Well I did a lot of soul searching and reading in the past couple of days and came up with this with some help from a book.( Should I stay or should I go ? the book, not the song... ) It's a contract between myself and my W. I sprung it on her today and she went for it. We negotiated for 2 hours on the phone... Some good some bad. There are a few minor items to hash out but I get to see her on Friday to sign the contract.<P>The contract is not legal anything.. More or less an ethical contract between us two... Here are the topics<P>1 Setting a time limit that this contract is in effect<P>2 Agreed not to get a divorce during seperation or seek legal advice<P>3 Living arrangements.. Who lives at home and who moves out<P>4 Division of home furnishing so that we are both comfy in our living quarters.<P>5 Finances.. agree who pays for what<P>6 children/animals.. visitation/care for ect.<P>7 Our interpersonal relationship... How often we talk, see, write each other.<P>8 Dating others.. deciding whether or not to date other people<P>9 confidentiality... decide who to tell and who not to tell<P>10 Couseling...Individual or joint<P>11 agree to abide by this contract<P>12 Contract changes... Ability to open renegotiation on any item at any time and come to a mutual agreement and then change the contract.<P>What do you think ??? We discussed every item on this list and came to an agreement that was mutually appealing. Mind you there are some items I was not happy about but this is about compramise and I am willing to do that. Hopefully this works... This, I believe will help us see if we want to be together or get a divorce. As long as we both stick to the contract something has got to happen. Good or Bad. The state of limbo we were in was perpetuating anxiety on my part. Not good. Now at least we have direction and a goal which is to abide by the contract and re-evaluate us at the end of the term limit.<P>Anyone ever do this before or heard of it??? What do you think, Will it work or make it worse??<BR><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

I think I would be very careful with something like this. Is this agreement acceptable to you in the event of divorce? Yes, it’s not a legal document, but it may hold some water in court.<P>What if one of you does not honor any part of it. If she has one of the bills and decides to not pay it, then what?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

I have made it clear to her and she agreed that this contract is not a prelude to divorce.... If that is the unfortunate outcome of this situation we have already agreed to keep lawyers out of it and do it ourselves. You must understand that I couldn't even get her to talk to me on a regular basis. Now she has agreed to e-mail back and forth once a week, A phone call every 3 weeks, but to no avail she still doesn't want to see me. <P>If one of us breaks the contract, then it becomes null and void. This is also a way for me to start building trust for her again. If she breaks it she does so on her own and she will have to live with that. I haven't really thought of it until you mentioned it. What do you think should occure? If one of us feels the need to do something not in the contract then we open up negotiations and radify the contract per #12.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Hi Rutger,<P>My H and I did the controlled separation thing. For the most part, it worked.<P>I don't know about the attorney thing. We agreed not to initiate any formal proceedings but we were both free to consult attorneys regarding our positions. (Neither of us did, but the option was there.)<P>I was very strict about the agreement (that is, I limited myself to x number of 'social' e-mails or phone calls a week). I knew without 'rules' I'd be bugging him constantly.<P>Fortunately our schedule for visits fell apart and we spent as much (or more) time together than we did when we lived together.<P>I don't know about the legality or anything; it was just groundrules so that we'd both be on the same page.<P>I don't know if the CS had a positive or negative effect on our marriage, but he is home now and we are still working.<P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!

I don’t know. It’s a very difficult situation. I would discuss it with her though and decide on something.<P>I would get a calendar or journal and keep track of everything that is done.<P>Also, I would advise you not to leave the house or the kids or date anyone.<P>Just some thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Chris,<BR>You have brought up a good point. I will ask her what the consiquences should be if one of us breaks the contract. As far as the house, She has already moved out and for now, she says, we will not date anyone. Thank godness no kids are involved, Just two dogs.<P>Robinann,<BR>Thank you for putting a little bit of hope into my situation. I'm glad it worked for you. Hopefully I will have the same outcome.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger, sounds like it could work, and hopefully bring you some peace of mind. The limbo gets very difficult to deal with on a daily basis. I believe the book you refer to suggests no dating? <BR>RobinAnn, nice you are back. How was the vacation? Hope you are healing. (((hugs)))

I like the idea. It evens the playing field and makes you two work together for a common goal.<P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki

What you have done is given her permission to behave like a single woman. This will do nothing to save your marriage. It puts everything into limbo. What you are doing is giving her time to trade you in for a new model. Technically what you have agreed to is a open marriage. There are no consequences for her in "dating" other men. You have given her what she really wanted thats why she agreed so enthusiastically to these conditions. In my opinion you should have tried to negotiate her return to the marriage with marriage counselling being one of the conditions in the negotiations. However, if you are going ahead with this controlled seperation you should get a legal opinion as to the ramifications that it will have in a divorce. Right now you can get custody of the children because of abandonment by your wife. However if you agree that it is okay for her to live seperately from you than legally she has not abandoned her family. The point is that you should not agree to anything without legal advice. You may regret it later. Best wishes....max

You know.. The more I look at this thing the more it looks like a control thing. Her major gripe has been that I have been trying to control her, Now look at me. I introduced this document and it even appears to me that I am trying to control her. I think this Friday when it comes time to finalize this thing I will just tell her that I don't agree with it even though I wrote it. I don't want her to think that I am being controlling in any way. I think this may have been a hasty decision and a bad idea.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>