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Joined: Aug 2001
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Sorry this is long,<P>I need some insight or advice. My WS told me about his affair on May 9, since that time I have been a roller coaster of emotions – from hurt, pain and anger to I should have done this or said that. I would like to share my story with you to see if anyone can give me some moral support.<P>I had had suspicions about OW for about 4 years, I know that she was after my husband (they had been co-workers for about 15 years), whenever I told my husband how I felt he would tell me I was being ridiculous and that she is not his type and so on….<P>In February we talked about separating and at the time I felt it may be a good idea even though I was more than convinced that he was seeing her. He came home on Valentine’s day with a bracelet telling me he bought himself a present, two weeks later I get a statement from the bank with a purchase at a jewelry store for $200, I confronted him with it and he told me that the jewelry store gave him a cash advance off of his ATM. I didn’t believe him but I dropped it. When I confronted her after I had found out she told me he bought her a ring. I got nothing.<P>During this time I realized that my H is an alcoholic and has a big problem with pot. I started going to Al-Anon and got myself into therapy. About two weeks after we discussed separating he told me he still loves me and wanted to make things work between us, he even started going to therapy (alone). Things were going well for about a month then his behaviour started changing. He told me that I was putting too much pressure on him. He told me he felt guilty after we made love because he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. I kept telling him, leave “figure out what it is that you need or want and we’ll take it from there”, he wouldn’t leave, he told me he liked living at home. I couldn’t take it anymore, one day affection, one day aloofness, another day anger, so I left. I went to stay at my sister’s for a few days, he called me everyday. On the Friday I came home he called me from work telling me that he loves me and that he wants to make this work and that he hoped that I wouldn’t put him through what he had been putting me through in six months from now. I told him the most important thing to me was that we work on our marriage because I love him, and I married him for better or for worse.<P>That Friday night and Saturday were great. Sunday, he starts getting depressed and down when I asked him what was wrong he told me again I was putting too much pressure on him – making him his favourite meals etc. I knew then and there something was not right I was still convinced that he was having an affair and he was torn between her and I. I did not confront him, I figured he will tell me when he’s ready. One week later I come home from work and there’s a note. “Babe, I love you but I need some time for myself, please give me some time and we will be together soon”. Needless to say I was angry, it was this on again off again I couldn’t take. The next night he calls me crying on the phone, “Babe I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I hope you feel the same way. I told him I would do anything and everything I could to save our marriage. That was May 6. On May 9 he finally broke down and told me. Even though I knew I was devastated. I wanted to call her and call her H. He begged me not to so I didn’t. One week later he moved out and I know he spent the weekend with her. 4 days later he comes by the house crying that he misses me, I’m the woman for him, he loves me more than anything but that right now he’s really screwed up. I told him we would take it one day at a time. I also told him that if we were to have a chance that he would have to completely cut her out of his life. So, the next few weeks things are up and down, one day on one day off. I couldn’t take it anymore so I took off to be alone by myself to figure out what I needed and wanted from this. He tracked me down and was crying and begging me to let him back into my life and that she was out of the picture. She meant nothing to him. Again, things went well for a couple of weeks and signs started appearing again. I confronted him and he admitted that she had kept calling him and he felt guilty because she left her husband, sold her house etc., with the belief that she would be spending the rest of her life with him.<P>Well, I finally snapped!!!! I threw him out, went to work the next morning (we ALL work at the same place), put my wedding ring in an envelope with a nasty note to her, walked up to her in front of everyone and smacked her in the face with the envelope, I called her husband and told him everything and told my H that under no circumstances would I share my husband with another woman (she was willing for him to be with me and she would be there for him when he needed her or wanted to be with her on and off). I think my doing that has put the nail in the coffin because since that day he has had no contact with her (I believe him) and our relationship has been growing but I’m still scared and insecure sometimes. Is this still normal and how long does it last?<P>Second question: I believe that it was a physical affair and emotionally he was not there because he never told her that we were sleeping together, he had told her that I had moved into our daughter’s room which never happened.<P>I also know the weekend he moved out he was crying most of the time and the OW asked him what was wrong and he told her he missed his dog (this is coming from a close friend of both of ours).<P>If he really wanted to be with her wouldn’t he have left me and not kept coming back? I believe that he loves me and that if I had any doubt whatsoever I would not have fought so hard to make this work.<P>The only thing that I have said to him is that under no circumstances will I accept him having lunch with her or going on breaks with her and if I hear or see that he has been with her it is over with us. I think I lost enough dignity in all this that I feel as his wife this is my right. I really mean it and he knows it. <P>I find myself now playing analyst with all the things that have happened and from what I’ve written and what I’ve felt I think that he always wanted to be with me but he got himself into a situation that he didn’t know how to get out of. Does anyone have any advice or opinions?<P><BR>

Joined: Mar 1999
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Heartbroken,<P>Your questions, pain and insecurity are completely normal. It takes a LONG time to get past the pain of betrayal and some parts of this experience will remain forever. That is NOT to say your marriage can't be better and stronger. It can! Lots and lots of very hard work and committment. <P>Have your read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring? This book made me realize that the conflicting emotions I had been experiencing were common, normal feelings. I was seriously thinking I was losing my mind. The author relates the emotions and common thoughts of the BS, the WS and the OP. Very enlightening and made me know I wasn't completely nuts. If you haven't read it yet,,do so. It'll help alot.<P>I think the questions of why, how could you, why didn't you will be mentally reviewed in your mind until you realize you are trying to come to a logical conclusion to an illogical action. There doesn't seem to be a answer. Not a justifiable one anyway. My answer was to work on today. I can't make sense of yesterday. I can't and will never understand why he took the action he chose but it I see to it that our marriage never again weakens to the point it will happen again. That is my goal now.

Joined: May 2001
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Dear Heartbroken,<P>I do have an opinion. I admire your courage. Please do not second guess what you have said or done. You are setting boundaries and making it plain for your husband to see what you will and will not tolerate! You have my upmost respect. Stick to your guns!

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Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I just find that I have my good days and my bad days. Since last night I've been wondering if he's contacted her. I don't think he has but my trust in him is all but destroyed. As much as I love him and want to believe him I'm having trouble. He promised me twice that he wouldn't see her and he did although this is the longest that things have been okay with us since April (it's now been about 6 weeks) I keep waiting for a bomb to drop on me. I guess with all the bull**** that's been going on the past few months I'm not used to this peace and quiet and maybe it's me looking for something before it happens so that I'm prepared.<P>I feel like if I ever saw her walking down the street and I was in my car I would run her over and not think twice about it. I have never in my life hated someone as much as I hate her. She even spent my birthday weekend skiing with us. I have so much anger towards her (more to her than I do for my husband). I will say this, I will NOT give up without a fight and if it doesn't work between us then I can honestly say I did my best to save our marriage and I can't be blamed for not trying.<P>There has never been a doubt in my mind that he doesn't love me. I saw the pain in his face and the guilt that he felt and I kept quiet. Something inside me told me he would tell me. I have never felt so betrayed in all my life. I believe it gets better with each day but now I find that I'm afraid to hope and believe because if I give too much and he does all the taking I will be devastated again but I'm not letting that stop me. I am giving him all the affection, support and love that I have for him inside me, hoping that eventually he will see that the grass isn't always greener. At one point I told him "Go, go be with her to see if it's her that you really want." I know in my heart that it would never have lasted but he wouldn't, he kept telling me that his decision was to be with me, so why did he go back to her a couple of times? I think she was putting pressure on him and he felt so guilty about what she gave up in the belief that she would be with him.

Joined: Jul 2001
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I was just reading your post and so agree and understand what you have said. I had these same exact feeling this weekend and just about went crazy.<P>I really want to trust my WH and I believe him that he is "trying his best" to work on our marriage and we are both "taking it one day at a time". When I ask him if he has talked with OW he tells me no. But last week I found a voice mail message on his cell phone from her. This is all what I have conjured in my mind, but I think that he feels he honestly answered my question of "talk with her" as no because he didn't "talk" to her but he is getting voice mail messages from her -- so there is continued contact in some form. But I am so un-trusting of him right now. That every move he makes I tend to question, "is he going to call her"...."is he thinking about her"...."is he going to start seeing her again?"....<P>I really think, by things that he says to me sometimes, that we are both on guard about each other. I am scared that he will falter and this will all tumble down around me -- that he really will leave me. And I think he is worried, that because I haven't blown completely up on him and thrown him out when he revealed his A, that "the other shoe is going to drop" and I will turn on him.<P>I try to keep telling myself that this is all part of restoring the marital relationship and trying to rebuild our life together. <P>I try my best to take him at his word on a daily basis. I can't make him the person I want him to be. I would love for him to be affectionate and loving toward me, tell me he wants us to survive more than anything, etc. But he is not at that point yet. I do still have hope that this will work out and I really think if he can get through withdrawal we will make it.<P>Keep up with faith that you will survive this and know that you are doing what you feel is best for you and your family and when this is said and done you will be able to hold your head high and proudly say "I did absolutely everything I could to save my marriage".<P>Heartbreak25130<P>

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Hearbroken,<P>I feel much better having read these posts. Although my WH has still not confessed, I too have spent the past several years disturbed by telltale signs of an A. Although I caught him carrying condums to work and on the weekend/days off when he would disappear for 4-5 hours at a time, he swears he's never been unfaithful to me. He also had a picture of the OW in his briefcase. (She's M also.) He went to his company picnic, and I hear spent the whole day by her side. He also took 4 pictures of her out of a 25 shot roll and pointed out to me who she was. Last year on another company function, he was again, right by her side on a picture he gave me.<P>We had one counseling session and have another scheduled for this week. He told the counselor I'm paranoid. <P>I feel like he's going through the motions of trying to make me think nothing's going on. The suspected OW has the same birthdate as I do, and he told me he had to go shopping for me the day before my birthday. He was gone for over four hours, and bought me several items of clothing. I later found a receipt dated three days before with many items of women's clothing on it from a store near where we work which is out of state and some of the stock numbers of the items do not match my presents' stock numbers. <P>He tells me there is no one else, never will be, hasn't been. Wants to know why is he still getting these questions?<P>We go places on the weekend, and I might as well be with a stranger. We drove for an hour one day this weekend, and he didn't talk to me the entire time. On the way home, I just started to cry. He says he wants to do things with me, but I don't know what is worse being alone or being alone with him.<P>Substantial sums of $ disappeared from our bank accounts over the past 4-5 years as well, and his answer is that he spent the $ on us. I split our accounts to keep this from happening anymore, and I'm sure that was an LB. I just didn't want to end up with nothing.<P>I don't want to give up because I think I need to give the counseling a try, and then I can say I did everything I could to save our marriage. I know I wasn't meeting his EM, but it's very hard to do that when you feel like you're being lied to. I'm not saying our problems are all his fault, but I come from a family where we are honest to each other, and his first inclination is always to lie.<P>We've been married for 12 years, and he wants to go away over the week of our anniversary. He keeps pushing me to book the room, and he will book the flight/car. It would be a month from now, and I don't think we could make it on a vacation together. I thought about it as our farewell tour if it comes to that as we haven't been anywhere that required a plane since our honeymoon. I thought I could enjoy it regardless of his actions as it's a place I always wanted to go. I just don't know what to do? Any suggestions? I'm afraid if I don't go along with this, it will escalate things before the counseling has begun to work. He started to leave once, but I lost it, and he stayed. He keeps asking me if it would be easier if he went somewhere else, and I asked "easier for whom?"<P>Sad1<BR>

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Hi Sad1,<P>Is there any way you can talk to the OW or contact her? I know when I did she told me the truth, sad to say I believed her more than I did my H. She had already planned on leaving her H for mine, so she had nothing to lose by telling me the truth. I think she thought if I got angry enough I would throw him out and she would have him.<P>Although things are going fine with my H right now, today I'm having a bad day. I keep wondering if she's tried to contact him. I know by his phone she hasn't and he swears that it's over and I do believe him this time but I still sometimes get down thinking about what has happened and I sometimes wonder if this is the day he's going to tell me that it's over with us and he wants to be with her.<P>I truly believe that if you think he's having an affair and your gut is telling you it's so then take it from me trust your gut instinct and don't give up until you get to the truth.

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Hearbroken,<P>Thanks for your reply. I thought about trying to contact the OW's husband to say that I am trying to rule out suspected OW and ask whether my H was at their house helping them do landscaping when he said he was. He told me the OW's H was there too, but that he lied because he didn't think I would like it. I'm just scared to do this. If she's not, although I'm fairly certain she is, and her H tells her I called, I don't know what will happen.<P>I too am having a bad day; some days I can't stop crying or thinking about it. My H works with the OW, so I wonder all day long what's happening. Also, they leave voicemail messages at work for each other, and he uses calling cards, so no phone numbers ever show up as evidence. One time a couple years ago, her phone # showed up on a cell phone bill, and he quickly threw it away. I retrieved it and looked it up, but I didn't connect anything because he said he lent his phone to someone to use. I've been so stupid, trusting, and blind.<P>I'm trying to get the truth, but he either gets angry, tells me his answers aren't good enough for me, changes the subject, or walks away, whenever I ask any pointed questions.<P>He wants to book the vacation tonight, and I just don't know if I can do this. I'll never trust him again. Really sick thing is, I've been using Plan A, and I think he's trying to get me pregnant thinking I won't split from him then.<P>Wish I could put emotion aside and think with my head only!!<P>Hang in there hearbroken. I know we'll get through this.


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