thanks for the advice and any responses would be appreciated.<p>Jack<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Jack72:
<strong>My fiancee of over 2 years (we've been living together over 3 years) had been cheating on me. I found out "officially" 2 days ago by continuing to snoop. I obviously did not want to snoop, but my gut told me something was up. Anyway, I feel partly responsible in this as I was concsiously pushing her away for about the last year of our relationship. Talk about be careful what you wish for. She broke up with me and I have been fighting to get her back ever since. Now I find that there is another man that she has slept with and dated a few times. She claims the guy was a real a**hole and that he calls only every once in awhile. She claims she is done with him. She has been open to talking with me and she is going to give counseling a shot. Is she still leading me on trying to not hurt my feelings further, is she sincere in possibly looking at us inthe future. She is very determined in wanting to be single right now (no-one to report to, no shared bills, etc). She continues toask for time and for us to go slow? I know this sounds all to familiar. I do love this woman. Any idea on what I should/can be doing?<p>Thanks!<p></strong><hr></blockquote>

First of all let me thank all of those that offered advice. As I'm sure all of you know this is a whole new level of pain. It has been 6 months since she broke up with me. I have a new GF now who thinks the world of me. I still miss my ex immensely and part of me really hopes for us to get back together even though it is a slim possibility. Sometimes I feel like the new girl might be it and other times I feel like she's a back up. I know how horrible, but atleast I'm honest. I am not sure where to go from here. I am for sure ready for commitment and family, but I want to make sure it's the right person. I am happier today, but I am no doubt still confused and still not over my ex. I miss her sometimes soooo much and think of her daily.<p>Thanks for the advice and any responses would be appreciated.<p>Jack