I'm one of those BS who was never told the truth about a suspected A, last September 2. I have learned tons here, and have applied principals to my relationship and life in general, that I think have helped me move forward.<P>Over the past year, with ups and downs, my resentment has faded, as has my great anger, as the event slips into the past. I realize however that any opportunity to learn the truth is disappearing with time, too.<P>My fiance and I have had an interesting year. I have come to see that he firmly intends to deny any wrongdoing that night, any advances on the part of OW, etc. I have come to understand that he is afraid.<P>I have introduced the topics of infidelity, emotional needs, and expectations. If I don't refer to OW, these conversations go well and are lengthy. We clearly understand what each other expects.<P>My feeling is that my fiance wants to take the present and future and make it the best possible. I have found my resentment fading and slowly, slowly I am healing. I have a horrible imagination, so this has not been easy. My fiance has told me and others that he thinks I am amazing, that I<BR>present him with no stress or discomfort. This is great news for me.<P>However, this week, I have been hit with a sudden, heavy wall of depression. I feel as I did last Sept/Oct...full of pain, unable to function, frightened, furious. Could this be because Sept. 2 is approaching?<P>This year of worry has affected my self confidence. I don't feel truly safe. I find ways to be with my fiance often, and try to have fun...on the outside, this seems like a good idea, but I am afraid to go away overnight, afraid when he picks up the phone or logs on, I always ask him about his day, but my motivations are wrong...I'm checking up, not on him, but on HER. If he is with women other than her, I feel trust and calmness. This fear is triggered only by this one woman. I honestly feel that my presence and persistence have driven this girl off - she has gone on to less challenging pastures. I see that my fiance has continued to feel happy with me.<P>But I have to let go. It's time to turn my attention more toward my life, my work, and the other people who need me. I can't live in fear of her anymore. But you know what? It's SO hard. I have the belief that my interest and monitoring and involvement in my relationship have truly helped<BR>push her away. I'm afraid to let me guard down...but I don't want to live like this my entire marriage!!!<P>Where do I go from here?<P>Robyn<P>(By the way, I have taken stock, positive and negative, and my fiance is definitely my choice. I wish to get married).

Hi RC,<P>Where do you go from here? Well, it seems the major decision has been made by you. Now, you need to understand that your bf desires you and the OW is out of the picture.<BR>I also think that you go on with your life as you wish to and let TIME & PATIENCE work its magic.<P>He choose you RC and you have choosen him. Time to focus on what is important, your H, your future marriage, you, your job, future kids, etc. Notice OW isn't on the list? <P>She isn't worth you time, if you focus on the above list she will never be a factor. You have the control, don't let her have it any longer.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL:<P>I was thinking about you when I posted. I imagined that you would be disappointd that bf didn't have the courage, nor I the persuasive/safety skills to bring about a confession. <BR>What a help that would have been!!<BR>Regarding refocusing, I have done a few paintings in the last month, and I have also competed in an 18 km mountain biking race. I have found these things empowering. <P>I hope you are doing well in the sunny south, JL. I can't thank you enough for your encouragement as I make slow progress. <P>Best wishes & prayers,<P>Robyn