I just found out my husband has had a short affair with a co-worker. We are reading the book "How to Survive an Affair". My big question that I can't find an answer to is "How do I let him touch me...make love to me?" I see him with her...wonder if he touched her that way? Any help out there?

Hi Kaye,<P>I know exactly where you're coming from. I went through the same thing (I still do sometimes). I think for each person it's different. I know for me what helped is that I would tell myself he loves me and that is why he is here. When the thoughts would come to my head about (did he touch her this way, did he make love the same way) I would put those thoughts out of my head and tell myself all it was was sex and nothing more. It helped but to be honest although it's been 3 months since it was confirmed by him, the thoughts still come to my head it does get easier.<P>Another thing that helped me alot was that he was honest enough to tell me (no matter how much it hurt) he told me which for me took alot for him to do because I had seen over the prior months how torn he was about it and could not tell me. I had confronted him and he denied it. Take it one day at a time and try to live for today not yesterday or tomorrow.

GREAT Question !!! I have beening wondering this myself !! I think that my WS and I are still quite a ways from getting near being intimate again, but I have been wondering about this since D day - Aug 6th. He is still at home and we are working on things.<P>I truly love him and what better expression of your love than making love, but I am having hard enough time getting thoughts of them looking into each other eyes, talking about subjects that he should only have been talking to me about. I just can't imagine what ideas, mental pictures and thoughts will go through my mind when we do get to the point of being intimate.<P>I would love to know how others have handled this before. And I have another question along this same line. Because I ask (and I thought I wanted to know and feel that honesty is the best policy) my H has told me of recreational activities and various places that he and the OW would do together. He and I have agreed that we need to be doing things together, but I told him not to ask (or expect) me to do the things that he has told me he did or went to with her...I think that I will do those things again, as some of them were things he and I previously did together, but I can't stand the thoughts of comparison with the OW. "the last time OW and I did this was a lot more fun" or "the OW was much better at this"...."it was a nicer day when OW and I were here last"...."I wish you could be the OW instead of being here with you right now"...those ideas just dance in my head when I think of sharing the same activities with my H again. Does anyone else feel this way?? Have these same thoughts? and How have you dealt with that????<P>Kaye H, I do think this will get better for both of us with time...but it is going to be really hard. I already have thoughts running in my mind.."she was better in bed than you ever will be"..."she didn't have a love handle there"... are those thoughts that you are having too????<P>Heartbreak25130

I can relate to the not wanting to go to the same places thing. My H had sex with my ex best friend in her car at a local beach. They also went to a state park together, and held hands on the beach. Isn't that sweet? Yuck. I avoid those places now. They were in her bed, but I don't have to be there for any reason. He gave her flowers so currently I do NOT want flowers from him. <P>The very worst part is they were in MY BED which destroys me. So I haven't slept there since I found out at the end of June. I am fixing up my old sewing room to be our bedroom, even though it's smaller and not very bright. I ordered new furniture, carpeting, wallpaper, etc. He actually told the counselor "I don't think it's necessary to spend the money." She let him have it in a very nice way! I told him it's much cheaper than a divorce.<P>I don't know how long it will be before I will let him make love to me. It's off in the future, that I do know.

Hi Kaye,<P>My d-day was June 25, 2001 and my WS and I made love on June 26th! His affair had been physically over for 1 1/2 years and the EA was dwindling. He had made the decision to stay with me after realizing having OW didn't even compare to what we had together. We got together young and never dated other people afterwards. H thought he needed to "sew the oats" he'd never sewed. I could tell his genuine regret/remorse for what he had done to our family. We made love, me showing forgiveness, him showing remorse and his love for me. I think everyone's situation is different. My WS never "did things" with OW like go to parks and things, only a couple of lunches (they were co-workers). Please go with what your heart says. Good luck.<P>NI

Thanks for your post. It is comforting to have a way to share with others who have been through what i am going through. <BR>Heartbreak, sounds like we are on the same page. I wonder about so much. Have you ask your H anything specific about his affair? I think I am going to tonight. I want to know more, though I don't know why. I guess I just need to get answers so I will not have to wonder..I'll know. It's hard to know what to do or say when this is something I never even considered. <BR>We are going away this weekend. I don't know what will happen. I want to try to let him love me. I only hope I can block those thoughts enough, with God's help. Does it make you physicall sick? It does me. It get so nauseous and my chest feels so heavy.... I hope time will help.<P>Have a great weekend. I'll be back Monday with the news.

Ladies,<BR> I had/have the same pictures in my head. Did she hear him moan like that,did she.....<BR> I told my H a long litany of thoughts that race through my head. It was obvious I was thinking more about her at that moment than he was. He finaly caught a glimmer of how all encompassing this was in my day, every thing brought a thought.<BR> We have always had a good sex life and it never dipped even in the midst of the A. After I found out we were in a slump. I would have to stop whatever I was doing, kissing,touching etc. That was his que that I was having a flashback or whatever and he would take over snuggling till I felt comfortable again. I still have to banish bad thoughts quickly from my head, I say stop it and think of how she is nothing to us and I give her this power. There are still things I have difficulty with, but Im getting better with time.<BR> I say just dive in and do it, when the thought comes concentrate on here and now. After all he had sex with girls before me but he doesnt bring their memories to our bed now, she is nothing more than an old fling.<BR> I would also say dont get details, the basics will do and nitty gritty stuff sticks in your mind.<BR>good luck

Hi Kaye,<P>No, I have not asked my husband anything about what he did with OW. I don't want to know. I don't think I could bear to hear what he did with her and where.<P>I know the OW and I get sick to my stomach everytime I see her. I will say this, she had a nice body (no kids), and not an ounce of fat on her. I, on the other had have had three kids. Although I am not big, my stomach is not flat and muscular like hers. I find myself sometimes conscsiously sucking in my gut because I don't want him to compare my body with hers. That is my one main weakness when it comes to touching and caressing.<P>Another thing, that makes it easier for me as sick as this might sound is that he had told her I moved into our daughters room and that never happened. So, I think he was lying more to her than he was to me. I never once doubted his love for me and I truly believe he got himself into something he didn't know how to get himself out of. <P>It will get easier even though the thoughts sometimes creep in. Hang in there.

This is one of the hardest things I am dealing with right now. To me, making love to my husband used to make me feel so close to him, like we are one.<P>Now.. It is a frustrating emotional roller coaster. One second I am fine, the next I am sobbing like a baby! <P>I just get these mental "movies" in my head, and they are so vivid and real to me. It is like I can almost feel his hands on her body. When he kisses me I feel like he is "contaminated" and it makes me so angry.<P>The thing I did was asked for details... and I mean details. I know EVERYTHING. I wish now that I didnt. When i first found out I wanted to know, but I never knew it would be so hard to deal with.<P>It is going to take a very long time to get back the "special" things that him and I share, but it can and will happen. <P>The one thing I do when we are making love and the "movies" start to play in my mind.... I put my hand over his heart and close my eyes. It is almost like I can feel his love for me radiating off his body right into mine. I know that I am the one who is in there, not her.<P>Dont give her the power. You have to be stronger than her to win this battle. <P>StayStrong always.<P>~Heather<P>------------------<BR>"What do you do when the person who usually wipes away your tears is the one who is making you cry?"